Sunday, December 30, 2007

the house....

the builder is saying it will be ready in march...hope so! here's what it looks like right now! the picture of the water is the view off our back porch. beautiful!!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

it's official...i'm an adult.

you know how when you were little, you waited all year for christmas. and you wanted the day to go soooo slow because you knew you had to wait a whole year for it to come around again. well, now i know exactly what my mother meant when she would say, "i'm christmased out!" i was soooo ready for it to be over! mainly because a horrible stomach virus attacked the whole family~including my father who never, ever, ever gets sick. never. ever. it started on the thursday before christmas, thanks to mackenzie. she then gave it to blake and my sister. my father was the next poor victim and then me! yea! and of course, cory was here for all of 5 minutes and got it. i'll spare you the details but let's just say we had a brown christmas. gross, i know. but i couldn't resist.
everyone is better now~but the kicker is that my mom has yet to get it. we are sure it is brewing and will hit any minute. but hopefully not. maybe god is smiling down on her for all the years she has been tormented by her children. me, exluded, of course.
so know we have all this stuff~mainly mackenzie~that i have no idea where i'm going to put it. the builder is saying our house will be ready in march and i hope he is right...we are seriously running out of room.
i did get to go to a dallas stars game before i got sick and that was tons of fun! i love hockey. and those types of events are always great places to people watch because you literally have people from all walks of life. no matter where i am, i always notice what people are wearing. sometimes i feel like approaching them and asking exactly what they were thinking when they put that emsemble together. for example, cowboy boots and sweat pants. now i'm not saying anything bad about cowboy boots or sweat pants. i like them both...just now together. never. together. ever. that's just common sense, right?? it gave me an idea. i should start a business. you know those times that you are questioning an outfit in the mirror and really wish you had a friend there to tell you it looks great or it looks like shit? well, i would be that person. if you are alone and need a fashion opinion, i'd be happy to assist. with today's technology, all you'd have to do is text or e-mail a quick picture and voila! crisis averted. oh and i would so be honest...i'm not calling myself a fashion expert but i do know that sweat pants and cowboy boots are an absolute no-no. anytime. anywhere. for any reason.
and men are the worst! if you i see a man that has something totally ridiculous on, the first thing i do is look to see if he's with a woman. if he is and she looks horrendous, understandable. but sometimes the woman will look great! why she lets her man go around looking like a moron is beyond me.
start looking now when you are out and about (if you don't already...which i know some of you so do!) and i'll promise you'll be hooked. you won't be able to stop yourself. the more ridiculous the better.
have a good night..must go and pour my 2nd glass of wine! cheers!

**oh, and i've officially lost what little of my mind i had left..i've signed up for a boot camp that begins on jan. 7. three days a week at 6 am (yes, six) for twelve weeks. i will be meeting with my trainer on tuesdays and thursdays. by saturday, i imagine i'll be comatose.**

Sunday, December 23, 2007

are you freakin' kidding me???

so anyone who knows me knows that i love my celebrity magazines. however, i'm a little disturbed by some of the latest headlines. when i retrieved my people magazine from the mailbox the other day, imagine my surprise when there on the cover was brad pitt and angelina jolie with a headline of "couple of the year." really?? now, let me start by saying that i am not a brangelina fan at all. i've never really cared for her but used to love brad pitt. who can forget that scene in legends of the fall when he comes riding up on that horse?? yummy. anyway. now i think he is a cheating, no good bastard...even if they didn't hook up while he was still married to jennifer (bullshit) he still said that they decided to have a baby before his divorce was even final. what an ass!! and don't even get me started on her...i knew she was a nut job when she made out with her own brother (gross) on the red carpet and wore a vile of billy bob thornton's blood around her neck...what the hell?? and she went on and on saying that she could never be with a married man because her dad cheated on her mom....hello, pot, meet kettle. so i guess to get couple of the year, you have to be a cheating son of a bitch and a crazy, self-righteous hypocrite. who's next...bill and hillary clinton?? that's a whole other blog.

another mag had katie holmes as "mom of the year." interesting. first off, anyone could find motherhood easy with millions of dollars, a gaggle of nannies, private jets, several homes, etc. what makes her mom of the year?? she can't even think for herself..i just read an interview in parade, and every answer to every question mentioned tom..tom this, tom that. i think tom must wipe her ass when she goes to the bathroom..maybe it's the scientology way. she rarely said was always we. give me a break. we all know that he is a controlling freak and she's turned into a robot. she's like a stepford wife...get her wet and i bet you'll see sparks. also, it's questionable just who is the most feminine in that marriage, if you know what i mean. there's always been rumors that he's a little light in the loafers. so i'm not quite sure what qualifies her for mom of the about all those single moms out there? women who have to work several jobs just to put food on the table and clothes on their kid's back? who's next...britney spears as mom of the year?? again, a whole other blog.

i'll still continue to read my mags but i had to get that off my chest. have a happy sunday!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

now enrolling for 2008...

after careful thought and consideration, i have decided to offer certain classes to men....just basic stuff...things that they should already know and things that i'm sure they do know but choose not to do. feel free to sign your husbands, boyfriends or any man in your life you feel could benefit.

class #1: how to put on a new roll of toilet paper. now, i know this seems like a pretty elementary thing, but men just can't seem to grasp it...not sure if it's the eye-hand thing or just plain laziness. but they never, ever do it! this is also a great class for the teenager in your life since they can't seem to get it done either.

class #2: how to fart in private. men will tell you this is not possible...they say when you gotta rip one, you gotta rip one. well, that is a lie. i hold mine in when i'm in public..i'm pretty sure that all my friends do, too. because when we are all together hanging out, there isn't any farting going on. if there is, they are very, very discreet and somehow they don't smell. again, another good one for the a matter of fact, my teenage son just farted so loud he better go check his pants.

class #3: how to load a dishwasher. i am lucky if my husband's dishes make it to the sink..but the dishwasher, forget it about it. it's like he doesn't even know we have a dishwasher. i mean, how does he think all those dishes get in there??

class #4: how to put your dirty clothes in the dirty clothes hamper. when my husband comes home from work, he undresses in several areas of the living room. his shirt may be hanging off a bar stool, his shoes under the kitchen table, socks on the coffee table (gross, i know), belt on the couch and no telling where his pants are going to end up. and who do you think will pick up all this..of course, me. i'm a little ocd when it comes to picking up things. he tells me that if i would just wait, he'd do it all when he's after a few days of the clothes piling up. uh, no. i'm not going to trip over your shit all week until you get a wild hair and decide to pick it up. which has never happen. i've been out of town for a week and come home to a week's worth of shit on the floor.

i'm sure more classes will come to mind. feel free to sign up for one or more. and i'll happily take any volunteers to help me teach. there will be wine provided, of course. not for the students. only the teachers. we've earned it.

Monday, December 17, 2007

merry freakin' christmas.....

sorry i haven't blogged in a while...been gearing up for xmas. i managed to knock most of my gift buying out this weekend. it was relatively painless. i went to nordstrom's on saturday morning to return some pants that cory did not want and decided to stay at the mall and do some shopping. as i'm walking up to the door at nordstrom, a man, probably in his late forties (old enough to know better) was heading to the door at the same time. he glanced over at me and started to hurry up to the door...naturally i'm thinking what a gentleman..he's going to open the door for me. wrong. he opened the door and stepped right in front of me! happy holidays, asshole.
i proceeded up to the counter in the men's department to return the pants. they had altered them and they were too short for cory. he didn't want them fixed, he just wanted the money back. so i tell the woman behind the counter the dilema and she looks puzzled. great. first off, have you noticed the way the people that work in these type places look at you if you are not dressed to the nines and wearing a full face of make-up?? of course i had on jeans, t-shirt, and not a lick of make-up on. so she was skeptical from the get go. she then calls a man over there to assist her. he just happend to be the man that sold the pants to cory. he asks me in an oh so snobby way..just how short were the pants. in true cory brewer fashion, i looked him straight in the face and said, "too short for him to wear 'em." he then said something about needing to know exactly how short so he could make a i made something up and told him. he then informed me that it would take a while..i'm not sure why, i mean, i had a receipt and everything. whatever...happy holidays, asshole #2.
i then ventured out into the home away from home. it wasn't too crowded. but why is it that anytime i need a big bag in a store, they are always out and i get stuck with a thousand little bags??? it's the holidays, people..stock up!
all the other salespeople that helped me were very nice and helpful. and you can't help but love the salvation army people out front...especially the real animated black men. they're great.
i've started carrying a notebook in my purse to jot down ideas for blogs. i've got several things already that i can't wait to share with you. now i just need to find the time.....ahh, to dream.
happy monday!

Thursday, December 6, 2007


just wanted to show you a picture of lola...she's soooo cute! we should be getting her sometime after christmas! i will blog more later!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

mackenzie brewer...mindfreak

if you have read previous blogs you would know that mackenzie has been taking her pants and diaper off while in her bed. so we switched from two piece pajamas to one piece ones that zip up. i even had to put them on her during nap time. well, it's been so warm in the afternoons i was afraid she was getting hot so i got her some onesies to nap in. she doesn't know how to un-snap them at the bottom so problem solved, right?? i must have forgotten who i was dealing with. after being in bed for a whole hour yesterday afternoon and not falling asleep, i ventured in there to see the diaper on the floor. that's another thing..once she gets it off she must throw it on the floor as some sort of, screw you, i'm not wearing this stinkin' diaper. so i assumed she had learned how to get the onesie off..i was mistaken. instead, ms. thing managed to take off the diaper with the onesie still in place..still snapped and all. houdini would have been stumped.
mac had her first swim class yesterday without me in the pool with her. she did really well..they had a tough time getting her to sit on the edge and wait her turn but for the most part she did great. she would sit back down on her turtle when they told her to. there was one incident..well it could have turned in to a big incident but luckily i was watching. at one point, she had both feet planted on the back of the little girl next to her...and i knew exactly what she was planning on doing. mackenzie was thinking, "let's see if she's been paying attention!" she was totally going to push her in!! i got to her in time. crisis management should be my second job.
at school yesteday, a little boy named aidan had a dirty diaper and mackenzie decided that she would assist the teacher in cleaning him up. not sure how ugly it got but mac was not wearing the same clothes when i picked her up. whatever they are paying her teachers, it is not even close to being enough.
cory just called me in to the bedroom to pick a gross scab out of the back of his head........don't believe that was anywhere in our vows. god love him. and so do i.
happy hump day!!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

demographic, my ass...

so, i was in tiffany's today to exchange cory's wedding band~yes, the one he got while we were shopping for my birthday~for a bigger size. i was casually trying to make conversation with the sales guy helping me, who by the way, looked all of 15 years old. so i asked him if they were pretty busy last friday, being the day after thanksgiving and all. he says to me, "not really, that's not really our demographic...people out shopping on black friday." uh....ooookaaaayyy. oh yea, buddy. let me tell you a little bit about your so-called demographic. see that ring you got in your hand...yea, that one. let me tell you something about the owner of that ring. this man walks around his front yard, in plain view of everyone, in his underwear while smoking a cigarette every morning. this same man has been known to be in the front yard, in his underwear, waving a pistol trying to scare off a possum. oh, and this same man, you know, the one that supposedly fits into your demographic, farts as much as he breathes. and not just normal farts~farts so bad and loud that i swear sometimes he is shitting his pants. and he does this anywhere and everywhere. elevators, department stores, etc. and he has also been known to go to 7-11 with no shoes or socks on and his dressed pants rolled up so to not ruin them. uh, can anyone say britney spears??? this is also the man that doesn't believe in showering on sundays...i mean, he doesn't have to work, so what's the point, right?? one time, i pulled in the driveway to find him in the garage with a dead deer hanging from the garage door opener. guts and all hanging out. no wonder we get so many letters from the homeowner's association. this is the man that believes a pair of boxers can be worn twice before being washed...all you have to do is turn them inside out. genius.
so, i'm sure if you were to ask the marketing division of tiffany and co if a person like this fits their target demographic they would turn their noses up in a heartbeat. but guess what??? he's got tiffany cuff links and a wedding band. go figure.
so i guess they can take their "demographic" and shove it up their snobby, pretentious asses! :)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

making PETA proud......

mackenzie had her first deer lease experience this past weekend and of course, loved every minute of it! she loved running around outside and chasing the dogs. it wasn't as much of a beating to take her as i thought it was going to be~she went to sleep pretty quickly but did wake up early when she heard cory getting ready to go out to the blind. but over all we had a great time!

well, oscar is getting a mate...that's right...his very own mail-order french bulldog. i've already named her...lola. we are going to breed them and sell the puppies. i know what you are i need more shit (literally) to clean up around here. but my hopes are that if he has a friend, he'll quit driving mackenzie crazy..which in turn drives me absolutely nuts. wine has been a flowin' here a lot lately. i have made a deal with myself though...i can only have some wine if i have worked out that day. we'll see how well that goes. i'm hopeful but not very optimistic.

i did work out today so i'm waiting anxiously for the six o'clock hour!

that's all i got for now~will try and blog later tonight!

***i posted a picture of mac and cory with his deer he shot yesterday. mac wasn't scared at all...she hopped on that thing like it was a horse!

oh and by the way....PETA in our house stands for people eating tasty animals!***

Friday, November 23, 2007

blah, blah, blah

hope you all had a wonderful turkey day! we sure did! did a lot of eating and a lot of football watching with a quick nap in between. cowboys won~yea! wouldn't it be awesome if they actually go to the super bowl??
so, my mom and i had good intentions to go to the outlet mall at midnight when they opened and of course, did not make it...we were passed out. and i made cory take my car to work today to get it detailed so i wouldn't be tempted to leave the house and shop. i used to love to shop the day after thanksgiving but the thought of battling the crowd with a toddler~let me clarify~MY toddler~does not sound fun at all. so i'm still in my pj's at 1 pm and plan on staying that way the rest of the day.
so we've started rubbing oscar's nose in his crap to try and house train him and a thought came to mind. dogs eat their own shit sometimes. so why do they get so freaked out when they have to smell it?? just a random thought....i know...most of mine are.
so i'll blog later..hopefully something exciting will happen. not likely since i don't plan on leaving the house.
we are going to the deer lease tomorrow night and staying until monday........with mackenzie. it will be interesting to say the least.
happy friday!! :)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

i was just wondering.......

why are they advertising britney spear's perfume again?? i get that it's almost christmas but come on. do they think we all want to smell like white trash who can't drive and never wears underwear??

why do i always get the slowest checker at the grocery store? i swear they see me coming.

why is it that i leave my dog outside for 2 freakin' hours and he comes inside and immediately shits on the floor?? seriously?

why is it almost 90 freakin' degrees in novemeber??? i hear we have cow flatulence to blame for that one. whatever.

why has my toddler started taking her clothes and diaper off in bed but while she's up she tries to put on every pair of pj's she owns at the same time??? this child may be the death of me.

why is everyone upset at the "bachelor??" i have to admit, i'm pretty impressed with the fact that he was honest. he didn't pick one just for the sake of picking. and he's hot and lives in austin. so there's still a chance of me meeting him....kidding. (not really :)

why does my husband drive me absolutely crazy in the morning? i swear he picks the morning, when i'm always in a hurry to ask me the most ridiculous questions ever. example: are you going to give me sex this morning. uh, let me think about same answer you got yesterday, the day before that and the day before that. if you want sex, you come to bed when i go to bed. period. this ain't 7-11. i'm not open 24-7.

a few updates for ya.....

cory did not buy a corvette.....yet. i'm sure one will show up eventually.

blake's football team was featured on the local news channel for going undefeated 7th and 8th grade. pretty neat!

the house is coming along great. i picked out all the lighting fixtures on friday..alone. it went so smoothly...imagine that.

that's all for to you later! happy tuesday!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

little red corvette.....

so, i've been up since 6 am. i know what you're thinking~mackenzie. nope. oscar? wrong again. my husband. he decided to get up and get to rosenburg early this morning. now let me tell you something about cory. when he gets up and there is other people still sleeping, he doesn't tip-toe around, quietly shutting doors trying to be courteous to other people. oh no. he's banging around, turning on the lights. we've had several lessons on how to quietly shut a door and he just doesn't get it. but the funny part is why he got up so early. mcfarty has some of the craziest dreams and he takes them very seriously. once, he had a dream that i was cheating on him~as if i had the time~and he woke up mad at me. whatever...
so last night he told me that god told him to go ahead and get his corvette...what? HIS corvette?? as if there is one already out there with his name on it! now, in his defense, i can imagine that being in the car business and being around all those cars would be difficult. i mean, i can't go to target and just look~that's insane. i mean, he goes to the auction where they parade all the awesome cars out in front of you. and they look all shiny and cool. it's like the guy's version of the mall! so there is a good chance that he may come home with a corvette today. and you know, i use to try and talk him out of it. i mean, we are a family of 5~it doesn't make sense to have a car that only seats 2. but i've given up. if he gets one, good for him. he did buy me a very, very nice car for mother's day. and i'll have a cool car to take out on girl's night~woo hoo!! because i hate to break it to him but the minute we said "i do" HIS corvette became OUR corvette. guess god forgot to mention that one.
bye for now!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

i need an intern.....stat!!

i watch e.r. (yes, still) and grey's anatomy. as i'm watching these shows, i came up with a brilliant idea~which most of mine are. before you get married or even think about birthing children, you should intern under someone who already has. i mean, they say, those are two of the most, if not, the most important jobs a person will take on in their life, right? it's easy. let's say i took on an intern..i'd actually take several. you get to tell them what to do and it's all for the sake of learning. everytime something comes up, like say, husband~who i will now refer to as mcfarty~won't stop snoring and/or farting in the bed. you would ask the intern(s) what they would do. i'm sure most would say, ah, nothing. he's your husband. you are supposed to love everything about him and just deal with it. wrong, intern, wrong. you can love someone with all your heart and not have to love all their annoying and disgusting habits. correct answer: take your ass to the couch and try to be back in bed before he wakes up so he doesn't get his feelings hurt. moving on.
your kids are driving you absolutely crazy~more than usual that is. the toddler is screaming because nothing is making her of the teenagers is going in and out of the house for the 50th time~along with a pack of equally foul smelling boys~and tracking mud through the house. what do you do?? i'm sure the naive single one would say, "take a deep breath, calmly talk to your children and resolve the problem. wrong again.
well, half wrong. you do take a deep breath, and then check the clock. if it's anywhere near 5 p.m. and by anywhere near i mean anytime after noon, have a glass of wine. or two. or three. by then, you won't care about the mud or the stinky teens and the toddler will be happy you are buzzed enough to sit through elmo and actually enjoy it.
see, this is genius. i really think i'm on to something here. but how would you advertise? and what would i call my business?? and it would be a business because i would charge these people, for sure. i know internships are supposed to be free but come on, people. this is valuable information that you know you wished you would have had before you sealed the deal. so if you know any single people thinking about taking the plunge or getting ready to get pregnant, send them my way.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

and finally.....part two of a day in the life of me....

so, i ended the last entry with me waiting to watch nip/tuck. i finally started it at 10:15 and believe i was asleep by 10:30. i woke up on the couch about 12:45 and went to bed. mac must have woke up and cory brought her to our bed. so i settle in to what little space they have left me in the king size bed. at around 3 a.m. mackenzie sits up and is coughing~make that gagging~i knew what was coming. she was about to puke. in the bed. in my bed. so i hurry up and turn the light on and try and comfort her. poor thing~she didn't know what was going on. at this point cory is up. while i am cleaning up mac, changing her pj's, i tell him to take oscar out to pee. he comes back to bed and procceds to lay a towel over the vomit spot and tells us to climb back in bed. uh, no. as if i can lay there knowing i'm laying on puke. and that smell...gross. i grab a pillow and tell him we are going to the couch. i also asked him if oscar had peed in his kennel again. he informs me yes and that he put him back in teach him a lesson. what?? are you freakin' kidding me?? he's like a baby~you aren't teaching him anything! so i clean up the kennel..AGAIN!! and mackenzie and i settle in on the couch. about 10 minutes later, the gagging starts again. this time i tried to move fast enough to get her to the toilet. no chance. she puked on herself, on me, on the couch. at this point we need a bath. cory decides to go sleep with ashlen so we can have the bed. mighty big of him, i know. believe me, i realize the lack of sensitivity coming from my husband. i could go on and on about it.. but that's for another blog. so mac and i get a bath. it is now about 4 a.m. i go ahead and turn on elmo hoping it gets her settled down and sleepy again. she did throw up a few more times but i managed to get her to the toilet..yea for me. we don't go back to sleep until about 6 a.m. we then get woke up at 7 because cory came in because ashlen had kicked him out of her bed hours ago-because of his snoring. mac is awake at this point. so we are up. ready to start another day. execpt she's sick and it's halloween. i can't get away from the smell of puke~it's probably in my hair and i'm too tired to care much less do anything about it.
so that's roughly 24 hours in the life of me. no, they are not all this bad and drama filled.
oh and it gets even better...guess who got the stomach virus early friday morning. yup...that would be me. and it was brutal. lost about 5 pounds within 24 hours. brutal. and why couldn't mac and i get it at the same time so she would just lay around with me?? oh no. that would be too easy. i had to wait and get it after she was better and i have to chase her around in all her toddlerness.
oh and where is my husband?? he left yesterday (yes, friday. the day i got sick) for the lease. he did ask me if i wanted him to stay~after he had already packed his car. of course, i said no. why, you ask? because i'm smart. he'll pay for this later. i'll want something from him and when he tells me no, i'll remind him of what a selfish ass he was to leave me alone while i'm sick.
he called about an hour ago and said his stomach hurt soooo bad. he said he had to shit in the woods and use his socks to wipe his ass. too bad. karma's a bitch. but like i told him..atleast you are off by yourself. if you want to go to bed and sleep all day, you can. there's no toddler to stop you or a puppy shitting everywhere.
i will go to bed with a smile on my face tonight at the thought of him having to wipe his ass with his socks.
yup. karma is a bitch.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

a day in the life of me......part one.

***this tale begins at 1:00 a.m. early tuesday morning and ends now..10:00 a.m. wednesday***
i'm sleeping rather peacefully when i hear mackenzie screaming. she sometimes wakes up when she's got a dirty diaper and is prone to bad diaper rash, so i rush in to change her. no dirty diaper, just wet. so with one eye open i drag myself, mac included, back to bed. she has become rather high maintenance~she likes to have her feet rubbed when she's trying to go to sleep. and if you stop, she gives you this grunt and proceeds to put your hand back on her foot. so after an hour of this and her not going back to sleep, i put her back in her bed where she screamed for about 10 minutes and finally gave up. time was about 4:00 a.m.
so i'm sleeping soundly once again when i hear oscar crying in his kennel. i come out to find that he has flooded his kennel. he must have been peeing in it this whole time but the blanket i had in there~which i had taken out the day before per the vet~had been soaking it up. time is now 6 a.m.
so at this point, i'm up. i start the coffee, clean up the kennel with some bleach water and plop down on the couch to catch up on some of my shows. i manage to watch private practice and one other that i can't seem to remember now. oh, women's murder club. it's great. comes on friday nights. i make mac's lunch for school, check my e-mail and make sure blake is up at 7. i then go and take a bath, shave my legs, and put on my workout clothes. i have to meet manny at 10.
at 8, i get mac up and feed her breakfast. i then get her dressed and ready while answering ridiculous questions from my husband who is still laying in bed. the most ridiculous of all being, "will you come file my heels? in other words, he's wanting me to stop my morning, get out my foot file and give him a mini pedicure....are you kidding me?? uh, no. i then proceed to tell him that i will do it tonight. i have no intention of doing it tonight. but he's got a better shot of it happening tonight than he does right now. i pour me some coffee for the road and go tell cory bye. he then asks, "where's my coffee?" while fighting the urge to pour mine in his face, i smile and go get him a cup. the phone rings. it's blake and i know what he's going to say before he says it~he's forgotten something. slider shorts for the game that night. i find them in his room and throw them in the car. i load up mac and we pull out of the driveway. time is 8:40.
i drop mac off at school, along with the cookies i had made the night before for her halloween party. she has her frog costume on and is super excited to be at school. it is now 9:00 and i head to blake's school. i saw an interesting display of road rage on the way. one guy cut another guy off, and the one who was cut off started honking his horn. the guy who cut him off started driving veeeerrryy slooooowwwww. it was so obnoxious. and it was a one lane road so the guy had no where to go. as i'm watching this, i'm thinking~that guy has way too much time on his hands. more proof that women should rule the world.
go to blake's school and drop off shorts. at that point, i debated going back by the house to let oscar out again to go to the bathroom. but here was my dilema~if cory is still there he will probably want to have sex because that's what he does. he picks the most inconvenient times to have sex. but i took a chance. he was still there but was in a hurry himself. dodged that bullet.
it's off to the gym. no sign of scary naked lady but there was a woman who was showing full frontal nudity..come on, people. give me a break!
i workout with manny, which was great. exhausting, but great. i leave the gym at 11:15 to go look for costumes for blake and his friend jake~who practically lives with us. i go to a huge halloween store to look for dog the bounty hunter and his wife beth. blake will be dog and jake is beth. i gather up everything they have that i can use, but still need to hit up a goodwill. on to goodwill. they have what i need~yea! oh and fyi-they sell men's underwear at CAN put cory's old underwear in the goodwill bag.
at this point it is 12:00 and i have an hour before i have to pick up mac. just enough time to swing by ulta for the two items i need. well, ten items later and waaay too much money, i'm headed to mac's school. i can't help myself in there, i'm such a product junkie!!!
pick up mac. her teacher said she had a blowout which is why she's wearing different pants. this little tidbit will come in handy later in the story.
come home, put mac down for a nap. i'm really needing her to get a good nap in. we have a picture appt. at 4. i can tell by the screams coming from her room, a nap is not likely. i leave her in there long enough to fix me some lunch. after lunch, i get her out and put her on my bed to watch elmo.. thank god for elmo. he's a lifesaver. and thanks to on-demand, i can get hin anytime. thank you time warner cable. i take a shower and get ready. i'm also doing laundry, answering annoying calls from my husband and his buddies at work asking me if i'm going to be britney spears for halloween....what??? oh, and i called an orthopedic to get blake an appt for his back. it's been bothering him.
so about 3:30 we head to our appt. i'm crossing my fingers that my child will be decent since she hasn't had a nap. we are meeting three of my friends and their tots. we took the four last year to have a pic made in their costumes and thought we'd do it again. we went to a place called portrait innovations. nice place. the poor girl we had must have been new. i choose to think that because if not, she just plain sucked. it took forever and we are trying to wrestle these toddlers around what is now, dinnertime. we finally leave around 5:30. pictures did turn out cute. i'll post later.
i then go home to drop mac off with ashlen so i can go to blake's football game. i know what you're thinking, is this day going to ever end?? oh, it's just getting started.
time is now about 6:15. me, cory and blake's friend kyle head to the game. game was great,they won. it was like 55 to 0. blake had an awesome game. it's now about 8:30 and time to go home. a quick stop at jack in the box and blake's school. he usaully goes directly home with us but he left his backpack at school so had to go back on the bus. of course he did.
so we are home at about 8:30ish. mac is already in bed~yes! i had told ashlen that she hadn't napped so put her down about 8:00. she said she crashed out on the couch before that watching, you guessed it, elmo. that was strange because mac doesn't usually pass out anywhere but her bed. but i'm not complaining. i eat my jack in the box and settle in to watch the season premiere of nip/tuck.
for those of you who don't know, this saturday is opening of deer season. to cory, this is like christmas. he's so excited. he's taking off the whole week to spend at the deer lease which is exciting to me. because frankly, if you aren't going to help, then stay the hell out of my way. anyway, he's got the t.v tied up watching some dvd of the lease.
so i'm going to leave you know..too much to do. but i'll continue later because this day is far from over.
happy halloween :)!!!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

gotta love the gay bar!

i have found the perfect place for married/committed women to hang out. my future sis in law, sarah, and good friend jen came down to austin wednesday night to take me out for my birthday. we started off at cool river which was very boring. so we ate and then headed downtown. we first went into a bar called six which is owned by lance armstrong. i only wanted to go in the off chance that there would be a celebrity sighting. i had heard that matthew mc and lance himself have been seen there. but no luck in the celebrity department. there were a lot of normal people...and of course, the men used every excuse to come over to our table and talk. why is a big ring on a woman's left ring finger not a deterent to men trying to pick them up?? i mean, if i were single, saw a cute guy and then noticed he was wearing a wedding ring, i would not approach him. i think some men see it as a challenge. like who can get the married chic?? so i had an idea..let's go across the street to the gay bar. i always try to get cory to take me in there but he refuses everytime. no way, no how. but jen and sarah were totally up for it. so we go to a place called rain....i know very hip. it was great...great music, even though it was karaoke night. the people were soooo nice. all the men told us how hot we looked and of course, we ate it up. one guy told me that i looked "very sex in the city." i wanted to take him home with me and keep him, like a little pet. so adorable. i even was awful but they made me feel like i had just won american idol. and best of all, we didn't get hit on once...they knew what team we played for and vice versa. it was wonderful. i will be going again. but after my recovery....i can't hang like i used to. needless to say, i was feeling pretty rough on thursday. but it was totally worth it. thank you sarah and jen!!

well, the season for eating has started~my friend gretchen brought over some pumpkin cookies with cream cheese icing that she made. yummmm. they are soooo goooood. i'm a sucker for pumpkin...and cookies. anyone knows that the way to my heart is through my stomach.

let the over eating begin..

**here's a picture of us at rain~the one on the left is marrying my bro**

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

lucky me....really!

when i first started dating cory, he introduced me to lucky jeans~which i had never worn. mostly because i was a single working mom who couldn't afford to pay $100 for a pair of jeans. i fell in love with these jeans. ok, fell in love might be a bit dramatic but, to me, nothing is better than a great fitting pair of jeans. and once you find ones that you like, you want to keep them forever. so i had a particular style that i loved and wore out several pairs. then they stopped making them. i was lucky (no pun intended) to find a pair at a resale store. i wore those out as well. yesterday i found myself at the mall where i ventured into a store that specializes in lucky jeans. low and behold, there they were. the same style jeans i had so loved and couldn't get my hands on. i did a little dance in the dressing room as i slipped them on. ahhhh...bliss. i snatched up two pairs and i swear it put me in a better mood for the rest of the day. it was a good day....
yesterday was also our anniversary. what did we do, you ask? went to bed at 10:00 and went to sleep. romantic, huh?? i guess that's what happens after awhile. it's just another day. you are just as tired at the end of it as any other. in his defense, he did drive to rosenburg and back and didn't get home until after 9:00. i don't know how he does it sometimes. but i sure love him for it.
have a great hump day!! :)

***i put a picture of oscar on the page~isn't he adorable???***

Monday, October 22, 2007

teenagers are annoying!!

well, i spent my friday night taking blake and several of his friends (girls included) to a haunted house. we go to pick up these two girls, who i have only met once and have never met their parents. i pull in to the driveway where the girls are already outside. the girl sticks her head inside, i assume to tell her parents she was leaving. i waited for a parent to emerge to come meet the person who was picking up their child at 10:00 on a friday night. nobody came out. these two girls hopped in my car and we took off. i'm thinking to myself, these people don't know me...never seen me before in their life. i may be the mom that gets all liquored up and drives drunk with kids in the car. or worse, the mom that has sex with 15 year old boys....which brings me to my next point. after having several of these teens in my car, radio blaring, every one of them talking-no screaming-at the same freakin' time i do these school teachers have sex with these boys! first of all they smell. they may have just showered but then they are running around, throwing the football or doing something to get sweaty and then they start stinking again. i know, i have one...and he stinks, too. i love him and he's adorable...but 95% of the time he smells like a locker room. and they are so obnoxious and loud and just annoying. they are worse in packs because they are trying to impress each other. i can handle blake and maybe one or two others at at a time. but throw in some girls and it's all over. they become more annoying by the minute. and these little girls just eat it up. which got me thinking~were me and my friends just as annoying?? i choose to believe not but my mom would probably say differently. i'm sure we were and we found the same annoying, stinky boys to be so fine~or whatever we said back then.
blake wouldn't tell me if one of these girls was his girlfriend but i weasled it out of one of the other boy who told me that one of them (can't remember the name) was kind of his girlfriend~whatever the hell that means. i don't know if they call it "going" together anymore. where the hell did we think we were "going" at 13??
so for those of you that don't have a teenager yet, this is what you have to look forward to. fun-filled friday nights at the haunted house with annoying, stinky teenagers. atleast around halloween.
have a great monday!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

i've lost my mind....have you seen it??

so it's official...i've lost it. cory and i went out thursday night to celebrate my birthday and our anniversary. we went to the domain, which for those of you who don't live in austin, is a new shopping complex with some nice restaurants and upscale stores. i told him that i wanted to go into tiffany's simply because i had never been in one. it was pretty much what i expected...lots and lots of beautiful, overpriced jewelry. so i'm browsing around while he's looking at wedding bands~he obviously felt it was time for an upgrade...for himself. he then turns his attention towards me and trying to get me to pick something out for myself. you see, i'm not much of a jewelry person. you wouldn't really know that by the amount of jewelry that i know own..thanks to my wonderful, generous (stubborn) husband. before him, i never even wore a watch on a regular basis. but anyway. he keeps trying to push something on me..not listening when i tell him for the 50th time, i don't want anything!!! i'm not going to pick something out just for the sake of getting something. as this whole conversation is happening, i noticed a group of women (employees) had gathered and were looking at us and talking among themselves. well, i knew what they were thinking. i looked over at them and said, "i bet you've never heard this conversation happen in here!" they all agreed and laughed but they weren't fooling anyone! i knew better. as soon as we left there~cory with his new wedding band, me with nada (i'm sorry, wasn't it my bday???) i asked him, "do you know what those women were thinking? how crazy was that chic whose husband was begging her to pick something out!!" his response: "i know, don't you know they would love to have a husband like me???" my response: "yes, dear."
so we proceeded to neiman's. they were giving away food and champagne...i'm in. so we're browsing around..champagne in hand..wanted to double fist it but i guess that's frowned upon in neiman's world. i'm looking around but nothing is really jumping out at me. until we hit the handbags...which i love. in my hand, i had the gucci purse that i have had my eye on for quite some time. it was gorgeous. everything was in place...cory was there ready to buy..all i had to do was pick out the color. then something happend...i realized that i didn't really need another handbag. i tried, oh did i try, to shrug this sudden bout of practicality off and just get the bag. he was practically throwing it at me..and i said "no, i'm good." what???? really??? i'm choosing now to be practical??? what's happening?? is this what being a responsible, mature adult is?? not getting something you really want because it just doesn't make sense??? what's happening to me????
so we leave..with two new cookbooks. they insisted all that good food they were handing out were in there. so okay.
as we are walking down to the restaurant, we stop in the louis vuitton store.."maybe you'll find something in here," he says. but again, nothing. i can't justify it..i've already got a couple of bags from here and a wallet..who needs more?? what?????????? i hear these things in my head but can't believe i'm thinking them!!! someone help me!! YOU CAN ALWAYS USE A NEW BAG!! or wallet. obviously that's what cory thought because he left there with a new one.
so. so, zilch, nada....and it's my birthday. well, i have the cookbooks but does that count???
but, our dinner was amazing! we ate at joe dimaggio's italian chophouse for the first time..we loved steak we've had in austin. and we have had a lot!!!! after all, i'm no skinny bitch.
so we had a great night. gotta go eat my kolache! have a great saturday!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

cheers and jeers

the following are strictly my opinions. but i also choose to believe that they are 100% accurate and correct.

cheers to dora the explorer. the girl proves that with a good, functional bag and some loyal friends, anything is possible.

jeers to rude ass people. more specifically the woman who watched me struggle with the stroller and the door at the mall today and walked right on past me. didn't even look twice. bitch. i hope she gets acne in the butt.

cheers to pinot grigio. no explanation necessary.

jeers to hillary clinton. again, no explanation necessary.

cheers to the old people rockin' the mall this morning with their power walking.

jeers to the fact that my husband has been home the last two days "sick." and i use that term very loosely. he's driving me to drink....more than usual.

cheers to the fact that on tuesday we will be married for 3 years. and have not killed each other yet. of course his xanax and my zoloft may have something to do with that.

cheers to drees homes who finally started on our house....yeah!!!!!

jeers to my wonderful husband who tried unsuccessfully to convince me that i wanted to spend my birthday and anniversary weekend at the deer lease. we compromised....we're going out tomorrow night. so i guess this could be a jeers/cheers combo. two for the price of one. i're welcome.

cheers to my wonderful friends....thanks for the cupcakes, linds!! they were great!!!!

cheers to all my pregnant sistas! you eat all you want, screw your ob's!!

cheers to any woman that decides to wear maternity clothes when not pregnant. why the hell not??

cheers to ellen......degeneres that is. i love her...she always makes me smile.

jeers to the assholes who took away the dog she gave her hairstylist.

cheers to mother's day out. don't know what i'd do without it.

jeers to the fact that it is 8:30 and i have not poured a glass of wine yet.

cheers to the fact that i'm going to pour me one right now!!!

***i've blogged two days in a row!!! i're welcome!!! :)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

i'm baaaaaaack..........

ok, i'm still alive, people!! and i promise to be better about blogging! let me tell you about our trip. i do believe i have found heaven on earth...and it is the four seasons hotel in punta mita, mexico. i'm not sure if all four seasons are like this~i've only stayed in one other and that was just for one night (our wedding night) in irving. but this place was amazing!! the's like you didn't have to ask for anything..they were there with it before you could ask!!! they came around and cleaned your freakin' sunglasses for you at the pool...waiters came around with free chocolate.......not the fake, cheap chocolate either (you know what i'm talking about!) but haagen daaz (totally know i spelled that wrong) chocolate ice cream. it was great! we never left the hotel..we had our own private cabana at the adult pool for two days..heaven. it had a big flat screen t.v. and a dock for your ipod. again, heaven. in fact, i've decided that if heaven isn't like the four seasons, i'd rather not was that good. don't have any crazy stories...except one. my husband decided to get good and drunk one night and didn't feel like walking back to the room so he did the most logical thing...he stole a golf cart. and he actually excpected it to still be in front of the room the next morning. it wasn't. on the same night, he exposed himself off our balcony to a group of i'm sure very startled hotel guests. to be more specific, he showed them "the goat." for those of you who don't know what that the movie "waiting." it's hilarious!! you may never look at cory the same way again but still worth watching. but this was the most relaxing vacation i think we have ever had. i had forgotten how much i liked bloody marys..and hey, they can't be all bad, right?? i mean, the vodka may be but all the tomato juice has got to be good for me...or that's what i'm choosing to believe. and trust me, there was a whole lot of tomato juice.
so that was mexico. it was great but as always we were glad to be home.
update on house: NOTHING!!!!! it seriously feels like we have been building this house forever and they haven't even broke ground yet!!! not sure what the hold-up is but hopefully they will be starting soon!!
gotta go for now, but i promise to return very soon!! tootles!!

Monday, October 1, 2007

long time, no blog

i know, i know.....i haven't been blogging!! sometimes i don't know where all my time goes...oh, that's right...i've got 3 kids, a husband~who could easily qualify as the 4th child~and a new puppy!! we got a new puppy this weekend! his name is oscar and he is an eight week old french bulldog! so cute! i'll post pictures soon!!! i'm still working out~haven't lost any weight but my clothes are fitting better which is what counts, right? the scary, skinny naked lady is also still working out~and still sitting bare ass on the bench in the locker room. everytime i see her, i'm thinking, "why aren't any of my friends here so we can talk about this???" it's just too good to not talk about. i've learned that the gym is a great place to people watch! well, we have finished up at the design center for the house so they should be breaking ground any day now~thank god! it seems like we have been building this house forever! mackenzie is loving mother's day out...and so am i! she goes right to the teacher and turns around and waves bye and i'm outta there! never looking back! and she hasn't been kicked out yet which is a big fear that i had. she has bitten and been bitten. you know, the whole full circle thing.
we are off to mexico on wednesday and i so wish we owned a laptop so i could blog from there~i anticipate having some good stories.
i did notice something the other day while driving down the road...i think some people believe that once they get in their car they are invisible to the outside world. some of the things i see people do in their vehicles is amazing. of course, there is the nose picking. i caught a guy the other day that even when he saw that i was looking at him, he didn't fact, i think he got to digging a little deeper..gross. and the dancing and singing...some people are having their own american idol auditions in their car! i can't say a lot about this one..i've been known to get a little excited myself when a certain song or songs comes on the radio. my favorite is to pull up at stop light, with blake in the car, and start dancing really obnoxiously....blake just loves it. he slumps down in his seat like he is going to die of embarassment. funny..i don't ever remember being embarassed by my parents......yeah, right.
well, i'm working on my things i'm addicted to list. i'm going to try and post it tonight after i've had a few glasses of thoughts seem to flow so much better after that.
have a great monday!

Friday, September 21, 2007

keep your nakedness at home!

so, i was at the gym today~yes, for all you skeptics out there, i'm still going strong~and saw something rather disturbing. there is a woman who is pushing 70 easily, maybe even in her 70's and i've seen her a few times and always in the locker room. she is very skinny and her body is well, a body that a woman that age would have...think your grandma. unless your grandma is some sort of fitness guru whose body doesn't match her age. anyway, did i mention that everytime i've seen this woman, SHE IS NAKED!! COMPLETELY NAKED!! now before i continue, i'll tell you this~i wasn't brought up in a "naked" house (old sex in the city reference!) everyone was very discreet with their nakedness~meaning, we were naked behind closed doors. we weren't taught to be embarassed or ashamed of our bodies but we weren't taught to flaunt it wide open through the living room either. even to this day, i am so not a naked kind of person~i don't like to see my own self naked (much to my husband's chagrin) much less anyone else. it just makes me uncomfortable. i nursed mackenzie for almost 8 months and the only 2 people on earth to see my do this uncovered was my husband and my mom. unless someone was sneaking a peek that i don't know about! and to that i say...gross. i know that being in a locker room at a gym, you run the chance of seeing a naked person(s). but this was beyond anything i could have prepared for. first, her boobs are like~as my lovely friend melissa describes them~beaver tails. i had never heard that comparison before and about pissed my pants the first time she ever said it! and she gets completely nude~not a stictch of clothes. when she does finally put on a shirt, that's where it stops. she literally sits on the bench~NO UNDERWEAR~so there is nothing between her vajay-jay (and what may be seeping out if it!) and the bench. there she sits with just a t-shirt on, putting on the ugliest blue eyeshadow you have ever seen that just so happens to go with the hideous blue/turquoise/glittery polish she has on her nails and toes. i'd like to say that i admire the fact that she lets it all hang out and doesn't give two shits on who sees it, but truth is, I DON'T!!
but despite the horror i witnessed beforehand, i still had a great workout. i went 2.5 miles on the treadmill. it felt great. and when i choose which treadmill i'm going to get on, it's not a random-which-ever-is-available-type thing. oh, no. i look for the one that is sandwiched between a very fit, chic with a smokin' body (bitch) and a woman is much heavier than me (god love her). that way i can look over one shoulder and be like, ahh, that's why i'm working so i can look like that. then, look over the other shoulder and be like, ahh, that's why i'm working so hard......cuz i don't wanna look like that! and i mean i'm talking about a woman that weighs about 250. not that there is anything wrong with that.....don't want to offend anyone. yeah, right. i'm so not politcally correct...a favorite trait that i can proudly say i inherited from my father!
oh! exciting news! a few weeks ago, i e-mailed someone at austin monthly magazine about turning my blog into a column. they forwarded it to the editor and she replied this week. she said that while they are not looking for new columnists right now, she loved my blog~thought i had a super fun style~and would definately keep me in mind. i think i'll try a few other publications and i'm looking for suggestions! keep your fingers crossed!!
gotta go~it's wine time! have a great weekend!!

**coming soon~things that i'm addicted to!***

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

skinny bitch=crazy bitch

oh, ladies...grab you a drink, get comfortable because this is going to be a doozy. first of all, i apologize for being lazy with my blog. i know you anxiously wait for me to post new, insane stories ripped straight from my crazy life...and i'm sorry i haven't been giving you your daily fix. i'll try and do better. so, i just got done reading the book "skinny bitch." now when i first heard about this book, i thought it would be about getting skinny, being fit and you know since i'm on this workout frenzy right now, i thought, why not? i'm sure there will some great tips in there. and i also read that victoria beckham was seen with a copy and we all know she has a rockin' body. this is a book like no other i've ever read. these two women..who refer to themselves as not just bitches but skinny bitches...are so freakin' full of themselves. first, they talk about how if you eat meat or dairy you will never, ever be skinny!!!!! what???????? are they serious. of course, they are vegans...which means they eat no meat or animal products. so no dairy...milk, cheese,eggs...all a big no-no. they go into this tyrade about the meat industry and the horror of the slaughterhouses and yada yada yada. they have some valid when they talk about all the steriods and growth hormones they pump into cattle...when you consume the meat or milk from that cattle you are ingesting everything they are. but seriously, to say that you will never be skinny if you eat meat or dairy?? i beg to differ, bitches. i've been skinny before and i damn sure eat meat and dairy. nothing is better than a big, fat juicy steak...and cheese....who can live without cheese??? they tell you all these meat and dairy substitutes are out there but i'm sure they taste like total ass...fake cheese??? i hate to think what that is made from. and i know why these women are bitches....THEY ARE FREAKIN' HUNGRY!! all they eat are fake meat and fake cheese. they talk about all these great vegan cookies....might as well munch on a piece of cardboard. i shouldn't say that...i haven't tried them. but come on! cookies made without eggs!! how good can they be? no wonder victoria beckham never smiles.......SHE'S FREAKIN' STARVING!! so i went to the grocery store today and found myself looking at the ingredients of everything! which i guess isn't a bad thing..i know my diet could be better but i was borderline obsessive today. finally, i said screw it...these chics have gotten in my head. i know you can eat meat and dairy and still be i right? and if not then skinny i won't be..cause i'm not giving them up. period.
i want these chics to go on oprah preaching this crap...can you imagine. cause you know oprah can throw down some meat and dairy! this has given me even more motivation to keep working out. in fact, when i reach my target, i'm going to take a picture of myself in a tub filled with red meat and a big ol' glass of milk....and i'm going to send it to those skinny bitches. and show them that even us card-carrying, meat-eating, dairy-having bitches can be skinny, too.
no, i won't do that...that's a waste of perfectly good meat.
the book is worth reading, though. it's very blunt, to the point. it's like no other book i've ever read.
gotta go....i'm feeling like a piece of cheese..

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

good news, bad news.........

well, mona has left the building. for those of you who didn't read my last blog (shame on you!) mona was the name i gave my yeast infection. actually she was just the cute character from the monistat website but anyway. yes, i am yeast free. well i think you always have some yeast, but i can no longer bake bread in my underwear.....sorry about that one..that was bad......even for me! so if you haven't figured it out, that's my good news. oh and mac starts mother's day out tomorrow~and i've added fridays, too. so now she will be going three days a week. thank you, jesus.
so now for the bad. mackenzie can officially get out of her crib. i watched her with my own eyes, flip over the top, land on her back and get right back up. never skipped a beat. i'm not dealing with a normal human being here. she is unbreakable, unstoppable and out of control!!! so we turned her crib into a daybed yesterday and last night when i put her to bed, of course, she got right back up and was banging on the door, screaming. after awhile when she realized she wasn't going to break free, she climbed back in bed and went to sleep. ahhh..this wasn't so bad. now i knew naptime would be worse because in the daylight she could see her toys. so today at naptime, i laid down with her until she feel asleep...i know...not a habit i wanted to get into but i needed her to sleep so i could take a freakin' bath. so we get ready to go to bed tonight and i did the same thing as last night......put her down and shut the doors to her room. she screamed and started banging on the door.....WITH HER HEAD!!!! as i was standing there listening, i thought to myself, that pounding sounds a little too hard to be just her hand. well, it was her freakin' head. she know has knots all along her forehead and bruises. so i've got to take her to mother's day out tomorrow looking like she's been in a boxing match. i hope they don't call cps thinking she's been beaten.
so i just ordered a crib tent online. i'm going to put the front rail back on that damn bed and tent it up! i can't have her beating her head on the wall every night when i put her to bed.....she'll go crazy. and there's only room for one crazy in this house and i've got it covered!
oh, and it gets better......SHE'S STILL AWAKE!! we've tried everything. cory and i both got in the bed with her (at separate times of is a crib mattress we are talking about) and cory put her in bed with him..again, two habits i don't want to start but we are desparate. i finally have her calm and in her own bed but with the tv on.........i can hear you all know...........what??? letting your toddler watch tv at 11:47 at night. hey it's better than her giving herself freakin' brain damage! the tent should be here in a few days.
so i'm welcoming any advice anyone has for this particular situation. especailly if it involves me drinking lots of wine and starting earlier in the day. women who stay home with toddlers shouldn't have to wait until 5:00 to drink. it's cruel. i'm going to come up with "the stay at home mom's official happy hour time." it's bad enough we don't get to go to a "real" happy hour so i say we start drinking at 2:00ish. yeah, that sounds good!
well, i guess i should go finish my glass of wine that i poured at 7:00 and never finished. cheers.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

big bag of m&m's with a side of monistat, please....

warning to male readers: if the above title didn't already deter you from reading any further, let me warn you: the following information may be disturbing. there will be talk of vaginal discharge and it ain't pretty. if you choose to continue reading, just remember, you have been warned!
oh, this is a real doozy. i have my first yeast infection. i didn't discover said yeast infection until about midnight tonight. feeling very uncomfortable, i decided to go to walgreens and get some monistat. i've seen the commercials, those women look satisfied with the results, i'll give it a try. oh and for those who don't know..everything they say about cottage cheese and yeast's true. moving on. of all the things that happened to be playing on the radio while i'm on the way to find vaginal relief: jay-z's "big pimpin' spending cheese." i shit you not! i realize that in the song, cheese is slang for money, but still. you must see the irony. all i needed to hear was "cat scratch fever" and the night would be complete. so as i'm pulling into the walgreens, i'm wondering what type of people are at walgreens at 1 am on an early wednesday morning (or late tuesday night, however you choose to look at it)? some interesting ones, let me tell ya! an old, worn looking biker chic (probably in her sixties) came in with not one, but two old, worn looking biker dudes. they were browsing the lotion and skin care aisle. not sure what they ended up purchasing. anyhoo, i find the monistat and decide to go with the combo pack~who knew? not only can you get a fast food meal in a combo but yeast infection medicine as well. i also went with some AZO tablets~some natural way to help cure and prevent yeast infections. appearantly these are a pretty common problem for women. i guess you are wondering where the m&m's come in to the story. well, i have a huge addiction to peanut butter m&m's. i used to always get a medium bag everytime i went to the store. now i say medium because that is what it says on the bag...but don't let that fool's a big bag. i usually take several days to a week to eat this bag..witht he help of my toddler (who has appearantly inherited my sweet tooth!) and my husband. now since i have been working out and trying to eat better, i haven't been buying these. but you know what? screw's my yeast infection pity party and i'll eat m&m's if i want to.
so i head up to the counter with my purchases and they guy checking me out (of course, it had to be a guy!) is talking to the guy behind me (yes, i was surrounded by them) about his allergies. give me a break, dude. you want to whine about some post nasal drip while i have an itchy crotch??
so i get home and take out my monistat combo pack. it comes with a syringe looking applicator with a huge egg-shaped capsule that you are supposed to shoot into your vagina. i had to laugh because in big bold letters on the front of the package it says, "do not take by mouth." you know they put that on there because some moron shot that thing down their throat! if that was any of's still funny. i also recieved some cool wipes and vaginal cream with my combo pack.
so i head into the toilet area with my arsenal of vaginal products determined to kick this thing in the ass when two things came to mind. (1) is this eve's fault as well? do i have that forbidden fruit-eating slut to thank for this? don't think i won't be looking for her in the afterlife...i'm going to find her and kick her ass!!
(2) maybe freud was on to something with his whole "penis envy" theory. i mean, having a penis has got to be better than putting up with this whole mess!
so after i was done, i climbed into bed because it is now almoswt 2 am. great. and i have to meet my trainer at 9:00. not only will i be suffering from massive twat itching but i'll have sleep deprivation as well. it's going to be a fun workout. between the roaring of thunder outside and the thunderous roar that is my husband's snoaring~oh and don't forget that my crotch feels like it is on fire~i can't sleep. so i decided to come out here and share my experience with all of you. how lucky you are!
i'm going to try and sleep now. my vagina is feeling some relief now.
oh! i did go to my aerobics class today and it was awesome! i really love the class and the instructor~i think i'll make it a permanent tuesday thing!
i'm too tired to do spell check so sorry for any mispelled words. cut me some slack. i've got a yeast infection for christ's sake!
***that cutey patootey at the top is from the monistat website. i shall call her mona and she will be my monistat friend.***

Monday, September 3, 2007

these kids today.....

so i was at the mall the other day (shocker!) and i noticed something rather disturbing. what is up with the kids today being so freakin' rude to their parents?? i mean, some of the things i hear them say to their mother's, they should be beaten. i know i would have been! my parents weren't much for public discipline but my dad could give a look that would burn a hole through ya! you know the one~the eyes get big, they shake their head slightly. and you know what they are thinking..."when we get out of here you are in so much trouble!" and then your day is ruined! no matter how much fun you were having, it's all over now because all you can think about is the ass whipping you are going to get later! the kids have no respect! i mean, i wasn't an angel by any means but i'd like to think i'm not as bad as some of these kids!! some of them are total a-holes!! even blake noticed it~and he supposed to be one of those disrespectful teens! and what is with all the rude ass people out there that watch as a woman is trying to get through a door, with a stroller, no less, and doesn't hold the door??? i don't know how many times i've been struggling with the door trying to push my stroller through, hold my purse, diaper bag and god knows what else while some ass walks right past me!! i guess i'm just used to my dad who is straight up old school~holds the door for ladies, opens the car door and even tips his hat to women! i've seen him actually take his hat off when meeting a woman for the first time! they just don't make them like that anymore! but i can promise you that my son will atleast open the door for a woman with a stroller! he better atleast~i'd hate to have to beat him. he's pretty big~i think he could take me.
mac is feeling much better and i'm so anxious to get back to the gym tomorrow. i did walk about 2 miles this morning with my mom so that felt good. i'm not sore anymore so that's good.
have a great week!

Friday, August 31, 2007

cabin fever, anyone?

i've been holed up in my house for several days with a sick baby. i'm speaking of the actual baby in this house, not my husband. mac has been sick and driving me crazy!!! bless her heart, i know she's hurting~she's got white spots on her tonsils and of course, it's viral so no medicine! lovely. i can give her motrin for the fever and pain but do they not make baby vicodine or something?? she's doing much better but still very whiny. for those of you wondering (which i'm sure you all are) i did run the other night. did not work out yesterday and probably won't today. pretty bummed about that but oh well. i do have some more motivation to keep going, though. cbs is sending cory and me to the four seasons in punta mita, mexico oct. 3-7! yeah!!!!!!!! i can't wait! i may do nothing but get massages and order room service. hopefully, this will be a "pro-creation vacation" if ya know what i mean! i know they are sending us because of the amount of money that cory spends on his advertising for the dealership, but i choose to think that god is rewarding me for putting up with cory's cfd....compulsive farting disorder. yes, i've given it a name. patent pending.
have a great weekend folks! hope to be back among the living next week!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

they all do it!!

my dear friend shauna, who i've known all my life and who's blog inspired me to start my own (thanks, shauna!) had an interesting topic on her latest blog: the disgusting noises that men make. first of all, let me start off saying that i love my husband and when i married him, i knew all his annoying habits and felt that over time, they wouldn't bother me as bad. you know how sometimes when there is an annoying noise that is constant and people say after awhile you just don't notice it anymore?? wrong. not only do you still notice it (them) but they are even more annoying. for example, when cory brushes his teeth, he sounds like he is brushing his tonsils...i'm not kidding. he gags himself, over and over again. it's disgusting and very loud. people who have overheard this have actually asked me if he's okay in there? is he choking? nope, just brushing his throat! last night, he fell asleep on the couch, which he does most nights, (and i wonder why i'm not pregnant?!) and i was trying to watch a movie. all of a sudden, he starts farting. and i don't mean the occasional little toot...i mean, at one point, i could have sworn he shit his pants. and i wasn't going to wake him up to find, sir. if he shit his pants, he can lay in it. obviously wasn't bothering him. but he kept on and on and on. why are men so gassy?? and why aren't they embarassed by it?? i believe my husband has heard me pass gas once in the 5 years we have been together. and that was the day after giving birth so it doesn't count. i mean, your body is a wreck, you aren't responsible for the disgusting things oozing out of it, right? but i would be mortified if he told me i was laying on the couch farting in my sleep! not him. or any man for that matter. it's almost like a badge of honor for them. gross. and don't get me started on the snoring. it's a lost cause. but atleast it doesn't smell.
another annoying habit that i can't stand is why do men clip their toenails and/or fingernails anywhere in the house? if i need to do this, i usually sit on the edge of the toilet (lid down, of course) or bathtub and do it over the trashcan. i find his clippings in the bathtub, on the carpet, in the chair, on the couch...everywhere. it's so gross. i'm sure my daughter has probably consumed her share of toenails that she finds lying around...what do ya do?
and the most amazing part of all this: they wonder why we don't want to have sex with them? would they still want to have sex with us if we were farting all the time? yeah, they probably would, they are men. and they always want sex.
so anyone reading this that is not married..take note. these annoying habits don't become cute or quirky once you say i do...they are as disgusting and repulsive as they sound.
update on my fitness crusade: i went to an aerobics class yesterday with my friend danielle and it was awesome. i'm very sore today but feel great. was at the gym to meet trainer this morning and when i got mac out of the car, she had fever. but i was there, ready to go. that counts right?? i'll have to run with blake later or something.
gotta run. sick child wants me to hold her. later gators.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

the gods have been listening......

it's almost here people........tmz on tv!!! i can't wait! mark your calendars for september 10!

**i'll post more later...can barely hold my arms up they are so sore........damn you, manny (trainer).

Monday, August 27, 2007

major buzz kill

so i had my first official session with my trainer this morning. it went pretty well, no, it went great! about half way in to it, i was thinking, this is pretty easy, relatively painless and i really think i'm going to be able to stick with this. when we finished i felt like i was on this exercise high, like i was drunk with fitness. and then it happened. my trainer sat me down and had a talk. he told me that today was pretty easy since we were just getting started......uh, what?? wait a when i said relatively painless, i was lying. i was trying to sound tougher than what i really one point my left butt cheek felt like it was on fire, literally. and now he's telling me that it will get harder. great. there went my fitness buzz. but don't worry, i'm going to stick with it. i've got a goal and i tend to see it through to the end. no matter how hard it becomes. i wonder if there is an episode of "snapped" where a crazy (sorry, i like to refer to them as misunderstood) woman killed her trainer?? oh! anyone know how many calories are in white wine?? it doesn't really matter because i'm going to keep drinking it.....something's got to ease the pain of my butt cheek. see ya.

Monday, August 20, 2007

i've made the first step

well, i did it. i joined the gym today and i've got my first appointment with a trainer tomorrow. his name is manny and i'm not going to lie.....i hope he's hot. i joined lifetime fitness and this place is awesome!!! they have indoor pools, outdoor pool, spa, salon, cafe. hell, there is a big flat screen t.v. in the freakin' bathroom! with some big comfy leather chairs, too. if i don't feel like working out one day, i may just go hang out in the bathroom and watch general hospital...let's see my kids or husband find me in there! i'm really excited about getting started. i'm feeling really slugglish lately. i'm going to really try and get in a routine and get my ass in shape! no more excuses! now, i've got to go.........there is something sweet in my kitchen calling my name! guess i probably need to change my step at a time.......

things that make you go hmmm.............

just a few things to ponder......

1. why are vietnamese-born people so freakin' good at doing nails?? seriously.
2. why is my husband so obsessed with indian women and their birth-giving and breastfeeding skills?? all through out my pregnancy he told me how indian women gave birth in a field (duh..cause they didn't have hospitals) and how they would breastfeed the whole tribe? the babies of the tribe, that is. well, you know what? you should have married pocha-freakin'-hontas! cause i'm going to the hospital and i'm asking for all the drugs they can legally give me! and i'm only offering my milk-jugs to my own kid, thank you very much!
3. why does same said husband have so many opinions on those subjects anyway.....i mean, those are two things that i can definately, without reservation, say that he will never, ever do in this lifetime!
4. why would i give up a vital organ to see him(or any other male, for that matter) do either one?????
5. now, supposedly, according to the bible, women have periods because eve ate the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden. now, adam was right there along with her....sure, he could have said no but he didn' where is the male version of "aunt flo" or male p.m.s????????
6. why do some men think it is ok to not shut the door when they are using the restroom??? fyi, there is nothing you are doing in there that we want to be witness me. they put a lock on those doors for a reason, buddy. use it.
7. why am i up at this ridiculous hour?????????

oh, i've got a new man to add to "my list." i just finished watching "fracture" with anthony hopkins and ryan gosling. no, it's not anthony hopkins (although his voice is quite appealing). ryan gosling, who i loved in the notebook, looked really hot in this movie. kind of like the guy next door......if the guy next door was a real hot lawyer. good movie, you should check it out!

anyway, i'm out........for now.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

my ass has got to get in shape!!

ok, i've really got to start working out. and not just for the smart, obvious reasons like it's good for my health, it will make me slimmer, blah, blah, blah. and the fact that i am the most comfortable wearing either a) anything with no wasistband (aka a dress) or b) anything with an elastic, drawstring waistband. no, the reason i need to get in shape is in case i am being chased by crazy people with knives!! cory and i were watching "vacancy" the other night. i don't want to give anything away in case you are planning on seeing it, but there were some crazy people with knives after this couple. all i kept thinking while watching this is that cory and i would soooooo be dead. we are so out of shape. i mean these people were having to run, climb up things, crawl through tunnels. it was insane. you would have to be in some serious shape to survive. we'd be screwed!! i think at some point, i'd just turn around and run directly into the knife just so i could stop running! so it's settled. next week, i'm joining a gym and getting a trainer. never know when crazy people are going to be after you with knives.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

how could i forget????

i left a very important person off my list of men........vince vaughn. how could i forget him?? i do know him after all. we shared a brief encounter on the "ellen show." and if i would have been single then.......well, things would have went down a whole lot different. peace out.

a few good men....

so i've been thinking about something lately. if my wonderful husband gave me a free pass (or a few free passes) to be with someone famous, who would i choose?? well, there are a few.

1. julian mcmahon. he is one of the doctors on the show nip/tuck. delicious. so what if his eyebrows are more groomed than mine?? who's paying attention to the eyebrows?

2. mark walberg. yuuummmmyyy. he gets better looking with age! although he did look good when he was modeling underwear for calvin klein! marky who'd a thunk it?? i'd like to see his "funky bunch!"

3. matthew mcconaughey. not sure if that's spelled right. now, this is a tricky one because i've heard from several sources that he smells....and not good. he did admit on oprah that he hasn't worn deodorant. he claims he makes his own cream....FYI, matt, cream and deodorant..not the same thing. i could just get drunk...does alcohol impair your sense of smell?? but he's still hot. of course, according to my husband, he's hotter. no comment.

4. george clooney. like a fine wine...better with age. back in the day when he was on "facts of life" (remember that show..loved it!) he had a mullet and was dorky. but! i've heard he may be gay. like i care. that just means he'd be good to shop with, too. doesn't get much better than that!

5. rob lowe. another one that has aged very, very well. anyone who watches brothers and sisters knows what i'm talking about. he's a classic.

so that's all for now...i'll update as more come to mind. have a good sunday.

Thursday, August 9, 2007


i left one of my favs off the list. sixteen candles!!! how could i forget long duck dong??? isn't it funny to watch these movies know that you are older and you actually understand the jokes? good times.

top ten 80's movies

ok, i'm obviously struggling to come up with things to blog about. but as i was laying (or lying, i can never remember which is correct) in bed last night, i was thinking about some of my favorite movies. i know what you are thinking, wow, her nights must be really lame. well, they are. and i've made peace with that. anyhoo, i'd like to present you with my top ten favorite 80's movies.

10. girls just wanna have fun. it features a pre sex in the city sarah jessica parker and helen hunt. a rather cheesy film about two high school girls who are dying to be on an equally cheesy show called "dance t.v." my friend courtney and i used to have "dance-offs" inspired by this movie, of course.

9. breakfast club. everyone remembers detention, right? but i don't remember if being quite this fun. oh and ally sheedy's crazy character in today's time, would totally be shooting up the school. she was nuts!!

8. fast forward. ok, most of you probably have never even heard of this ridiculous movie. it's another movie about young adults who go to new york to make it as dancers. courtney and i watched it religiously and yes, danced. anyone sensing a pattern here? besides the fact that me and courtney were obviously huge dorks? maybe i was a dancer in a former life??

7. pretty in pink. ahh..molly ringwald. gotta love her if you were a child of the 80's. and andrew mccarthy...yum. i mean back then, not so yum now. and she made her own prom dress!!!! now that's drama.

6. revenge of the nerds. not a lot to say about this one..title pretty much sums it up. you've got nerds, they get revenge. still pretty funny!

5. any friday the 13th or halloween movie. ok i know a lot of you don't like scary movies. but my friends and i couldn't get enough of these cheesy things. and they are not even scary! molly ringwald having to make her own prom that's horror!

4. thelma and louise. just watched this one for the millionth time the other night. never gets old. who hasn't watch that and pictured yourself and a friend in the leading roles. well, i have. and like i said, i'm a dork.

3. footloose. kevin bacon was the shit back then. and he could dance! and you know i love me some movies about dancing!

2. urban cowboy. again, one that most of you probably haven't seen. it's got john travolta and he's a real cowboy. well, if real cowboys ride mechanical bulls in bars. but still, love this movie.

are you ready for my number 1 pick...............

i've got a tie

1. dirty dancing. with great lines like "nobody puts baby in the corner." how could you not love this movie. and you have to admit patrick swayze was hot in this movie. and who doesn't fantasize about going on a boring family vacation and hooking up with an older, bad boy? well, i did. and i know. i'm a dork.

1. st. elmo's fire. it has the whole "brat pack" in it! and rob lowe was hot..but has gotten even hotter with age. yummy!! and love demi moore. so what if she was a messed up coke-head~we've all got friends like that, right?

hope this totally useless information was helpful! by the way, i own movies #9, 4, 3, 2 and both #1's if anyone is interested in borrowing them. while browsing my extensive movie selection i noticed a few more that didn't make the list, though they are fine pieces of cinematic history....valley girl and fast times at ridgemont high. both hilarious! and both feature academy award winning actors. nicholas cage and sean penn, respectively. all are up for rent, no late fees. peace out my friends!

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

love my t.v.

ok, those who know me well know that i love my t.v. i watch a lot of t.v. and now with the wonderful invention of dvr, i can record anything and watch it when i want. so i have a lot of shows that i watch. usually summertime is pretty slow but i'm finding all kinds of stuff to satisfy my t.v. fix. cory and i just watched "wife swap" last night! had to be one of the funniest ones yet. if you haven't checked it out, you need to. i tell cory all the time that i want us to go on it. i don't care what kind of family i get stuck with, it would be worth if cory got stuck with some crazy woman who like didn't ever take a bath or something. and there are some crazy people like that on the show. last night, one family used their own urine to water their garden! yes, they poured pee on it! gross! i'd love to see a woman try and convince my husband to eat that! we also watched "big love" last night and if you have read my previous blog, you know how i feel about that one! love it. another guilty pleasure is "dog the bounty hunter." can't get enough. his wife, beth, has got the biggest boobs i've ever seen. seriously, she makes pam anderson look like she needs a training bra! but i love the show. i tried to convince cory that we should have a bail bonds business and track down criminals. he told me (for the millionth time) that his dad had a bail bonds business and he could do it. when i added that i could join him, he laughed. pretty hard, too. i'm not sure, but i think i'm offended. there is also a show on oxygen called "snapped." omg~it's a 30 minute show all about diffeent women who have lost it and killed their husband/boyfriend. i love it!!! i mean, i don't love that people are dead but it's just interesting how these women seem so normal and just everyday frustrations build up and they lose it! little things like, not picking up their crap, taking a nap on the couch while their child is playing in the laundry detergent, laughing at their wife when she suggests she could be an awesome crime fighter...........ok, maybe i don't need to watch that one anymore.

Monday, July 30, 2007

lookin' for some big love....

ok, so cory and i watch this show called "big love" on hbo~we love it. it's a show about a guy and his three (yes, three) wives. they are polygamist who live in utah~go figure! anyway, we really love this show. we've been watching it for several seasons now and cory has always teased me about getting a second wife. at first, i have to admit, i was offended! i mean, i'm not enough for him??? he needs another wife to make him happy?? another woman to pick up his crap and bitch about his snoring?? but after watching the show and really giving it some serious thought, they may be on to something. how many times have you wished you could clone yourself just to get more done in a day?? and how many things would you love to put off on someone else but no one is willing to step in and do it?? these women on the show, they call each other "sister wives" are really close and really love and care for each other. yeah, they have their differences but what marriage doesn't, right? atleast if you had a "sister" wife, you'd have a live-in girlfriend! someone to always be there to listen to you bitch about your/her husband! chances are, she'd have the same complaints. and just think, if you got to hand pick her yourself~which cory swears i could do! you don't feel like cooking one night, call the sister wife! too tired for laundry, you're up sister! now the only tricky part, i guess, would be the sex thing. i mean just because i don't feel like having sex with my husband doesn't mean i want some other woman doing it. but then again, if she cleans my toilets when she's done..well...........................
have a good night! and check out "big love" we'll be taking applications soon! ha! ha!