Monday, June 30, 2008

gotta love this kid's honesty...

my mom sent this to me...pretty funny stuff.

This is really cute!!!    The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade 

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two  kids myself, 
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade 
classroom a few years back. 

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions 
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell 
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish 
they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or 
limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, 
they're welcome. 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, 
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow 
stuffed under her sweater. 

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and 
I'm going to tell you about his birthday' 

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a 
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months 
through an umbrella cord.' 

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to 
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in 

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, 
Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around 
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical 
duck walk and groaning.) 

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a 
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed 
like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he 
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'
(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away.
It was too much!) 

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe' . 
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, 
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it 
was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys 

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. 
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, 
I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along. 

eye candy for the month.....


so each month i'm going to try and post some eye candy for all my lady readers...and male, if that's what you prefer! so here is the month of july...robert buckley who plays on "lipstick jungle." yummy.


Friday, June 27, 2008

i wish i could my parents!

so i'm at my parent's this weekend for a bridal shower honoring my future sister-in-law. i run to the store about 8:00 to get some supplies for said shower. i get home and it's close to 9 p.m. i find my mom, in the middle of putting on make-up, asking if i minded if they went down to "pearl's?" that is their hang-out...they are there all the time. never been but i can't wait to check it out and see the appeal. but never, in my life, did i think i'd see the day, when my mom and dad would decide to go out....AT 9:00 P.M. i mean, i don't even do that...even when i'm not pregnant. if i'm home past 7, you ain't getting me out unless the house is on fire...and even then it would have to be a pretty bad one. the only move i'm making is from the couch to the bed with an occassional stop to pee. where do they get the energy?? i'm 33 and feel 104 most days. by 9:00, i'm lucky to stay awake long enough to watch one of the million things i have recorded, much less, go out and drink. and get dad had already been drinking...SINCE HAPPY HOUR! he took a break at dinner and refueled with some water. before my mom decided she wanted to go out, he was kicked back in the recliner, eyes looking really heavy. i was sure he was about to pass out. but all of a sudden, he got a second win and was up shaving, getting ready to tear it up. is this what happens after you get your kids raised?? do you get a sudden burst of energy at week's end that makes you want to go out and party like teenagers??

all i can say, is good for them. they did their time, paid their dues and they deserve it. i just wish i could bottle of up whatever they got and make myself stay up past 9:30.


a friend sent this to me and i thought i'd share with you...i know, i know..i'm the worst blogger ever...promise i'll make more time to entertain you.

Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud.I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,waiting for thedoctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and beinga little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed bothbreasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

Friday, June 13, 2008

not this time, buddy.....

when i was pregnant with mackenzie~i believe it was september~so i was like, 7 months pregnant~and cory got a trip to pebble beach. i graciously bowed out and decided to let him take one of his younger brothers with him. after all, they were going to be playing a lot of golf and visiting some wineries. let's face it...who wants to go visit a place FULL of great wine when you can't have ANY of it?? so off they went and had a great time. well, fast forward two years later~or to now~and he calls me the other day to tell me that he got another trip back to pebble beach. the conversation went a little something like this:

cory: guess what?

me: what?

cory: looks like i got another trip to pebble beach this year!

me: oh, really. that's good.

cory: and, yeah, you're pregnant...again!

me: so??

cory: well, you don't want to go pregnant, right?

me: uh....yes. i'm going this time. this will probably be the last kid-free vacation we take in a VEEEEEERRRY LOOOOOOONG time. i'm going.

cory: well, i'm going to be playing a lot of golf and getting really drunk....

me: i'm going.

after that, he had the brilliant suggestion that we take mackenzie with us. now, this trip is directly following our trip to mexico~as a family~for my brother's wedding. so after battling mac in mexico for 4 days, i will so be in need of another vacation. let's face it..traveling with toddlers is not exactly a vacation....yes, it's a change of scenery but it's the same work you do day in and day out but it's even harder because you are in a different place without the comforts and conveniences of home. so i shot down that idea real quick...absolutely not!! not happening. i'm not about to be stuck in a hotel room all day with a bored toddler while he's playing golf and sipping wine. no, sir!

and i could kind of sense that he was a little disappointed that i wanted to go....i'm sure he wanted me to bow out again and let a fellow golfer go in my place. HA! not this time! my happy, pregnant ass is going to pebble beach!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

cake, anyone???

my friend, lindsay, sent this to me. she found it while researching cake ideas for her sister's shower. 

tasteless? yes. but funny as hell!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

some words of advise.....

for those of you who do not watch "the bachelerotte" the following will not make a lot of sense. but for those of you who do, i'm sure you'll share my feelings.

to ron: he actually got booted last week. he made the comment afterwards, "deanna did not reject me, she just picked other guys. that's all. i didn't get rejected, she just picked other guys." hey, buddy, grab a dictionary and look up rejection. put any kind of spin on it you want, but you got rejected. dumbass.

to graham: now, he's still in the game but i have a tip for him: when a beautiful woman, who you are fighting several other men for, asks you to kiss her, YOU DO IT! don't give some lame excuse that you don't want to kiss her because you know she's kissing other dudes. YOU ARE A MAN...YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT THAT! so grow a pair and do it.

to robert: he got the boot last night and CRIED in the limo. are you kidding me???? you just met this chic and you are CRYING because she sent you home??? she should have sent your pansy ass home a long time ago.

i have to say, i'm rooting for jason, the single daddy. he's cute, sweet and seems sincere. he does talk about "chemistry" and "having a connection" but i still like him.

for the rest of them...enjoy bachelorhood. you'll be residing there for a loooooong time.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

new favorite show....

mackenzie and i have a new favorite show...jon and kate plus 8. if you've never seen it, you got to check it out. it makes me want to never complain about how hectic my life is again!! mac likes to watch all the kids..she loves it! what amazes me is they have six~yes, six~3 year olds. and they all mind so well...they tell them to do something and they, like, do it. they even have chores...they sweep up crumbs. ok, my two teenagers don't even know where we keep the broom, much less how to use it! i had to show ashlen how to use the phone book about a year ago. yes, the phone book...that big book full of numbers that we always used growing up because we didn't dare call 1411. not when there was a perfectly good phone book you could use. watching this show really makes me think i'm not doing a very good job with mackenzie...i mean, i tell her to clean up something half a dozen times and after she doesn't do it, i do it for her. and i know she knows what clean up means...she knows a whole song about it and she does it at school when the teachers tell her to. and get this...they put all their kids to bed~in their own beds~AND THEY STAY THERE!!!! mackenzie was doing very well in her own bed until about a month ago. since then, she has been sleeping with us. i'm not sure how it all started. but when it did, i was in my first trimester and was absolutely EXHAUSTED and didn't have the energy to do anything about it. and cory is no help...he's wanted her to sleep with us since day one. so she's staying up much later than she should be but not sleeping much later in the morning so come noon, she's a TERROR!! and it's hard to stay on a routine since there's no school. i know, i know..i've created a monster and it's all my fault. i'll just add it to the LONG list of things i said i'd NEVER do with my kids but have done. like, i never understood when i'd hear people say, "oh, we don't take our two year old out to eat." my first thought was always, what??? why don't you make your kids mind?? duh. but now, i understand. it's just much easier not to go unless you have to. she is getting better in public, though. i've taken her to the store a few times recently and she's done really well.
anyway, cory was watching the show with us the other night and he looked over to me and said, "i'm in...let's do it." i told him that if he wants 8 kids, then he needs a few more wives. period.
and today, he had the bright idea that next time~which i'm not convinced that there will be a NEXT time~we should try fertility drugs..just to see what happens.

the scary thing is.....HE'S TOTALLY SERIOUS.  i think he'd be totally ecstatic about having 8-10 kids. 

hey, why not?? it's not his vagina, they're shooting out of.

Friday, June 6, 2008

what a bunch of douchebags....

i'm sitting here watching "the bachelorette" from monday night. i don't know why i keep watching these...they are so ridiculous. but i have to say that these guys are more ridiculous than the girls on "the bachelor." i mean, this one guy is going on and on to her about how he felt all this chemistry the first night they met and now, sitting there with her, he can't feel his finger tips...who talks like that?? first of all, they all talk about this chemistry...guys don't care about chemistry. when a guy meets a girl at a bar or wherever, he goes and tells his buddies about the hot girl with the nice ass and/or rack that he met...not some sort of spark or chemistry he felt when they spoke for the first time. they just don't talk like that! or none i've met anyway. and even ones that do, would NEVER admit it, much less say it on national television. these guy's frineds are so gonna be ragging on them!!  so i can see why all these guys are still single...especially the one with a mullet. come on. i do like the guy with the little boy, jason. he's pretty cute and seems genuine. but he just said chemistry. ugh! i just thought of a good drinking game to play while watching this....every time they say chemistry, take a drink. you'd be drunk in no time.

on a completely different note, i had a doctor's appointment today and she said everything looks great. she did an ultrasound, and while she said not to go buy anything blue just yet, she looked from several different angles and believes we are having a boy! so the playing level around here will now be even...3 girls, 3 boys. blake and cory are pretty excited about that.

now, ellen degeneres is on the show and asking the guys what is the one thing they like most about deanna~the bachelorette~and one guy said that when he's not around her, he has butterflies thinking about her but is totally at ease once he gets around her. 

what??????  excuse me while i go vomit.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

quick update....

blake is wanting to go to his new girlfriend's house today....i am a little hesitant because i've only met her once..our conversation consisted of, "hi, nice to meet you." and that was all me. and i have not met her parents. but blake reassured me i have nothing to worry about....i believe, his exact words were:

"mom, don't worry. she's abstinent. AND she's catholic!"

oh, that's a relief. i was worried for nothing...

i hate to break it to him, but at 14, we all had good intentions of remaining abstinent. and i believe that catholics don't believe in birth control.

again...i could really use a drink.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

what were we thinking?????

we know have a high school graduate, one entering high school, a toddler and will have a newborn in 26 short weeks....hopefully less. i'm sitting here listening to cory, blake and jake~our other "son" for those who don't know~talk about blake's new girlfriend. the new girlfriend that i just found out about 2 days ago. blake does not share things like that with me. that's probably because of a conversation him and i had a few years ago. it went something like this:

blake: (coming out of the bathroom) mom, i'm not your little boy anymore.

me: why do you say that?

blake: because i have hair on my balls.

me: (after the initial shock wore off) ok....i think maybe you should talk about things like that with cory.

blake: ok.

and that was that. he doesn't share anything pertaining to his "dating" life~or whatever you call it~it's not like they can actually go on a date. or anything pertaining to his private parts or hair that may be sprouting on them. i have to hear it from other moms when he has a girlfriend. now, i'm not too freaked out about it because he never brings them around....he stays too busy with all his sports, which is a good thing. i don't want him to get all wrapped up in girls this young. there is plenty of time for that later.....which brings me to my dilema. he will be 15 in september. so when he turns 16, which is usually when the real "dating" starts, i'll have a 4 year old and an almost 1 year old. and that's just the kids still at home. who knows where ashlen will be....out of here if she's smart. the conversations around here will consist of dirty diapers, mother's day outs and me nagging cory to make sure he's talked to blake about the importance of condoms. plus, she'll probably get tired of blake and his buddies begging her to buy them beer..which they probably will and she'll probably do. and yes, him and cory have already had that conversation. cory swears he gave him a box and he knows what to do with them. here's hoping! you may think that 14 is a little young, but trust me, it's not....some of these girls today are more aggressive than the boys. 

but what a stretch....raising babies while sending your other "baby" off into the world of dating and relationships....i'm not ready for this. i'm not ready for his first broken heart...i may have to kill the girl. and i'm not kidding...

i can just see my dad's face as he reads this....huge, huge smile on his face. anytime my kids give me grief,  he sees it as payback for all the hell that i put them through. and i was the good one. ok, ok i got pregnant at 18 but i didn't do drugs and only drank a few times during my four years of high school...that's gotta count for something, right?

so as i go to bed tonight, i'll think about the fact that we were only a few short years away from being done with raising kids and we decided to start all over again. all. over. again. 

i could really use a drink.......

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

another great blog...

this is my friend, shauna glenn. she has her first book coming out soon, heaping spoonful. she also has a monthly column in fort worth magazine, which i got a subscription for just to read it.  you should check her out...she's super witty and super funny.

but don't stop reading mine :)

it's a good day....

i have been in a real funk lately...not sure what it is..the pregnancy, maybe? but i just haven't been motivated to do much of anything lately, blogging included. so i've been waiting and waiting for something to lift my spirits and get me back to my old self again and today....i got it. you see, today, tuesday, june 3, 2008 will now be known as the day that we officially found out that THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT HILLARY CLINTON WILL BE OUR PRESIDENT!!!! atleast not for the next 4 years. hallelujah! as of know, obama only needs 4 more delegates to receive the nomination. if i could drink, i'd have a glass of champagne to celebrate...that's how excited i am about it. 
in other news, i saw "sex and the city" and it was AWESOME! i can not rave about this movie enough!! now, i do think that even if you did not watch the series, you would still enjoy it. but if you watched the series, like myself, you are so connected to these characters and their story lines that you will absolutely love the movie. it is great!! i was at the theater before the doors were even unlocked on friday morning..i bought my tickets online in advance. there were all these groups of woman that had gathered to watch the movie was pretty cool. and then there were a few men there as well. now, i spoke with one who said he was there because he actually liked the show. ok. i can totally accept that. but i could tell a few men were there because they were dragged....kicking and screaming, i'm sure. i do believe that this movie would be better enjoyed watched with your girlfriends...or your mom, who went with me to see it. she has only seen a few epidodes and really enjoyed the movie. my dad made fun of it but little did he know that my sister told my mom that she catches him watching it at night in the living room. cory has even been known to watch a few episodes. but still, go with the girls. 
saw another movie on sunday~i know~i'm partying like a rock star!! you see, to a pregnant woman with a toddler, two movies in one weekend, IS partying like a rock star. i saw "the strangers." now, if you don't like scary movies~which i love~than this is not the movie for you. it was definitely scary because it is totally believable that it could happen. and now that i'm in some what decent shape, i can watch these type of movies and know that i have a fighting chance if someone is chasing me with a knife...see a previous blog for explanation.
so that's all i got right now. hopefully my mood will lighten and i'll be blogging more. i do aim to please.
happy tuesday night!

p.s. oh, and i'm excited about a new show starting on thursday night called "swingtown." it takes place in the 70's and it's about swingers. juicy!