Wednesday, September 24, 2008

quick note...

so clay aiken has annonced that he's gay...

geez, clay, thanks for clearing that up for us....the suspense was brutal.

who is he kidding??????

***NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT***

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

a funny for your tuesday...

my friend, danielle, sent this to me. thanks for the laugh, d!

 Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very 
 faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic 
 on the Bacardi Breezers.
 
 Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped 
 in the cemetery.  One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought 
 she would take off her panties and use them.  Her friend however was 
 wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin 
 them.
 
 She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath 
 with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.  After the 
 girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
 
 The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his 
 normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he 
 phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to 
 stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no 
 panties!!'

 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card 
 stuck to her ass that said.....
 'From all of us at the FireStation. We'll never forget you.''



i'm sooooo ready for a girl's night out!!! one where i can actually drink, that is!


      

Sunday, September 21, 2008

funny...

my mom sent this to me...so true!

UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. 
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with 
duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

Friday, September 12, 2008

maxine....my new mentor

my dad sent this to me today....too good not to share!

Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president.  She was right on with this one...


Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...  
 


Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation. 

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. 

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies. 

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border. 

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ?  Yes! 

Think about this one: 

1. Cows 
2. The Constitution 
3. The Ten Commandments   



C O W S   

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in  Canada   almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.   

T H E    C O N S T I T U T I O N   

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for    Iraq   .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.   

T H E   1 0    C O M M A N D M E N T S   

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: 
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment

Thursday, September 11, 2008

too funny!

video

my friend, marisa, sent this to me. it is so funny! thanks for the laugh, marisa!

enjoy!

i should not be trusted at drive-thrus....

so i made a stupid, stupid mistake today. we were in need of a few groceries...you know, milk, eggs, detergent and with all the coverage on the news about ike, i figured i better get to the store quick before all these things were gone. little dramatic, i know. anyway, mac and i didn't get dressed and out of here until almost 12:30...which is later than i usually get out to run errands. but we were off to heb, not realizing that all i had to eat was a bowl of cereal and two pop tarts. so basically all i had consumed was sugar, sugar and more sugar. apparently everyone is preparing for the hurricane and decided to use their lunch break to stock up on supplies. needless to say, it was much more crowded than it would have normally been that time of day. so while standing in the check out line, i started to feel weird...not pregnancy weird, but low blood sugar, feel like i'm going to pass out weird. i've passed out several times before so i know the symptoms...sweating, feeling weak, heart starts beating fast...so i hurried up and got to my car all the while wondering why in the hell at 7 months pregnant i don't let someone help me to the car with my groceries. i loaded up and then headed to the nearest drive-thru to get soemthing to eat and FAST. there happened to be a jack in the box right down the street. perfect. so i pulled in and fought the urge to run over the two cars in front of me in line. but decided against it....besides, jack in the box is the fastest drive thru, i believe. they really have their shit together. anyhoo, i place my order and that's when things got ugly. i ordered mac's kid's meal and proceeded to order myself enough food for 3 grown men and a midget. sorry. i mean little person. i ordered a number 5 combo...which is an ultimate cheeseburger, curly fries and a large ice tea, two tacos and an order of 3 egg rolls. holy shit. that's all i can say. i dove into that bag so fast you'd think i hadn't eaten in weeks. i won't even tell you how much of it i ate but i probably gained the whole 11 pounds that i should have gained during my ENTIRE third trimester. now, of course, i feel miserable and mackenzie doesn't seem to want to nap today. perfect. maybe my body is preparing for the hurricane. in case i'm confined to my house for several weeks and we run out of food, i'm good. i'm like an animal getting ready to hibernate. wait..do animals eat a bunch before they hibernate?? for the sake of my argument, i'm going to say yes, they do.
on another note, i'm really tired of hearing about sarah palin. they are acting like she's the only woman to ever raise 5 kids and work full time. there's something fishy about her...i can't put my finger on it yet but mark my word. personally, i don't trust anyone who goes back to work 3 days after having a baby. that's just not right...unless you are an indian woman, which according to my husband, are capable to anything. they would give birth, go out in the fields and work and then come back and breast feed the whole tribe. well, the babies anyway. and to that, i say, good for them. to my husband, i say, too bad you didn't marry an indian woman....
he seems to know an awful lot about them....maybe he's read books, or watched a documentary. not quite sure...maybe i should give myself an indian name and he'll look at me in a totally different light. i could call myself "walks with waddle" or maybe "sitting blob." anyone have any suggestions??
well, i've got to go pee. shocker.

happy thursday!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

mac's first day of school



she did soooo great...just waltzed in there like she'd been doing it for years! the teacher said she did well except for when story time came around. apparently, playing with the dollhouse was much more appealing to her than listening to a story. but the teacher talked to her and then she was fine.
well, i'm officially 28 weeks along and officially absolutely miserable...i look at my expanding belly and wonder how in the world i've got 12 weeks to go. where is it going to go?? the weight, i mean. my stomach already looks like i'm about to give birth. my ass is slowly but surely losing it's battle with my underwear. i choose to believe that my underwear is shrinking rather than my ass is growing....it seems to work with my husband and his pants. he tries to convince me that his pants are shrinking...not that his waistline is expanding. i am seriously contemplating writing a book titled "pregnancy absolutely, 100% sucks....all the things they don't tell you." there might be one already out there...need to research that one. i can never get comfortable. and when by chance i do find myself somewhat in a comfortable state, then i have to get up and pee. i read the other day that you usually gain about 11 pounds in the third trimester and i feel like making it my life's mission to gain much more just for spite. out of spite for who or what, i have no clue. just because i can.
and as if i'm not busy enough around here, my darling husband decides to bring home another dog. we are know the proud owners~or he is the proud owner~of a black lab named tank. he, of course, is a hunting dog. i mean, he totally needs a dog for the one month out of the twelve he goes and hunts birds, right?? oh. and it gets EVEN better...apparently there was an incident with the golf cart and the dog~which i wasn't made aware of until the next day when it was obvious the dog was injured and needed medical attention IMMEDIATELY. and, of course, this was saturday and cory just absolutely could not leave work. so who was left to clean up this mess??? me and the boys~and mackenzie~had to load this dog up and take him to the emergency animal hospital where he spent two nights being watched over and having his bandage changed. i asked if they had room for me to bunk with him but it was a no go. i figured, no kids, no husband for two nights in a place full of animal tranquilizers might not be so bad. oh! and all of this was right in the middle of what should have been mackenzie's nap. hell of a saturday....
but it gets even better...he HAD to be picked up by 7 am monday morning and wouldn't you know, mackenzie woke up at 5 and didn't go back to sleep. so there we were..me, half awake, and her in her pj's and crocs, going to get the dog at 6 am. then, i had to rush home and get the boys and have them at football practice. where was cory, you ask?? sleeping. sleeping like a freakin' baby. i was silently cursing him and plotting my revenge the whole time. but the fun doesn't end there. i had to take him to our vet yesterday to have his bandage changed and found out that the people who sold him to cory, had not given him any vaccines since he was 9 weeks old. HE IS NOW 14 MONTHS OLD. so they basically treated him like he had never been vaccinated. so we were there much longer than we should have been. and we have to go back EVERY day this week to have the bandage changed. i had realized that morning after i picked him up that the emergency clinic had not given me his meds. they close at 7 am and do not reopen until 6:30 p.m. so i had to drive all the way back over there and pick them up yesterday evening. of course, when i got there, they had already put them back up and had to fill them again. seriously?? all this for a dog i didn't even want....
but don't you worry...somewhere there is a shiny, new gucci handbag with my name on it and it will be mine very, very soon....that i can promise you.