Friday, September 21, 2007

keep your nakedness at home!

so, i was at the gym today~yes, for all you skeptics out there, i'm still going strong~and saw something rather disturbing. there is a woman who is pushing 70 easily, maybe even in her 70's and i've seen her a few times and always in the locker room. she is very skinny and her body is well, a body that a woman that age would have...think your grandma. unless your grandma is some sort of fitness guru whose body doesn't match her age. anyway, did i mention that everytime i've seen this woman, SHE IS NAKED!! COMPLETELY NAKED!! now before i continue, i'll tell you this~i wasn't brought up in a "naked" house (old sex in the city reference!) everyone was very discreet with their nakedness~meaning, we were naked behind closed doors. we weren't taught to be embarassed or ashamed of our bodies but we weren't taught to flaunt it wide open through the living room either. even to this day, i am so not a naked kind of person~i don't like to see my own self naked (much to my husband's chagrin) much less anyone else. it just makes me uncomfortable. i nursed mackenzie for almost 8 months and the only 2 people on earth to see my do this uncovered was my husband and my mom. unless someone was sneaking a peek that i don't know about! and to that i say...gross. i know that being in a locker room at a gym, you run the chance of seeing a naked person(s). but this was beyond anything i could have prepared for. first, her boobs are like~as my lovely friend melissa describes them~beaver tails. i had never heard that comparison before and about pissed my pants the first time she ever said it! and she gets completely nude~not a stictch of clothes. when she does finally put on a shirt, that's where it stops. she literally sits on the bench~NO UNDERWEAR~so there is nothing between her vajay-jay (and what may be seeping out if it!) and the bench. there she sits with just a t-shirt on, putting on the ugliest blue eyeshadow you have ever seen that just so happens to go with the hideous blue/turquoise/glittery polish she has on her nails and toes. i'd like to say that i admire the fact that she lets it all hang out and doesn't give two shits on who sees it, but truth is, I DON'T!!
but despite the horror i witnessed beforehand, i still had a great workout. i went 2.5 miles on the treadmill. it felt great. and when i choose which treadmill i'm going to get on, it's not a random-which-ever-is-available-type thing. oh, no. i look for the one that is sandwiched between a very fit, chic with a smokin' body (bitch) and a woman is much heavier than me (god love her). that way i can look over one shoulder and be like, ahh, that's why i'm working so i can look like that. then, look over the other shoulder and be like, ahh, that's why i'm working so hard......cuz i don't wanna look like that! and i mean i'm talking about a woman that weighs about 250. not that there is anything wrong with that.....don't want to offend anyone. yeah, right. i'm so not politcally correct...a favorite trait that i can proudly say i inherited from my father!
oh! exciting news! a few weeks ago, i e-mailed someone at austin monthly magazine about turning my blog into a column. they forwarded it to the editor and she replied this week. she said that while they are not looking for new columnists right now, she loved my blog~thought i had a super fun style~and would definately keep me in mind. i think i'll try a few other publications and i'm looking for suggestions! keep your fingers crossed!!
gotta go~it's wine time! have a great weekend!!

**coming soon~things that i'm addicted to!***

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

skinny bitch=crazy bitch

oh, ladies...grab you a drink, get comfortable because this is going to be a doozy. first of all, i apologize for being lazy with my blog. i know you anxiously wait for me to post new, insane stories ripped straight from my crazy life...and i'm sorry i haven't been giving you your daily fix. i'll try and do better. so, i just got done reading the book "skinny bitch." now when i first heard about this book, i thought it would be about getting skinny, being fit and you know since i'm on this workout frenzy right now, i thought, why not? i'm sure there will some great tips in there. and i also read that victoria beckham was seen with a copy and we all know she has a rockin' body. this is a book like no other i've ever read. these two women..who refer to themselves as not just bitches but skinny bitches...are so freakin' full of themselves. first, they talk about how if you eat meat or dairy you will never, ever be skinny!!!!! what???????? are they serious. of course, they are vegans...which means they eat no meat or animal products. so no dairy...milk, cheese,eggs...all a big no-no. they go into this tyrade about the meat industry and the horror of the slaughterhouses and yada yada yada. they have some valid when they talk about all the steriods and growth hormones they pump into cattle...when you consume the meat or milk from that cattle you are ingesting everything they are. but seriously, to say that you will never be skinny if you eat meat or dairy?? i beg to differ, bitches. i've been skinny before and i damn sure eat meat and dairy. nothing is better than a big, fat juicy steak...and cheese....who can live without cheese??? they tell you all these meat and dairy substitutes are out there but i'm sure they taste like total ass...fake cheese??? i hate to think what that is made from. and i know why these women are bitches....THEY ARE FREAKIN' HUNGRY!! all they eat are fake meat and fake cheese. they talk about all these great vegan cookies....might as well munch on a piece of cardboard. i shouldn't say that...i haven't tried them. but come on! cookies made without eggs!! how good can they be? no wonder victoria beckham never smiles.......SHE'S FREAKIN' STARVING!! so i went to the grocery store today and found myself looking at the ingredients of everything! which i guess isn't a bad thing..i know my diet could be better but i was borderline obsessive today. finally, i said screw it...these chics have gotten in my head. i know you can eat meat and dairy and still be i right? and if not then skinny i won't be..cause i'm not giving them up. period.
i want these chics to go on oprah preaching this crap...can you imagine. cause you know oprah can throw down some meat and dairy! this has given me even more motivation to keep working out. in fact, when i reach my target, i'm going to take a picture of myself in a tub filled with red meat and a big ol' glass of milk....and i'm going to send it to those skinny bitches. and show them that even us card-carrying, meat-eating, dairy-having bitches can be skinny, too.
no, i won't do that...that's a waste of perfectly good meat.
the book is worth reading, though. it's very blunt, to the point. it's like no other book i've ever read.
gotta go....i'm feeling like a piece of cheese..

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

good news, bad news.........

well, mona has left the building. for those of you who didn't read my last blog (shame on you!) mona was the name i gave my yeast infection. actually she was just the cute character from the monistat website but anyway. yes, i am yeast free. well i think you always have some yeast, but i can no longer bake bread in my underwear.....sorry about that one..that was bad......even for me! so if you haven't figured it out, that's my good news. oh and mac starts mother's day out tomorrow~and i've added fridays, too. so now she will be going three days a week. thank you, jesus.
so now for the bad. mackenzie can officially get out of her crib. i watched her with my own eyes, flip over the top, land on her back and get right back up. never skipped a beat. i'm not dealing with a normal human being here. she is unbreakable, unstoppable and out of control!!! so we turned her crib into a daybed yesterday and last night when i put her to bed, of course, she got right back up and was banging on the door, screaming. after awhile when she realized she wasn't going to break free, she climbed back in bed and went to sleep. ahhh..this wasn't so bad. now i knew naptime would be worse because in the daylight she could see her toys. so today at naptime, i laid down with her until she feel asleep...i know...not a habit i wanted to get into but i needed her to sleep so i could take a freakin' bath. so we get ready to go to bed tonight and i did the same thing as last night......put her down and shut the doors to her room. she screamed and started banging on the door.....WITH HER HEAD!!!! as i was standing there listening, i thought to myself, that pounding sounds a little too hard to be just her hand. well, it was her freakin' head. she know has knots all along her forehead and bruises. so i've got to take her to mother's day out tomorrow looking like she's been in a boxing match. i hope they don't call cps thinking she's been beaten.
so i just ordered a crib tent online. i'm going to put the front rail back on that damn bed and tent it up! i can't have her beating her head on the wall every night when i put her to bed.....she'll go crazy. and there's only room for one crazy in this house and i've got it covered!
oh, and it gets better......SHE'S STILL AWAKE!! we've tried everything. cory and i both got in the bed with her (at separate times of is a crib mattress we are talking about) and cory put her in bed with him..again, two habits i don't want to start but we are desparate. i finally have her calm and in her own bed but with the tv on.........i can hear you all know...........what??? letting your toddler watch tv at 11:47 at night. hey it's better than her giving herself freakin' brain damage! the tent should be here in a few days.
so i'm welcoming any advice anyone has for this particular situation. especailly if it involves me drinking lots of wine and starting earlier in the day. women who stay home with toddlers shouldn't have to wait until 5:00 to drink. it's cruel. i'm going to come up with "the stay at home mom's official happy hour time." it's bad enough we don't get to go to a "real" happy hour so i say we start drinking at 2:00ish. yeah, that sounds good!
well, i guess i should go finish my glass of wine that i poured at 7:00 and never finished. cheers.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

big bag of m&m's with a side of monistat, please....

warning to male readers: if the above title didn't already deter you from reading any further, let me warn you: the following information may be disturbing. there will be talk of vaginal discharge and it ain't pretty. if you choose to continue reading, just remember, you have been warned!
oh, this is a real doozy. i have my first yeast infection. i didn't discover said yeast infection until about midnight tonight. feeling very uncomfortable, i decided to go to walgreens and get some monistat. i've seen the commercials, those women look satisfied with the results, i'll give it a try. oh and for those who don't know..everything they say about cottage cheese and yeast's true. moving on. of all the things that happened to be playing on the radio while i'm on the way to find vaginal relief: jay-z's "big pimpin' spending cheese." i shit you not! i realize that in the song, cheese is slang for money, but still. you must see the irony. all i needed to hear was "cat scratch fever" and the night would be complete. so as i'm pulling into the walgreens, i'm wondering what type of people are at walgreens at 1 am on an early wednesday morning (or late tuesday night, however you choose to look at it)? some interesting ones, let me tell ya! an old, worn looking biker chic (probably in her sixties) came in with not one, but two old, worn looking biker dudes. they were browsing the lotion and skin care aisle. not sure what they ended up purchasing. anyhoo, i find the monistat and decide to go with the combo pack~who knew? not only can you get a fast food meal in a combo but yeast infection medicine as well. i also went with some AZO tablets~some natural way to help cure and prevent yeast infections. appearantly these are a pretty common problem for women. i guess you are wondering where the m&m's come in to the story. well, i have a huge addiction to peanut butter m&m's. i used to always get a medium bag everytime i went to the store. now i say medium because that is what it says on the bag...but don't let that fool's a big bag. i usually take several days to a week to eat this bag..witht he help of my toddler (who has appearantly inherited my sweet tooth!) and my husband. now since i have been working out and trying to eat better, i haven't been buying these. but you know what? screw's my yeast infection pity party and i'll eat m&m's if i want to.
so i head up to the counter with my purchases and they guy checking me out (of course, it had to be a guy!) is talking to the guy behind me (yes, i was surrounded by them) about his allergies. give me a break, dude. you want to whine about some post nasal drip while i have an itchy crotch??
so i get home and take out my monistat combo pack. it comes with a syringe looking applicator with a huge egg-shaped capsule that you are supposed to shoot into your vagina. i had to laugh because in big bold letters on the front of the package it says, "do not take by mouth." you know they put that on there because some moron shot that thing down their throat! if that was any of's still funny. i also recieved some cool wipes and vaginal cream with my combo pack.
so i head into the toilet area with my arsenal of vaginal products determined to kick this thing in the ass when two things came to mind. (1) is this eve's fault as well? do i have that forbidden fruit-eating slut to thank for this? don't think i won't be looking for her in the afterlife...i'm going to find her and kick her ass!!
(2) maybe freud was on to something with his whole "penis envy" theory. i mean, having a penis has got to be better than putting up with this whole mess!
so after i was done, i climbed into bed because it is now almoswt 2 am. great. and i have to meet my trainer at 9:00. not only will i be suffering from massive twat itching but i'll have sleep deprivation as well. it's going to be a fun workout. between the roaring of thunder outside and the thunderous roar that is my husband's snoaring~oh and don't forget that my crotch feels like it is on fire~i can't sleep. so i decided to come out here and share my experience with all of you. how lucky you are!
i'm going to try and sleep now. my vagina is feeling some relief now.
oh! i did go to my aerobics class today and it was awesome! i really love the class and the instructor~i think i'll make it a permanent tuesday thing!
i'm too tired to do spell check so sorry for any mispelled words. cut me some slack. i've got a yeast infection for christ's sake!
***that cutey patootey at the top is from the monistat website. i shall call her mona and she will be my monistat friend.***

Monday, September 3, 2007

these kids today.....

so i was at the mall the other day (shocker!) and i noticed something rather disturbing. what is up with the kids today being so freakin' rude to their parents?? i mean, some of the things i hear them say to their mother's, they should be beaten. i know i would have been! my parents weren't much for public discipline but my dad could give a look that would burn a hole through ya! you know the one~the eyes get big, they shake their head slightly. and you know what they are thinking..."when we get out of here you are in so much trouble!" and then your day is ruined! no matter how much fun you were having, it's all over now because all you can think about is the ass whipping you are going to get later! the kids have no respect! i mean, i wasn't an angel by any means but i'd like to think i'm not as bad as some of these kids!! some of them are total a-holes!! even blake noticed it~and he supposed to be one of those disrespectful teens! and what is with all the rude ass people out there that watch as a woman is trying to get through a door, with a stroller, no less, and doesn't hold the door??? i don't know how many times i've been struggling with the door trying to push my stroller through, hold my purse, diaper bag and god knows what else while some ass walks right past me!! i guess i'm just used to my dad who is straight up old school~holds the door for ladies, opens the car door and even tips his hat to women! i've seen him actually take his hat off when meeting a woman for the first time! they just don't make them like that anymore! but i can promise you that my son will atleast open the door for a woman with a stroller! he better atleast~i'd hate to have to beat him. he's pretty big~i think he could take me.
mac is feeling much better and i'm so anxious to get back to the gym tomorrow. i did walk about 2 miles this morning with my mom so that felt good. i'm not sore anymore so that's good.
have a great week!