Tuesday, September 4, 2007

big bag of m&m's with a side of monistat, please....

warning to male readers: if the above title didn't already deter you from reading any further, let me warn you: the following information may be disturbing. there will be talk of vaginal discharge and it ain't pretty. if you choose to continue reading, just remember, you have been warned!
oh, this is a real doozy. i have my first yeast infection. i didn't discover said yeast infection until about midnight tonight. feeling very uncomfortable, i decided to go to walgreens and get some monistat. i've seen the commercials, those women look satisfied with the results, i'll give it a try. oh and for those who don't know..everything they say about cottage cheese and yeast infections...it's true. moving on. of all the things that happened to be playing on the radio while i'm on the way to find vaginal relief: jay-z's "big pimpin' spending cheese." i shit you not! i realize that in the song, cheese is slang for money, but still. you must see the irony. all i needed to hear was "cat scratch fever" and the night would be complete. so as i'm pulling into the walgreens, i'm wondering what type of people are at walgreens at 1 am on an early wednesday morning (or late tuesday night, however you choose to look at it)? some interesting ones, let me tell ya! an old, worn looking biker chic (probably in her sixties) came in with not one, but two old, worn looking biker dudes. they were browsing the lotion and skin care aisle. not sure what they ended up purchasing. anyhoo, i find the monistat and decide to go with the combo pack~who knew? not only can you get a fast food meal in a combo but yeast infection medicine as well. i also went with some AZO tablets~some natural way to help cure and prevent yeast infections. appearantly these are a pretty common problem for women. i guess you are wondering where the m&m's come in to the story. well, i have a huge addiction to peanut butter m&m's. i used to always get a medium bag everytime i went to the store. now i say medium because that is what it says on the bag...but don't let that fool you...it's a big bag. i usually take several days to a week to eat this bag..witht he help of my toddler (who has appearantly inherited my sweet tooth!) and my husband. now since i have been working out and trying to eat better, i haven't been buying these. but you know what? screw it.....it's my yeast infection pity party and i'll eat m&m's if i want to.
so i head up to the counter with my purchases and they guy checking me out (of course, it had to be a guy!) is talking to the guy behind me (yes, i was surrounded by them) about his allergies. give me a break, dude. you want to whine about some post nasal drip while i have an itchy crotch??
so i get home and take out my monistat combo pack. it comes with a syringe looking applicator with a huge egg-shaped capsule that you are supposed to shoot into your vagina. i had to laugh because in big bold letters on the front of the package it says, "do not take by mouth." you know they put that on there because some moron shot that thing down their throat! if that was any of you...well...it's still funny. i also recieved some cool wipes and vaginal cream with my combo pack.
so i head into the toilet area with my arsenal of vaginal products determined to kick this thing in the ass when two things came to mind. (1) is this eve's fault as well? do i have that forbidden fruit-eating slut to thank for this? don't think i won't be looking for her in the afterlife...i'm going to find her and kick her ass!!
(2) maybe freud was on to something with his whole "penis envy" theory. i mean, having a penis has got to be better than putting up with this whole mess!
so after i was done, i climbed into bed because it is now almoswt 2 am. great. and i have to meet my trainer at 9:00. not only will i be suffering from massive twat itching but i'll have sleep deprivation as well. it's going to be a fun workout. between the roaring of thunder outside and the thunderous roar that is my husband's snoaring~oh and don't forget that my crotch feels like it is on fire~i can't sleep. so i decided to come out here and share my experience with all of you. how lucky you are!
i'm going to try and sleep now. my vagina is feeling some relief now.
oh! i did go to my aerobics class today and it was awesome! i really love the class and the instructor~i think i'll make it a permanent tuesday thing!
i'm too tired to do spell check so sorry for any mispelled words. cut me some slack. i've got a yeast infection for christ's sake!
***that cutey patootey at the top is from the monistat website. i shall call her mona and she will be my monistat friend.***


The Nowell's said...

Ok - there is so much to comment on in this post.
1. I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with a Y.I. I hope it is better soon! You might need to cut back on the bedroom activities - haha!
2. I didn't even know Walgreens was open that late - which is good to know - and to know what kind of people are there at that hour.
3. Peanut Butter M&M's are awesome! If you have them in your house - please don't tell me where they are!
4. Love the comment of "moron shot that thing down their throat." Just think of how many other things should have that on their labels!
5. I hope you had a good work out today with the trainer. How are you feeling? I am sorry I missed the class on Tuesday (I was really bummed). P did not wake until 9:45 that morning. I really like that class a lot too!
6. I think the nick name Fire Crotch fits perfectly here.

Hope to see you guys soon!

Lindsay G said...

oh man, i really hope your crotch stops itching. that's a bitch.

i'm thinking too much sweat down there, or like D said, too much going on in the bedroom, or should i say couch?!

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