these never get old....

FYI: getting to second base with the sales girl will NOT get you a discount

so you know those days where everything seems to go your way...sun is shining, birds are singing, you hit all the green lights, etc..well, this was NOT one of THOSE days. this was the exact opposite of one of those days...in fact, this day would be THAT day's ugly stepsister...you know the mean, ugly one that nobody likes. yeah. THAT one. it all actually started the night before or monday evening around 6:39...okay, i don't know for sure that it was 6:39 but for dramatic effect, let's go with it. i spilled a glass of wine on my laptop. now, any other time, i would be crying over spilled wine and if it would have spilled on anything else, that would have been the case this particular time. but this was my laptop...my LAPTOP...my means of escaping to the world of TMZ, perez hilton, reading the adventures of my favorite bloggers and FACEBOOK!!!! OMG...what did we do before facebook?? i shutter to think of such a time...i quickly dumped off the excess liquid, just praying that it hadn't gotten any further than the surface. after drying it off, everything seemed to be ok...WHEW! crisis everted.

or so i thought.....

so a few hours later, i settled in to check one last time before going to bed, what was happening with tiger woods and the "alleged" beating of his ass by his wife~which by the way..LOVE it...i mean, being chased with a golf club?? talk about the irony..
that's when my laptop startd going all "exorcist" on me...screen was blinking on and off, i'd try to click on something and it would take me somewhere totally different, and the delete key wasn't working. or the A. or ENTER. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the next few minutes were like a scene from "grey's anatomy"....i was like a doctor trying to save my dying patient...i was wishing for some of those paddles to i could, i don't know, shock it or something. that always seems to work. so after several attempts to gain control of the situation, i decided to shut it down for the night...hopefully, it was just a little pissed off and after sleeping it off, it would be fine in the morning...

so i woke up early the next morning to go workout and i had to check out the situation before leaving for the gym. no change. i immediately went to the apple website on my phone to schedule an appointment at the genius bar ASAP. i got one for 10:15.
i dropped mac off at school and layton and i headed to see if a "genius" could bring my baby back to life. long story short, the repairs would be over $1000 and i would be better off buying a new one. soooo not what i wanted to hear. i packed my laptop back up and left the store feeling defeated...very defeated. i immediately started thinking what kind and how many sexual favors it was going to take to score me a new laptop...hmmmmmm...

next stop, getting fitted for new bras. it had been a while since i had been measured and bought some new ones so i figured maybe that would cheer me up. after telling the sales girl that i needed to be measured she ushers me in to the dressing room. now if memory serves me correctly, the last time i had been measured, the girl did it over my shirt. this one instructed me to remove my shirt. oooookkkkkkk....so i did. she did her thing and her measurements confirmed that i was still a 34B. alrighty then. she then went to grab some for me to try on. she quickly returns and started telling me a little about each one...yada, yada, yada. she hands me one and says "let's try this one on first." i paused and waited for her to, i don't know, LEAVE THE ROOM. it didn't take me too long to realize she wasn't going ANYWHERE. we were headed in to this thing TOGETHER. this girl took customer "service" to a whole new level. she told me to face the mirrors with my back to her and put my arms out in front of me. she slipped the bra through my arms and then told me to bend over...yes, you heard me, BEND OVER...and, i quote, "get everything all in." what?? what's "everything?" it's not like i'm wrestling a couple of double d's here. but i did as i was told. she hooked me up and started doing her thang...checking the fit, adjusting the straps. and that's when she said what NO woman wants to hear: "i think you need to go DOWN a cup size." i mean, honestly, i had been thinking for some time that i could probably wear an A cup, but i never, ever said it out loud. heaven forbid! but now it was CONFIRMED. i. have. no. boobs. none. zero. zilch. nada. she then retreats to go find me my "new" size. yippee. comes back to tell me that one of the ones i had chosen didn't come in that small of a size. well this day just keeps getting better and better. just point me to the training bras, lady....

and just when i thought my day couldn't get any worse, it did. a lot of you know that once you've had a few kids, your bladder is never the same. used to, if i felt i needed to go to the bathroom, i could hold off if need be...no biggie. uh...not anymore. i was unloading the car when i felt the urge to pee. then i REALLY felt the urge. i quickly put layton down and what started out to be a jog turned in to a sprint to the bathroom. if you guessed that i didn't make it and pissed my pants, you'd be correct. not a full on, need a diaper kind of thing but enough i had to change my pants. un-freaking-believable. someone just shoot me now. or give me a glass of wine. or four.

now, you are probably asking yourself, why on earth would she put this out there for everyone to see?? i'll tell you why. because i'm a giver. that's would i do. i give and give and give. and if i can give you an embarassing story that makes you feel better about something REALLY embarrasing that's happened to you, then great. because that's just the kind of person i am. and it is the season for giving. so there...don't say i never gave you anything.

now, PLEASE, i beg you, return the favor and leave me something embarassing about YOU in the comments section. it'll be fun. fun. fun. fun.

and now i must leave you for some "grey's anatomy" and a glass of wine.

and be very thankful that i married an "ass" man.......

atleast that's what he TOLD me....

hmmmmmm...........

i'm thankful for a lot of useless information...that i have found to be WAY useful....

so this is the time of year to share all the things you are thankful for...and you usually hear the same things from everyone...family, health, friends, yada, yada, yada...and don't get me wrong...i'm WAY thankful for all of those things, too. however, i'd like to lighten the mood a little and share with you some tidbits on a variation of subjects...things that i've learned over the past 35 years. do what you will with the following information...

*you never, EVER get used to the thought of your parental units having sex. i have two siblings, therefore, i believe that my parents have had sex THREE times and THREE times only. period. end of discussion.

*you should never, EVER say the following to anyone at anytime: "oh...my kid will NEVER do (insert whatever here)" i guarantee as soon as you utter those words, your child will either be doing it, about to do it, or has been doing it for awhile. and the ONE person that you don't want to know/see it, will be the only eye witness. trust me.

*i'm pretty sure that if i'm being graded as a parent, i'm failing. i don't think it's a good sign when your soon to be four year old has a bag packed because she's planning on moving out...with her boyfriend.

*there's nothing the day can throw at me that a glass of pinot grigio can't make better

*you will never feel anger like you will when someone hurts your child. they say that you should not hold grudges..it's not healthy. well, hurt my kids and i will NEVER forgive...and i will definately NEVER forget. i'm a firm believer of karma and you will get yours in the end. i'm counting on it...

*i think when people marry their cousins, it's just gross. REALLY gross.

*when your husband surprises you with a nice dinner out, he wants something. and he will try to collect as soon as possible. like in the car. on the way home.

*NEVER purchase one of those sexual coupon books at spencer's thinking it's just a cute stocking stuffer for your husband. he will take them seriously. VERY seriously. and expect to use them. and you will be expected to do it. whatever "it" may be. and no matter how much they are "misplaced" they will always show back up. ALWAYS. if you take to heart any of these things LET IT BE THIS ONE.

*there is always someone that will judge you and the choices you've made. SCREW 'EM. it's that simple.

*it doesn't matter that i know how wrong it is or how many times i've seen it, i will always watch the youtube video of the little person shooting a shotgun and laugh when it knocks him on his ass. EVERY time.

and last but certainly not least...

everytime you think you've got it so bad, just remember, there's someone, somewhere that has it much worse than you do. because they've just walked in on their parents having sex.

happy turkey day! and be thankful for the little things....

the doctors fixed his heart....so he could steal mine...

today is my baby layton's first birthday...and what a year it's been. if your new around here, you may not know that layton was born with a heart condition that required surgery a week after he was born. it was a very emotional and stressful time for all of us...i totally took for granted having 3 healthy children....and the feeling of leaving the hospital with your new baby. it was gut wrenching to drive away without him with me. i don't wish that feeling on anyone...and there's a few people i really don't like.

i was going to write a long post explaining the whole day that layton was born, the months leading up to it when we found out there was a problem, and the LONG days before, during and after his surgery. but now that i'm on here, i just want to post some pictures to let you know where he was and where he is now.

i'm posting a video that was taken after the breathing tube was removed after surgery...i'm pretty sure he's trying to tell us to get him out of the f'ing hospital. the pictures were taken yesterday at the park where we met with friends to celebrate layton's birthday.

thank you to everyone that has been a part of this journey with us....and happy birthday to my sweet, sweet baby boy.

blake's game

this is a small clip from the game last night...it was an AWESOME game!!! blake is at the 1:50 mark...

i knew there was a reason i loved nancy grace....

blake's game

here is a video clip from the game last night...final score vista ridge 63 georgetown 41. blake had an awesome game...go rangers!

best. commercial. EVER......

okay, okay...i promise, i'll post something of my own soon! but i just saw this commercial and it's sooooo funny! enjoy!

a funny for your monday....

most of you have probably seen this because it's been posted on facebook several times. but it is soooo funny!

this makes my vagina hurt.....

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

HOW on earth were THESE guys single???

if you watched "ellen" today then you have already seen this....HUH-larious!

these definately aren't your mom's cartoons....

with two little ones in the house, we watch a lot of kid's shows. our t.v. goes back and forth between nickelodeon, noggin and the disney channel ALL day long. and one thing i've noticed is that cartoons are definately not what they used to be. anyone remember the smurfs? i LOVED me some smurfs on saturday morning. it never occured to me to find it strange that there was all those male smurfs and just one smurfette. or how come gargimel was always torturing the poor smurfs relentlessly despite the fact that there was only of him and a million and one smurfs. and why were they blue?? anyhoo, back to the cartoons of today. after watching so many of these, i've drawn my own conclusions about some things...consider this a kind of "true hollywood story" on the world of kid's televesion entertainment.

dora the explorer~now, this chic has it figured out...she has learned that all a gal needs is to surround herself with a great group of friends, a token "gay"~you did know that tico, the squirrel is gay, right?? no straight man, i mean, squirrel, could pull off that vest...come on~and a stylish, functional bag can get you through anything life throws at you. her bff, boots, well, the jury is still out on his sexual preference...after all, he does wear red ugg boots...i'm just sayin'

max and ruby~i truly don't understand the appeal of this one. but mackenzie absolutely flips her shit when it's on and i hear that a lot of her friends are the same way. first off, where are these kids parents??? seriously? they live all alone? and what's up with the grandma who pops in every now and then, i guess to make sure they are still alive? is it just me, or does she seem drunk most of the time?? and ruby is such a little beotch...she never lets max speak and never lets him play with his own shit...her and louise are always trying to make him play dress-up or pretend he's a baby. i'm waiting for max to grow a pair and tell his bossy sister to back the f' off. now that's an episode i don't want to miss.

yo gabba gabba~three letters pretty much sums this one up: LSD...whoever came up with that one has taken a lot of it.

sesame street~this one has been around for a LONG time and i've heard a lot of theories out there about how the characters are developed to teach the children about diversity. for example, i've heard that oscar, the grouch, is a homeless person. well, duh. he lives in a trashcan, people. burt and ernie? totally a gay couple. not that there's anything wrong with that. the count? totally a major case of OCD. all that counting and the numbers!! it's madness! cookie monster? obviously suffering from an eating disorder. big bird? schizophrenic...NO one else can see snuffy??? totally makes sense, doesn't it??

spongebob squarepants~this is a fave in our house right now. mac wants to watch it all the time. i have to say, i don't get this one. i mean, WHAT is he exactly? and is it just me or does squidward look and act like a major drunk?

we've come a long way since bugs bunny...

and the "douchey" goes to....

wikipedia defines a douche bag as a piece of equipment for douching-a bag for holding the fluid used in douching. HOWEVER, for the sake of this post, douche bag is defined as a man that is a complete idiot, tool, moron, asshole....you get the picture. their should be an awards show that hands out awards~the douchey~to these ass clowns. i've compiled a list of some who's douchey meters were off the charts here recently. and the nominees are:

south carolina governor mark sanford~now many of you may not know this douche bag. he's the south carolina governor who was having an affair with a woman in argentina. now that alone, is pretty douchey, but infidelity seems to be a pre-requisite for a life in politics. but this dumb ass, had the audacity, to explain that he had met his soul mate~the mistress~but was going to try to fall back in love with his wife. now if that didn't make his wife feel all warm and fuzzy inside i don't know what would. if i were his wife, he would have come home to all his shit on the front law...and a one-way ticket to argentina.

congressman joe wilson~this tool actually called the president of the united states a liar~in the middle of his speech. i mean, that's pre-school 101...you don't interrupt the teacher when they are talking. he should have raised his hand like a good little congressman and waited until he was called on to speak. i feel the punishment should fit the crime...he should have had to sit in the corner and think about what he did.

joe jackson~just a few days after losing his son~it may have been the very next day~mr. father of the year was seen at an awards show, plugging upcoming artist on his record label. now, this really shouldn't be much of a shock...he's not exactly know for his outstanding parenting abilities. but COME ON!

kanye west~his latest tirade at the VMAs really shouldn't shock anyone. this long-time douche bag has been known to say some of the most ridiculous things. a few examples:

"george bush doesn't care about black people."

"If I don`t win Album of the Year, I`m gonna have a problem with that... I said I was the face of the Grammys last year. [This year] I`m 10 times that!"

"i realize that my place and position in history is that i will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade."

poor, poor kanye....he should really see someone about that self-esteem problem.

and last but definitely NOT least........

jon gosselin~now, when i first started watching "jon and kate plus 8" i admit that kate seemed pretty bitchy...she was kind of bossy and was a tad bit OCD...but after watching, you realize that she kind of has to be..she's raising 8 kids! and her husband didn't seem to get much of a fire under his ass about anything. still, when they divorced, you expected him to be his usual boring, woe-is-me, self but he has turned into DOUCHE BAG EXTRAORDINAIRE! with those earrings and wearing all that ed hardy crap?? running around with all these different women..announcing on television~that his kids will see someday~that he despises their mother?! say what you want about kate...everyone is dogging her for making all these appearances and trying to make a living...well, yeah, she's a single mom of 8. she's gotta make a living somehow. i say go "team kate" with your reverse, spikey mullet hair-do.

and their you have it...these are the douche bags of the moment..

who would YOU add to the list???

are you there, oprah???

for those of you that aren't on "crackbook" i had a very exciting afternoon today! i received an email from someone with the "oprah" show who found my blog through google while doing research for an upcoming show. uh, i called her back IMMEDIATELY! and it was a DIRECT line...i wasn't even put on hold! it's the little things, people! anyway, the show is about moms who are in a rut and don't actually enjoy staying home with the kids. after further discussion we decided that wasn't me....i may complain a little....okay....A LOT...but i do love staying home with my kiddos. and most days, i really mean it. but she did say she would keep my information in case they could use me for something else.


sooooooo, now that i know that the divine ms. O is reading...i know that she is not actually reading herself but a girl can dream...or be delusional...right?? anyway, i MUST be more diligent about posting on here!! you never know who's reading!!

so stay tuned for my next post coming straight to you tonight! it's going to be a good one!!

i'm just sayin.........

ever have days like this????

i'm already working on the rebuttal...

my father sent this to me...stay tuned for my ideas on classes for men.


Spring Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Tuesday, June 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. ;

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours...

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

oh, yes...the gloves are coming off.

i drink...for my family

so, i like to drink wine...almost every night. anyone that knows me, this is no news flash. but what you may not know is that i don't drink for myself...that would be selfish. i do it for one simple, loving reason...to keep from killing my entire family. except for layton...he's still so sweet and has not done anything to totally piss me off. yet. okay...that may be a little dramatic, but you get the drift. i do it for my sanity and let's face it, without that, EVERYONE in this house would be miserable. i've been accused of being bitchy lately. duh. i believe the role of mother/driver/maid/chef is the most under appreciated job on the planet. and with being under appreciated, comes a little...okay, a lot, of bitchiness. you hardly ever hear the words "thank you" or "please." you are just expected to do "it." whatever "it" may be. and what sucks is that if you think this way or dare say it out loud, you seem ungrateful for the opportunity to stay at home with your kids...which is not the case. i've been a working mom and missed out on a lot and i'm totally thankful that i get this opportunity now. but damn...sometimes you can't help but feel like the hired help. but there's no paycheck. and no sick days.

cory tried to tell me one time that maybe my bitchiness had something to do with my drinking every night. seriously? does he really want to test that theory. sometimes knowing that my refreshing glass of pinot grigio is waiting for me, is the only thing that gets me through the day.

i was told today by one of my wonderful children that "atleast you don't have a job." oh really?? well, let's just see how he gets his ass to and from football practice and driver's ed tomorrow...after all, it's not like i have a job. this is the same child that i spent all day friday, in the 105 degree heat, watching him play football while wrestling with an almost 8 month old and a 3 1/2 year old that does not seem to understand the word "no." i take that back~she understands it~she just doesn't give a shit. yea...i don't have a JOB.

and no one tells you how hard it's going to be...being a parent.all you hear is all the great things~and there are MANY! i'm thinking of writing a book that tells all the ugly things no one dares tell you when you are planning on having kids. like instead of having someone looking at your pregnant belly and saying, "ahhh, babies are soooo sweet. congratulations." i would say somethinng like, "congratulations. your cute, sweet baby will grow up to be a teenager....and literally suck the life right out of you. good luck with all THAT."

don't get me wrong...i love ALL my kids and wouldn't trade them for the world.

but....a case of pinot grigio....hmmmmmm.....

helloooooo....

wow! i can't believe i haven't blogged in over a month. this summer is flying by and sometimes i don't know where the time goes. oh. that's right. i've got kids. things at the brewer house are good...not much is going on. oh. i believe that mackenzie is a tween trapped in a toddler's body. she is totally into all that is disney...and i'm not talking mickey mouse, handy manny or pooh. uh, no. i'm talking high school musical, hannah montana, jonas brothers, zach and cody. she sneaks into the bathroom and puts eye shadow on...and it actually doesn't look half bad. she puts it in the right place. she walks around saying "sweet niblets!" which if you've seen hannah montana, you know what i'm talking about. she told me yesterday that harry potter was her boyfriend. alrighty.

let's move on to more important issues. you know. like, jon and kate.

now, i'll admit, at first, i totally sided with jon. kate seemed like real bitch and treated him like shit. but after seeing him with those earrings and looking like ed hardy vomited all over him, he looks absolutely ridiculous. i truly believe he is having an early mid-life crisis. sure, she's bitchy. but she's got 8 freakin' kids. i'm bitchy, and i've only got half that...and two of those are pretty much on their own. i can't imagine how bitchy i'd be with 8 all under the age of 10! CORY~YOUR COMMENTARY ON JUST HOW BITCHY I AM IS NOT NEEDED. THANK YOU.) the woman shot 8 kids out of her vagina. she deserves to be bitchy. and i also believe that she deserves to drink no matter the time of day. without judgement. i have a firm policy that drinking in the AM is completely acceptable as long as it involves juice of some sort...screwdrivers, ok. bloody marys, ok. mimosas, ok. got it? good. let's move on.

kate is also getting a lot of shit for wanting to continue the show. she has 8 kids to support. those 8 kids will probably want to go to college someday. what is she supposed to do to support them? i'm sorry, but even the best stripper can't support 8 kids. give her a break. i've been a single mom with one kid to feed and it ain't easy. and jon doesn't seem to have a fire under his ass to work. her heart seems to be in the right place. and he wants to move to new york??? what a douchebag. and she's getting a lot of flack for spanking her kids...are you kidding me?? thank god cameras don't follow me around all day...that's all i'm sayin'.

micheal and farrah...what a sad day. it's crazy that we are at the age where people that we idolized in our childhood are now dying. it started with john ritter. i was so sad when he died. i loved watching three's company. and i was determined to be a "charlie's angel." and don't even get me started on MJ. i was going to marry micheal jackson. i remember when he came to town for his "thriller" concert and my mom wanted to take me and my brother so badly. she couldn't get tickets but she bought me a white nightgown that said "thriller" in purple glitter. i loved it. my brother and i would camp out in front of the t.v. all day waiting for the "thriller" video to come on. we named our first dog "jackson." so sad.

here are some recent pics of the kiddos. have a great weekend!

happy 1/2 birthday, layton!

our little layton is 6 months old today! he weighs 17 lbs. and is 27 in. long. he is such a happy, happy baby!!

prom

well, my sweet, innocent baby boy is at the prom...with a COUGAR. okay..she's just a junior....but still.

mackenzie thought all the girls were princesses...and the top picture is her right after she realized that bubba left with all the other princesses and left his little princess behind.

can't deny this relation...

the above picture is of layton now~between 5-6 months~and the bottom is of mackenzie at the same age. they look like the same baby!!

but...did she give it to the dog???

i realize this is a serious situation...but i couldn't resist posting this. i thought this was something new but obviously not.

wash your hands, people! and don't be kissing no pigs.

um...i don't think so, scooter...

so it was just a normal weekend in the brewer house...parents were in town, ashlen and blake were out and about, little ones were sleeping. before i was about to turn in for the night, cory tells me that blake called and asked if he could spend the night....at a girl's house. uh, come again?? knowing cory, i figured he was only joking, trying to get a rise out of me. he insisted he was telling the truth...blake called and asked if he could spend the night at this girl's house....and her parent's were not home. he said he told him no and to come home. i went to bed still not believing him.

so the next morning, i wake up and my dad tells me that cory told him the same thing last night. oh. shit. maybe he was telling the truth. so about that time blake comes down the stairs and i ask him if he asked to spend the night with a girl last night. he simply nodded yes. HE. JUST. SHOOK, HIS. HEAD. YES. as if i had just asked him if he wanted some freakin' breakfast. but not only did he say yes, he said that he asked the RIGHT person the question. huh??

i was speechless...which is no small feat for me. i didn't say a word...just kind of stared at him thinking, "are you a complete dumbass??" now what boggles my mind is not that he wanted to stay the night at a girl's house whose parents were out of town. i mean, duh. but the fact that he actually called and asked for permission. who does that??? did he really think he'd get a yes??
like cory would say, "absolutely, son...way to go! and don't forget to wear a condom." the scary thing is...i can SO cory saying that. and that scares the shit out of me.

so the whole thing got me thinking. obviously blake did not get the handbook on teenage pre-marital sex. there are certain guidelines one must follow. and here are a few:

first off...your parents may provide protection but are not going to provide the place. you gotta get creative...like the rest of us did. you know, back of the car, and...well...the back of a car. there's no shame in it...i firmly believe that many wonderful, functioning human beings are conceived in the back seats of cars everyday.

second...do not give your mother...your sweet, loving mother who gave you life and still likes to think of you as her little baby boy..a heads-up that you are going to be doing the "wild thang" do you really expect me to be able to sleep knowing that you are "pounding it out" (as my husband so eloquently puts it) just a few blocks away.

and last, but certainly NOT least..I DO NOT WANT TO BE A GRANDMOTHER. OR A NANA. OR A MIMI. I DON'T CARE WHAT CUTESY NAME YOU COME UP WITH..I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. my own mother reminds me how young she was when i made her a grandma. and if you think we get funny looks now when we are out with layon and/or mac, imagine the looks if we had another one calling you, daddy?? ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!!!! HELL, WEAR THREE.

so this is my life now...

cory made the comment the other night that i drink EVERY NIGHT.

well, no shit.

do you blame me?

(the title of this blog is actually a line from a "ron white" routine....but my dad used to call blake scooter when he was little...)

mac's first catch...

mackenzie and cory went fishing on friday and she caught her first fish....actually, she caught two.

please donate to the "i'm a mother of four who needs lots of money for wine" cause...

so, i've noticed a growing trend...instead of just homeless people standing on the street corner begging for money, there are people, asking for money to support certain causes....people addicted to drugs, battered women, even little league teams. i mean, how are we supposed to know that is where the money is REALLY going??? just because they tell us that? so i figured, if all it takes is a good cause and a bucket, hey, i can do that. in fact, i've got several "causes" near and dear to my heart that i could raise money to support....and here are a few:

my three year old who is supposedly potty trained, decides every now and then to shit her pants...just to keep it interesting. please donate to help keep my pinot grigio adequately stocked.

my teenage son is on a mission to lose his virginity...please donate to help him buy condoms. and me, more wine.

i have to go through the teenage years two more times in my life...please donate to the desparately trying to keep my sanity fund. zoloft ain't free, people. oh, and wine...i need something to wash it down with.

i have a harmless obsession with handbags..and shoes. please donate money to help me get the gucci bag i've had my eye on..neiman's won't let me trade one of the kids...i've asked.

my husband will not stop clipping his toenails into the bathtub. please donate money...scratch that...just donate wine. it helps take the edge off...and keeps me from killing him.

so these are just a few i came up with...what would your "cause" be??

amen, sister...

i will post something funny for ya later...but this was to good~and true~not to share.

time for another...funny monday!

i have never heard of this guy but i saw this on "youtube" and he's pretty funny!

enjoy!

layton, the bunny, and a pimpin' hat....

a funny for your monday....

since mondays generally suck, i've decided that on mondays, i will post something funny for you to enjoy. today, it is a clip from john caparulo. he is GREAT! i love him....you can see him a lot on "chelsea lately." he is funny, funny, funny! enjoy!

you're welcome.

happy monday!

layton

happy hump day!

funny for your monday

i love, love, love chelsea handler!!

happy monday!

um...you do know your pregnant, right???

so, i headed back to the gym this week. i feel better already and layton did great in the child care area. the ladies loved him and kept talking about how good he was. 

so after my workout, i'm stretching in "stretching" area. i look over to my right and there is this super cute pregnant girl...she's looks really good, just looked like she had swallowed a basketball. she was stretching on the floor, just normal stuff...and then, she REALLY started stretching. first, she stood up and started doing hand-stands. hand-stands. let me repeat that, in case you didn't get it the first two times. HAND-STANDS. she was actually going up on her hands and stretching out her legs in a v-shape. she did this several times. i was amazed. i mean, the only stretching i got when i was pregnant was rolling over to reach for my bowl of ice cream. so as if that wasn't enough, next, she did a back bend. A BACK BEND. i know most females will know what that is and for you, males...well, ask a female. she went up in to a back bend and started rocking back and forth. belly sticking up in the air like nobody's business. at this point, i think my jaw hit the floor. did i mention that she was pregnant? knocked up? with child? in the "motherly" way??? i think maybe i should have told her...i'm not sure she got the memo.

i just went to youtube, thinking maybe i could find a video of a pregnant woman doing a back bend. i mean, you can find videos of everything else on there. so i typed in "pregnant woman doing back bend." all i got were a bunch of links to porn videos. THAT'S HOW AMAZING THIS WOMAN IS....ONLY PORN STARS CAN DO THIS SHIT!!!

i don't' even think i can do a back bend right now. the last time i remember doing one was my junior year in high school during gymnastics class. oh, and i almost forgot...she did the splits, too!!!! the freakin' splits! if i didn't know this before, i know it now....i was an extremely lazy pregnant person. just a big ol' pregnant blob.

i'm going to go watch "friday night lights" and remember the days when i, too, could do back bends, hand-stands, and the splits....have a happy saturday!

my kind of president....

even if you didn't vote for him, you gotta admit...he seems like a cool guy. watching a basketball game, having a beer....love it!

dad, i bet even you would buy him a cold one!

i can relate....

two posts in one day...

 

my husband sent this to me.  what do you want to bet that blake/and or jake try this next halloween?

wanna know what i think???

of course you do....i mean, that's why you read my blog, right? duh. well, you know me...never short on opinions on just about everything. so this is what i'm thinking about certain subjects right now. 

*the octo-mom:  i'm starting my own website to raise money for her.  i feel it's the least i can do. you can find it at www.sewhervaginashut.com.....we will accept cash, checks or paypal. please consider donating...it will be cheaper than helping to support her kids with your tax dollars. since economic times are tough, maybe you could donate your time. i figure, it would take at least 3 or 4 strong females to hold her ass down and 2 of us to do the procedure ourself. a needle, some thread and we are good to go. you know, i watched her interview on dateline, hoping to get a better understanding on her and the decisions she's made. after watching, i came away with this bit of knowledge: the woman is crazier than a shit house rat. and i'm not exactly sure how crazy that is..i hear cory say it about people all the time. and he knows some CRAZY people.

*"friday night lights": for just one hour every week, i wish i was back in high school. but only for an hour. then i come to my senses.

*heidi klum: i heard that someone made the comment that heidi klum is too fat to be on the runway. let me just say, that if heidi klum is too fat for anything, i give up. just give me a chocolate i.v. right now.

*the people in the mall with the dead sea salt scrub: LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO SHOW ME HOW GREAT THIS STUFF WILL MAKE MY NAILS LOOK. IF I HAD TIME TO GIVE MY NAILS ANY ATTENTION, I'D GO GET A REAL MANICURE...WHERE I COULD ACTUALLY SIT AND ENJOY IT. NOT STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL WHILE MY 3 YEARD OLD IS ABOUT TO PULL MY ARM OFF DRAGGING ME TOWARDS THE PLAY AREA. BACK OFF.

*the person who designs the layout of "dillards": what genius decided to put the men's section and the kid's section together in a different part of the mall. how many men do you know take the kid's shopping? really. how many? you may take the kids together, but NEVER does the man take the kids alone. they know better. 

*the oscars: everyone made such a big deal about the "brangelina/jennifer anniston red carpet show-down! what did they think was going to happen? jennifer anniston would go up and drop-kick angelina jolie? pull her hair? what? not that she didn't deserve it. and then they make a big deal that jen brought john mayer..it was their first red-carpet appearance together. of course, she brought a date! she was going to be face to face with her ex-husband and the woman he cheated with. i would have brought 3 dates.

*casey anthony: i watched nancy grace last night and they showed video of her brother, lee, giving a deposition where he stated that he still believes everything his sister tells him. until then, i thought SHE was the only crazy one in the family.

*the economy: things are about to turn around. i have nothing concrete to base this. cory has just been saying all along that things will turn around in march. you heard it hear first. you're welcome.

*texas weather: MAKE UP YOUR FREAKIN' MIND! SERIOUSLY...IS IT WINTER OR SPRING? WHO KNOWS.

*facebook: might as well be crack-cocaine. it is that addictive. but it's good for you. not bad. like crack-cocaine. i can't get enough of it. i've even got my mom on it. be her friend. she'll accept you.

*my husband bugging me to have more kids: NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I'LL SEW MY OWN VAGINA UP IF I HAVE TO. I'M SOOOOO D-O-N-E. PERIOD. END OF STORY. THE END.

*my husband's threat to bring in a second wife if i don't have more kids: I WANT NO MORE KIDS IN THIS HOUSE...MINE OR ANYONE ELSE'S. WE ARE D-O-N-E. IF YOU WANTED A LITTER, YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED A DOG.

well, that's all i got right now. feel free to share your opinions with me on these or other topics.

have a great weekend!

just in time for the weekend...

in honor of my favorite drink, the mexican martini, i give you this public service announcement.

you're welcome.

awesome!

my great mother-in-law sent these to me in response to my "real housewives" post. they are great!!! and i'm sure my husband is responsible for a lot of them!  thanks, pat, for sharing!

Tracie,

 

When you lose your voice first thing in the morning trying to get the teenagers up and to school. When you get in your car to start the morning carpool you realize someone has had the car out the night before. (Wonder if that is why it was so hard to wake up and which one is guilty.)    You pick up the toddler at preschool and the teacher recommends that he just might benefit from a dose of  ritlan.  The middle schooler comes home from school and has to have supplies right now for a term project that is due tomorrow. (Warning it's going to be a long night.)  You finally get dinner on the table and everyone seated - a policeman knocks on the door and says he has a warrant for your arrest for that ticket you got racing home from the grocery store six months ago and promptly forgot.  You calmly explain to him you can't possibly go to jail - who would clean the kitchen.  Then you think about it - might be a good break.

 

Pat

wow...

if you need to get your eyes checked, take this quick test:

thanks, dad!

you may be a REAL housewife....

like many of you, i watch the real housewives of orange county...actually i watch all of them...new york, atlanta..if there were a real housewives of zimbabwe, yes, i'd watch that, too. as much as i enjoy the show, it really kills me that they call these crazy women housewives. so, in case you are wondering if you fall in the housewife category, i've compiled a list of criteria to help you decide:

you may be a housewife if:

~by the end of the day, if you have not ripped out your hair, forgotten one of your kids at the grocery store~or anywhere for that matter~or had to ask the question, " why didn't you tell mommy you had to poo-poo?"then you have had a highly successful day.

~during the course of any given day,  you acquire several stains on your clothing and at least one of them is a bodily fluid...not belonging to you. this could be anything from vomit, poop, urine, etc.

~you secretly daydream about what song you would sing if you auditioned for "american idol"

knowing full well, that you can not sing. AT ALL. that's why they call them day "dreams."

~the thought of going to a restaurant that does not include a kid's meal, can be intoxicating. almost orgasmic. husbands: THINK ABOUT THAT.

~the thought of having an adult conversation at said restaurant that does not include the words: fruit snacks, "you gotta go potty?" or "please stop that." is also orgasmic. 

again, husbands: THINK ABOUT THAT.

~you do not know the words to the latest hit songs but can sing every word to the theme song to dora the explorer. and go, diego, go. and backyardigans.

~your drug of choice in the a.m. is caffeine...lots and lots of caffeine. and in the p.m. wine. large amounts of wine. in fact, the FDA should include two new food groups for housewives: coffee and wine.

~you get super excited if you score a package of "chip clips" in the dollar section at target.

~you have actually been so excited about a new box of tupperware, that you opened it up, laid it out on the coffee table and just stared at it. every. last. piece.

~the lady checking you out at walgreens asks if you have your hands full today because you look really tired. bitch.

~you can actually be on the phone, put in a load of laundry, and nurse a baby. ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

~you feel you need to show your husband a power point presentation on why girl's night out is a NECESSITY, NOT A PRIVILEGE.

~a good friday night is several glasses of wine and 20/20. a GREAT friday night is being able to stay awake for an ENTIRE movie.

~you spend a large amount of time assuring your husband that you are very grateful for being able to stay at home, but it is still a job. it is STRESSFUL, EXHAUSTING AND HARD.

~when your baby spits up on you, you don't look for a towel or tissue. anything close will do. that could be the sheet on your bed. or your own shirt. whatever.

~in your purse, you can usually find one or more of the following: a goldfish cracker, some sort of fruit snack and/or a few french fries from a happy meal....that was probably purchased a week ago.

please, send me your comments. let me know what other criteria should be added. 

i've got to go pour my first glass of wine and clean out my purse.

it's over...

layton's surgery went very well....we've been in recovery since about 11:00 and are now in a regular room. they've done a chest x-ray and it looked good. we are probably going home tomorrow and i can't wait!!! 

layton's surgery

we are at texas children's hospital in houston. they took layton back about 7:30 this morning. he was hungry as hell...he hadn't eaten since 11 pm last night....he had some pedialyte at 4:30 am. i was glad when they took him back to put him to sleep so he wouldn't be thinking about being hungry.

we are now in the waiting area...just waiting.

this picture was taken yesterday morning in the hotel room. he is such a happy boy! and he already weighs over 12 pounds!!

sweet baby layton...

layton is 8 weeks old today....he weighs over 11 pounds and is a happy boy...he's smiling a lot now!

we are going to houston next week for layton to have another procedure on his heart. he has a condition called aortic valve stenosis and they need to go in and balloon up one of his valves. the doctors are very optimistic that things will go very smoothly and they won't need to operate to repair or replace the valve. 

please keep us in your prayers. i'll keep everyone posted while we are in houston.

letter to ann coulter....

please forgive me while i step on my soap box for a bit...

dear ms. coulter,

to the chagrin of some of my friends and in-laws, i have been a fan of yours for awhile now. while i don't always agree with what you say, i always admire the fact that you have the balls to say it. you say what you mean and mean what you say, a quality i admire in any one. after all, you have never said anything that has affected me personally.....until now. your statement about single moms has really pissed me off. i was a single mom for 8 1/2 years until i met my wonderful husband, who also happened to be a single parent. while i will admit that being a single parent is not something that people usually yearn to become but rather it is a situation that a lot of people find themselves in. i take offense to your statement that single mothers are breeding strippers and rapists.  if there is one thing i pride myself on, it is my children and they way they have been raised. while our oldest two did not have the advantage of being raised by two loving, responsible parents, i do feel they were raised by the better~by far~of the two options. neither one is a stripper or rapist. they are an 18 year old college student and a 15 year old freshman in high school. they are very kind, loving, respectful people who i'm proud to call mine. one of the best compliments i have received was someone telling me that my kids were a pleasure to be around....that they are very respectful to adults and all around generous people.

it is amazing to me that someone who has no children of her own, has such a strong opinion on how to raise them. while i'm sure there are some strippers, rapists and other criminals that have come from single parent homes, i'm sure there are also some less desirable people that were raised by two parents. where is your research on that one? should a single woman marry man she doesn't not love just because she gets pregnant...just to later divorce, causing more heartache for the child?

again, while i respect your opinions and your courage to speak them no matter how criticized you might be, i personally take offense to this latest tirade of yours. 

so, as respectful and dignified as i can be, i say to you, ms. coulter:

suck it.

sincerely,

a former single mother not raising a stripper or a rapist

here is the link to her interview on "the view" and for once, i agree with the ladies....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGbWSfIL1d4