Friday, May 13, 2011

oh, baby.

the national geographic channel has a show called "taboo" that features certain topics that are socially, well, taboo. this little doozy aired recently and while i didn't see the whole episode, i heard a little about it on the radio and found this video...prepare yourself...

what. a. freak. show. i'm not sure where to begin. for one, who knew they made onesies in men's size 3-XL? there is no male on this planet that should even consider footie, onsie pj's past the age of 5..maybe 6. two, can you even imagine what a grown, 300 pound man's dirty diaper smells like?? i know that layton is 2 1/2 and it's getting worse by the day. and, i believe that if you are capable of BUILDING your own crib, you are much too old to be SLEEPING in one. and going to lowe's to buy lumber to make his own high chair?? and what's up with this woman that she's willing to take care of this jack ass?? pacifiers, bottles, toys, a reinforced play-pen to hold is big ass..this guy didn't miss a beat and what exactly is in those bottles because this guy sure ain't missing any meals.

the technial term for this is infantilism..however, i think it's just a fancy word for LAZY. i mean, this guy doesn't even want to be bothered to go to the bathroom on a toilet or wipe his own ass. call is what you want, but this guy is L-A-Z-Y.

so, please, share you thoughts on this. did anyone see the whole thing?? i'm dying to see all of it!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

holy botox, batman!

you know i love me some real housewives and the oc gang never disappoints. is it just me or is this season just getting crazier by the episode?? let's review..

alexis~holy, codependent! she has a major nervous breakdown because she is attending a dinner party without her husband??!! really??

locking herself in a bathroom, crying?? OMG! i'm pretty sure, Jesus, himself, would encourage her to grow a pair. and what about the poor guy she brought and then left at the table..ALONE! the look on his face is priceless. like, "what the hell has that bitch gotten me into?? oh no she d-idn't.."

tamra~now, i love me some tamra. she's got some balls on her. anyone that would proclaim herself that hottest housewife right out of the gate is going to bring the D-R-A-M-A. but her little scene in the bathtub, waiting for her man?! what was that?? and i love how he guzzled down that wine before he climbed in that tub. mentally preparing himself, perhaps??

wonder what simon thought about that??

Saturday, May 7, 2011


with mother's day being tomorrow, i thought this would be a good opportunity to write a little something to each one of the people that call me MOM. and a little something for the wonderful woman who gave me life...

ashlen~WOW! that pretty much sums up the impact you have had on my life...i realize i've only been in your life since you were the ripe old age of 12 but it feels like so much longer. i am so very, very, unbelievably proud of the woman you have become. i have thought this since i very first met you: you are one of the strongest people i know. i've always been envious of your strength and courage. i can not wait to see what the future holds for you. you will do great things. you have done great things. and you are beautiful both inside and out. i couldn't love you anymore if i had shot you out of my vagina. oops. TMI?? i love you and miss you more and more every day.

blake~looking back, i really feel like we raised each other. i have learned just as much-probably more-from you than i have taught you. you are an incredible young man..but will always be my baby boy. i admire your big heart and your sensitive nature. you can light up a room with that big smile of yours. i've been trying to mentally prepare myself for this time next year when you get ready to leave and start the next chapter of your life. it's not working. i will miss you terribly. for so long, it was just me and you. and i will never forget those times. you kept me going and everything i've ever done, has been for you. i love you more than words.

mackenzie~i don't even know where to start. from birth, you have amazed me. you are smart, funny, and have managed to become a teenager wrapped in a little bitty package. your spirit is like no other. you can make me laugh, cry and scream all at the same time! that's some talent! i can't wait to see what great things you are going to do. i do know that whatever it is, you will give it 110%. and will always keep all of us on our toes while doing it!! i love you more than the sky, mackie!

layton~you stole my heart. i will never forget the feeling of emptiness i had when i had to leave you at the hospital. or the gut-wrenching day they took you back to have heart surgery. i have never felt so helpless in my life. fast forward 2 1/2 years later and you are such a big sweet. when you look at me and say, "hi, mama." i truly melt. your daddy says that you have my number and i think he's right. i am putty in your hands. that toothy grin gets me everytime. you are my little miracle. i love you more than anything in this world!

and last but surely not least....

to my mother~i could not have asked for a better role model. you have always been there and supported me no matter what. the sacrifices you have made have not gone unnoticed and will never be forgotten. your strength and tenacity are unbelievable. i am so proud to call you mom and thank you for always being there to talk, listen or agree with me...even if i'm wrong! i love you.

happy mother's day to all the mom's out there! enjoy your day!! i know i will!!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


so, last wednesday, the alarm went off at 4:45 and i dragged my tired ass to spin class at 5:30. i go to spin class monday, wednesday, and friday at 5:30 am. AM. let me repeat that, AM. i've been doing it for a while now so i'm actually pretty used to it but i'm still pretty damn tired when i climb on the bike. i don't listen to my own music because they play music in the studio and you need to be able to hear the instructor when it's time to add gear, speed up/down, etc.. and normally, the music selection is okay...pretty upbeat. wasn't.

last wednesday, the instructor~who is the usual instructor for wednesday morning, was feeling very, uh....spriritual? yeah, that's a good word for it. she started by playing christian music. now let me say this before you get your panties in a wad: I RESPECT A PERSON'S CHOICE TO LISTEN TO WHATEVER MUSIC THEY LIKE. i, however, do not like christian music. i never have. and i really don't like it when i'm trying to climb a big, ass imaginary hill in spin class. i'm sorry. not gonna work for me.

after contemplating leaving half way through because i was dying to hear some metallica, eminem, the killers, ANYTHING but what was playing...i decided to stay and tough it out. i, mean, how worse can it get. right?

a lot.

the instructor proceeded to explain that this particular spiritual song reminded her of losing her mother. to a stroke. she even started crying. not to sound insensitive, but DAMN. are you kidding me right now?? what do you do with THAT??

what happened next can be summed up in two words: JOSH. GROBIN. yes, THAT josh grobin. and you all know the song.

so while josh grobin was being all raised up, the instructor began to talk about her infertility issues.

needless to say, i left there wanting to go home, eat my weight in chocolate, curl up in the fetal position while listening to patsy cline.

here's hoping tomorrow doesn't bring tales of doom and gloom.

because 5:30 is early, ya'll.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

i can't even come up with a title that would do this justice....

so everyone knows i like trashy t.v. i will pretty much watch anything. my brother and sister-in-law were here last weekend and asked me if i had seen "the wild and wonderful whites of west virginia." i had not. he explained to me that it was a documentary about some hillbillies in west virginia and that i HAD to see it. so i searched the guide and recorded the next showing which was tuesday night on the movie channel. cory and i sat down to watch it last night. i was really curious because my brother had already texted me earlier in the day to ask if i had watched it.

holy. shitballs.

i don't even know where to start. first of all, if you haven't seen it, WATCH IT. NOW. it is a train wreck. no it's beyond that. it's a train wreck times a million. how these people do not have their own reality show is beyond me. here is the trailer for this fun, family, flick...

you may think you know white trash. you don't. unless you know THESE people. they take family dysfunction to a whole new, trashy level. you can't stop watching. and just when you think you've met the craziest one..BAM..they hit you with another one that is more nutty than the one before.

the most infamous, i believe, is jesco white. he smokes, drinks, does drugs....and tap dances. yes. tap dances. he also has a pretty tattoo of elvis and charles manson on his back. he feels that those two personalities best describes HIS personality. need i say more??

i don't really want to talk anymore about the film because you must watch it yourself. i can't do it justice. so go watch it. and then come back and leave your comments.

make sure your kids are NOT in the room.

i did check and it's available on netflix. it is also on the movie channel sunday night at 10:40.

so forget charlie sheen for two seconds and check them out. they have definitely cornered the market on CRAZY.

Monday, March 7, 2011

anyone speak african??? anyone??

so you heard the story of the non-proposal. however, long before i basically proposed to myself, cory and i had discussions on what type of wedding we wanted. he made it perfectly clear that he didn't care to have a wedding at all. **crickets**
not have a wedding?? no way! i've never done this before. i plan on it being my only one. we were SO having a wedding. and then the compromise was made: we would have a wedding IF there was a honeymoon in africa to follow. ok. no problem. where are my bride's magazines??

so we did not take said honeymoon after the wedding. it was october and we had two kids in school. and then before i knew it, i was pregnant with mackenzie...NOT until march for all you people that are frantically doing the math.

so fast forward to 2010, and he comes to me and says he's going to africa with his buddy, brent. ok. have fun. see you later. don't get killed by a cape buffalo. or malaria. it didn't hurt my feelings that he was taking OUR honeymoon without me. then came the talk of me going with him. it took some convincing but finally i agreed. so while i was mentally preparing myself to go watch my husband stalk and kill the most dangerous animal on the planet, i was told by brent that i should wait and go next year when his wife was going. there would be a resort. and a pool. SOLD. so africa was off the table for me. this was in october.

i guess the guilt of taking our honeymoon without his blushing bride was starting to get to cory and he started asking me to go AGAIN. so after turning him down several times, it dawned on me yesterday...why the hell not??? this is a once and a lifetime opportunity to see a part of the world i've never seen. never even thought about seeing, for that matter. and although i don't hunt, i do enjoy watching him get such a high off of killing poor, defenseless animals. BUT...these are not poor, defenseless animals. these are cape buffalo, which FYI, you better kill the first time you shoot it because it turns the tables quick and comes after YOU. and alligators. or crocodiles. whatever. you get the point. I will be the poor defenseless creature. so i said what the hell, i'm in! my decision had nothing to do with the fact that at that particular time, i was telling layton for the third time in thirty minutes to put his pants back on. but 10-12 days with no kids?? AND an added bonus: our babysitter who will be keeping the kids has promised to potty train layton while we are gone!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not certain, but i'm pretty sure, at that particular moment when she spoke those words, i could hear angels singing HALLELUJAH!!!!!

so i'm going to africa in june. i would love to hear stories if you've been. but NO stories of shit you've seen on the discovery channel of safaris gone bad or anything like that. my imagination is wild enough.

i hope to come back doing that "clicking" thing they do when they speak....

off to find a book on the lower zambezi valley...

do yo think they have WI-FI?? or starbucks??

Monday, February 28, 2011

just a few things you never knew you wanted to know about me...

one of my favorite sections of US weekly is where a celebrity gives a list of things about themselves. just random things. soooo, i thought i'd let you in on a few things about me. TOTALLY random things.

1. i truly believe i have an addiction to target. and it is an addiction i do not wish to seek treatment to cure.

2. i never, ever drink coke at home or when i go out to eat. however, i am a huge sucker for a coke from sonic. it just tastes better.

3. if you read my last blog about my non-proposal story, i should have mentioned that my husband told me he thought that i would have picked a watch when he took me in the jewelry store. sucka!

4. i don't really understand when people say, "i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy." i, personally, would only call one person my true enemy. no..i won't reveal who that person is on here..those that truly know me can probably guess who. but there really isn't anything short of horrendous i wouldn't wish on her/him. yes, i know..karma and all that. but whatever. i feel that strongly about it.

5. i have never had, nor do i think i ever will have baby fever. i've never looked at a newborn and longed to have one again. in fact, the newborn days SUCK. (yes, i LOVE my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world..but stick a fork in me cuz i'm D-O-N-E.

6. i try to be the kind of friend that i want to have. i have many dear friends that i see and talk to all the time. but i also have a few very dear friends that i can go weeks/months without seeing or speaking to... but when we do, it feels like no time has passed.

7. i would love to write a book. not sure what type. hopefully one day.

8. my toenails are ALWAYS painted. they may not always look freshly pedicured but always polished.

9. i love working out. i feel that it is crucial to my mental stability as well as my physical health. it just makes me feel normal.

10. i'm not a big music person. it's not that i dislike music but i would rather watch t.v. any day.

11. i'm a huge words with friends player...the fad has not faded for me yet.

12. everyone should have a list of celebs that you would hook-up with if your significant other gave you a free pass. share it with your girlfriends and have them tell you theirs. it's fun to hear all the different types of people!

13. if i were put on a stranded island and could only have one thing to eat, i would want chips and a really, really good hot sauce. i could live on the stuff. seriously.

14. i don't understand when you smile at a stranger and they don't smile back.

15. my all time favor tie song is "sweet child of mine" by guns-n-roses.

16. i don't understand when people say they have no regrets. don't get me wrong, i don't believe in dwelling on past mistakes, but doesn't everyone have things they wish they would not have done? or things they wouldn't have said?

17. the first concert i ever went to was shawn cassidy. can't tell you what he sang. i just thought i was cool because my mom took me to a concert.

18. i'll watch a comedy over a chic flick any day. give me dumb and dumber over pretty woman.

19. i really want to learn to play golf. but do not want my husband to teach me. can you say D-I-V-O-R-C-E?

20. i'm a huge kathy griffin fan. i've seen her twice and will see her every time she comes to austin. LOVE her.

21. i just recently got a tattoo with my mom. she wanted one for her 60th birthday. i got a stitched heart on my ankle in honor of layton..who had heart surgery when he was born. it means a lot to me. escpecially when layton points to it and says, "pretty."

22. my other tattoo is an eternity symbol on my lower back. cory and i got matching ones one year on new years day.

now, tell me some random things about YOU....