Wednesday, February 27, 2008

joke for the true!

New Sex Study... 

It has been determined, the most used 
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position. 

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.


Tuesday, February 26, 2008


just another good reason to drink...this was part of a story on yahoo!!

Myth 4:  Red wine is healthy. White wine isn't.

Actually: While red wine contains at least 20 times the number of health-protecting, age-fighting antioxidants as white wine, white wine--but not red--has been shown to improve breathing and lung function, both strong signs of heart health. So if white is your vino of choice, toast your lungs and heart with Pinot Grigio and get your antioxidants from green tea.

now i can have a glass of pinot grigio~my preferred wine of choice~for the sake of my breathing...we all gotta breath, right?


it's that time again....

spring is almost's starting to get warmer during the day, staying lighter later and we are starting to break out our warm weather wardrobe. so, ladies, you know what that means?? oh,'s time to start shaving above the knee. we've been just getting by all winter by shaving below the knee~if even shaving at all~but no more. this dawned on me yesterday while i was in the shower pondering on putting some shorts on to take mac to swim lessons. after all, it was almost 90 freakin' degrees yesterday. so as i started to shave, instinctively stopping at the knee, it hit me...oh crap, i've got to shave my thighs. and then you know what comes next...the bikini area! and that really sucks because it always gets red and irritated.  i've tried the wax and it was not worth it...hurt like hell. and still got red and irritated.  some of you may shave year round..good for you. i'm not one of them. why is it that you couldn't wait as a young girl to start shaving and now it's such a beating to do it. i hate it.
and speaking of warm weather...what's up with the shorts these days?? it's like they come in only two lengths...yes, those are my ass cheeks hanging out or "golden girls" style below the knee...what's up with that? if you were to ask my husband, he'd say the ass cheekers are fine..they are not...but i don't think my 14 year old wants me strolling up to his football game wearing my daisy dukes. in fact, i don't think...i know for a fact that he would be so disgusted with me if i did that. don't get me wrong...i do believe that there are plenty of women, my age and older, who have bodies great enough to wear those. should they? absolutely not!! but seriously, that's all you can find. so to all my girlfriends~or people i don't know that read my blog~if you have found any good shorts that are not too short or too long, pleeeeeease let me know where to find them!! 
well, after my official weigh-in on friday, i've lost 5 pounds in a four week period. not bad. it's the diet that has made the biggest difference. i'm telling sucks getting used to it but the results are awesome. i feel so much better now that i'm not putting crap into my body...except the 3 mexican martinis i had friday night. definately not on my diet but definately worth it.
well, gotta run for now...have a great tuesday evening.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

deja vu...

as cory turned on fox news this morning, we saw john mccain claiming he had not had an inappropriate relationship with a lobbyist. my first question was "is it a male or female?" you never know...he could have been trolling public bathrooms for some action. but it is a woman and the odd thing is, she looks just like his wife...only younger. i hate to be pessimistic, but he probably did it..that's the funny thing about the media...they usually get it right. it may take a while for the truth to be confirmed but in the end, it usually is. anyway, the funny thing about this press conference was the look on his wife's face. she stood there with a forced smile, her glances going back and forth from her husband and the flashing cameras, trying to look supportive. you know all the while, she's no good son of a bitch. i know your ass did it. and know you've been caught with your pants down and i'm up here looking like a total hillary freakin' clinton. and you know if bill clinton was watching, he's yelling at the tv, "lie and deny, john...lie and deny." he was probably getting his knob polished while watching...after all, his wife is here in austin. i'm watching the debate right now and i do believe that barack is kicking hillary's ass. there is something very calming about his voice...and something very annoying about hers. it kills me that she believes because she is married~or pretends to be married~to a former president, that makes her qualified to be president. i guess that means i can run car dealerships. after all, that's what my husband does. i wonder if she called mrs. mccain up and offered her some advice on how to deal with this scandal. would have loved to hear that conversation. 
what i don't understand is why do these men think they are not going to get caught..they've seen it happen time and time again. these women are gonna talk to anyone that will listen. 
speaking of women who talk, it's mom's night out tomorrow night! we are going to dinner and doing a thong exchange. we did an ornament exhcange at xmas and had so much fun with it, we decided to do thongs. it will be a lot of fun. i can't wait!
i have not had any wine this week because we are getting weighed and measured at boot camp in the morning. i'm hoping to see some progress. i'm thinking of signing up for the next boot camp starting in april. i've really enjoyed it.
ok, i'm going to listen to more of the debate and go to bed. have a good one!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

the conversation....

does this conversation ever occur in your home?

husband: come on, pleeeaassse!!

wife: no.

husband: come on, take care of your husband.

wife: no..(insert excuse here~examples: i'm tired, got a headache, it's wednesday.)

husband: please.

wife: no....get off.

husband: please!!!

wife: no. go to sleep.

husband: come on, baby.

wife: i said no.

husband (with an obvious hearing problem): please, please, please. come on.

wife: uh, no.

husband: please...i'll give you (insert bribe of choice here.) please.

wife: (acting like she's insulted) (big sigh) fine...hurry up.

sound familiar?

ahhh.....romance. ain't it grand???

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

these are great!!

check these out when you get a chance....and don't tell me that you don't have some family pics that look just like these!

here we go again....

when blake was born in 1993, barney was a huge thing. he thankfully out grew him pretty quick and for all i knew, there was no more barney. oh, how i was mistaken. thanks to the endless collection of barney vhs tapes that my mother still has at her house, mackenzie has discovered barney....and is obsessed. i didn't think anything would get her off of elmo but now it's all barney, all the time. i like to refer to him as that big purple bastard. i know he's good because he teaches the kids to use their imaginations but come on....shouldn't he have a shelf life of about 5 minutes??? so annoying. and he's not even the beginning of every show, they show him as a stuffed toy and then they kids "imagine" him to life. we have it on right now. and then at the end, he's stuffed again. lifeless. kind of creepy if you ask me...which no one did but that hasn't seemed to stop me yet. even creepier...i walked in the room the other day after barney was over and the damn teletubbies were on. i could see mac zoning out, as if in a trance, watching those freaky things. i knocked over several pieces of furniture and tripped over both dogs to get to the tv and change it.  barney's one thing..the teletubbies is a whole other deal.
i escorted cory to the doctor today~an ear, nose and throat specialist. he had strep a few weeks ago and his throat is still hurting. now, for those of you who don't know cory, he is very direct, in your face, to the point, etc. sometimes people don't quite know how to take him. i watched as this mild-mannered doctor walked into the room and introduced himself to cory and me. he asks, "what seems to be the problem?" and cory says~and i quote~"well, doc, my throat fuckin' hurts like a son of a bitch!" and those who do know him, know how thick his southern accent you can imagine what it actually sounded like. i could tell the doctor was taken back a little. who wouldn't be?? but he did ask and i don't believe the answer could have been more honest. but it was hilarious.
ok, i'm going to watch the break-up with jen anniston and vince cute were they together. she's adorable. and well, you know, vince and i go way back.
have a good one!

Monday, February 18, 2008

the end is near....

i know it's coming...i believe it will happen anyday now. the end of mackenzie's napping. she was in her bed for an hour this afternoon and never got even remotely close to going to sleep....i could hear her in there just chatting away to elmo, snuffy, her big bear from cabela's, all 5 of the backyardigans and what ever else she has in bed with her. at this point it was past two so i went to get her out...she had to be up by 4 for swimming lessons and anyone knows that if there's anything worse than a toddler who hasn't napped, it's a toddler that gets woke up after a quick cat nap...okay maybe not worse but you know what i'm saying. i'm not ready for the nap to go you know how much i can get done in that 2-3 hours that she's asleep?? that's usually when i get to shower...but cleanliness is overrated right? i mean you are just going to get dirty all over again. maybe matthew mcconaughey can lend me some of his special "cream."
well, my mini vacation was relaxing. between the airport and dinner with my parents friday night, i had 5 cocktails....i stuck with the blood mary. they were great.  i got to sleep in until 9 am on saturday. heaven. then i got to take a little nap on the way home...because i wasn't the one driving!!! it was w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l.
i met with the nutritionist yesterday and she put me on an 1800 calorie a day diet..which should be easy since i've been eating less than that. she broke it down into all the different food groups and it's actually a lot of food~it just has to be the right combination of food. we'll see how it goes. amazingly, wine is not one of the major food groups...but my motto is: wine everyday keeps the insanity away.
did you hear that the writer's strike has ended??? hallelujah!! now we just have to wait for them to make new episodes. can't wait.
i did hear that my show "friday night lights" may not be coming back. that sucks, big time.  what will i do without my tim riggins fix???
okay...gonna watch some tube before i go to bed. 5 am comes pretty quick. oh, speaking of the gym...cory had me add him to the membership today and he is up there working out as we speak.
good for him...he's going to feel so much better.
have a great night!!!

Friday, February 15, 2008

i'm on vacation....sort of.

as we speak, i am sitting at the airport waiting to catch a flight~a delayed flight~to dallas. i have to attend a memorial service for my uncle tomorrow, which sucks, but i always like to look for a silver lining. and boy did i find a good one. i am sitting at a bar, in the middle of the day, toddler free (i guess that would be a given if i'm at a bar.) and having a bloody mary. i'm know one of those cool people, typing on my laptop in public, like i've got something real important to work on and it just can't wait. this is awesome. i am toddler free for the next 24 hours. what will i do...get drunk? appear in a "mom's gone wild" video? probably not. i'm looking forward to just sleeping in and having some alone time. hold on a sec, gotta order another drink. what?? i'm just trying to fit in with the other people here at the airport...don't want to be an outcast. besides, i'm on vacation. sort of.
i am upset about missing elmo live tomorrow....never thought i'd say that. but i was looking forward to seeing mac's face when she went with her friends to see the big red guy. but she still gets to go because her wonderful big sis is going to take her. thanks, ash!
i totally forgot about having to take my shoes off at the security check point and i'm wearing flats with no socks. gross. i mean, i think if your feet are under a certain size, you shouldn't have to take your shoes off. what do they think i'm smuggling in my size 7 1/2 sam and libby flats?? better safe than sorry i guess. oh speaking of, what about this lastest campus shooting? you know what my solution is: why not let people that have their concealed handgun license carry their weapons on campus? and you know what they would say to that? oh, you can't do that..guns always fall in to the wrong hands. well, guess what...THE PEOPLE THAT DON'T NEED THEM KEEP FINDING A WAY TO GET THEM ANYWAY. if someone that knew how to use theirs, has a license to carry it and has it on them at the time this lunatic started shooting, they could have shot his ass and less people could have died. sounds like a no brainer to me.i swear sometimes i should be president. ok, maybe not president but atleast mayor or something.
did i mention how yummy this bloody mary is? i have not been drinking lately because of the whole working out and eating better thing. this tastes amazing. i better stop at this one tolerance is pretty low and i'd hate to not be able to board the plane because i'm drunk. how embarassing...or cool. i'm not sure which.
i'll be returning to austin tomorrow. short trip. but i kid you not, it is totally like a mini vacation. and the best part, i'm not driving! my parents are bringing me home tomorrow.  so i can actually do something that i love to do in the car but never get to....SLEEP!!
have a great weekend! cheers!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

all over the place...

got lots to talk to you about....

i don't know if you have heard about the two mentally retarded women who were used as suicide bombers. and i say USED because they lacked the capacity to make that decision for themselves. to the fucking, low life pieces of shit responsible for this, i hope you burn in hell. there are no words to describe how disgusted i am at this. a lot of you know that i have a sister with downs syndrome who i absolutely adore...i'm pretty sure i spoil her more than my own kids. the thought of someone taking advantage of such an innocent soul is appalling. i wish them a life full of misery and suffering. moving on...
what about barack?? he's coming on strong. look out, hillary...speaking of pieces of shit. i do not like hillary clinton at all. i think she is crooked in ways that haven't even come to light yet. the fact that she feels that she is entitled to be president is ridiculous. and i'm sorry, even if i was a john mc fan~which i'm not~he is too damn old to be president.
i'm watching "american idol" right now and have to admit something...i have a crush on simon cowell. i'm not quite sure why but there is something sexy about him. not sure if it's the accent or i totally alone on this??
we went to cabela's on sunday...i absolutely love, love, love that store. if you have never been, you need to go. even if you aren't an outdoorsy type, they have some amazing things to look at. and they have the most yummy fudge....which i only had  a few little pinches of, thank you very much. cory bought mac a camo cute. it's sitting here in the living room right next to his. she loves it.
i don't have any funny cory stories...i know how you love those.  but stay tuned...i'm sure there will be plenty soon.
does anyone else find paula abdul annoying?? she looks great but i believe she has a few screws loose.
anyway...nip/tuck is coming on. gotta go!
have a happy hump day tomorrow!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

it's a dog eat shit world....

there seems to be a growing consumer market for dogs....they make everything for dogs..clothes, shoes..i have even seen gourmet dog treats for dogs. and what's even crazier is you can get recipes on how to cook for your dog. let me repeat that, in case you didn't get it the first time. RECIPES TO COOK FOR YOUR DOG. really? seriously. now, i love to cook. it's something that i have grown to really enjoy over the past few years and i'm sure once we move and i have my fabulous new kitchen, i'll enjoy it even more. to me, nothing is more satisfying than cooking for someone and them telling you how great it is..i love that! but here's my question: why in the HELL would i cook for someone who eats shit?? and not just their own shit, any shit they can find. lola has been eating shit...and not just her own...i've seen her wait behind oscar as he shits and then pounce on it like it is filet mignon. i mean, i'd like to think if i was going to eat shit, i'd definately stick to my own. i know what i put in my body so therefore, i know what comes out. but someone else's fecal matter?? no thank you. i'll pass. but lola doesn't seem to mind..any shit will do. and one of them puked in their kennel and she was chowing down on that, too!!! disgusting. cook for dogs?? no chance.
anyhoo, i am now up to five days a week at boot camp. and i'm loving it. i can feel everything getting tighter and my ass better rock in a bathing suit due to the MILLIONS of squats and lunges i am doing. also, they may be ice skating in hell because i have actually changed my diet. i repeat, I HAVE CHANGED MY DIET. you will find no peanut butter m&m's in this house. i'm trying~and doing quite well~to have three 300 calorie meals a day with two 100-150 calorie snacks a day. i'm keeping a journal which helps a lot....i will pass on a tip that the nutritionist at lifetime fitness gave me. you should not eat anything with HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP~which is literally in almost everything~and partially hydronated oils. so i am reading every label before i buy or eat. the high fructose corn syrup is such a chemically altered substance that our body doesn't know what to do with it so it stores it as fat.
so there is your nutrition tip of the day. follow it. don't follow it. but i tell you, eating better has made me feel better.
have a great saturday!! enjoy this gorgeous weather!! :)

Thursday, February 7, 2008

the flu, a funeral, strep throat, new laptop and another death.....

wow! it has been 2 whole weeks since i have blogged....miss me?? of course you did. a lot has been going on at the brewer house. first, blake got the flu... and i know that people throw the word "flu" around but he had the actual, full-on flu...they swabbed his nose and confirmed it. it kicked his ass...he missed a week and a day from school...he literally did nothing but go back and forth from the couch to his bed. mackenzie and i had flu far, so good. cory and ashlen seemed to have escaped it as well.
cory's godfather's mother passed away last week so it was off to ft. worth for the funeral. it was the last weekend of the stock show/rodeo so we took mackenzie and went with cory's brother, his wife and their three boys. all the kids had a great time riding the rides, eating the food and drinking the beer...oh wait, that last one was me...i enjoyed drinking the beer.
then we come home and cory gets strep throat...i swear, it's like a hospital around here and guess who's head nurse??? yup..that's me.  he has been really sick..he went to the doctor on tuesday and they gave him antibiotics but had to go back today because he was feeling worse. he just showed me his throat and there are HUGE white pockets on them. poor looks very painful. the doctor gave him some steroids so hopefully that will help.
i'm typing this blog from my brand new, shiny mac laptop...yes, i finally got it and i love it!!! thank you to my wonderful husband for getting it for me!
my uncle passed away yesterday...i was not close to him and actually can't remember the last time that i saw him. he was my mom's only sibling and the last of her immediate family. her dad died when she was sixteen and my grandma died about ten years ago. he did not want a service of any kind and wanted to be cremated. r.i.p.
hopefully with my new laptop, i'll be blogging that i can do it from anywhere in the house. i'm still working on my updated version of the "rules." it will be intersting to say the least.
i am soooooo glad that "lost" is back!!! i've been dying for some good tv...they say the strike may be ending soon...thank god. please, please give me my shows back.
well, that's all for to watch "lost." have a great night...