Thursday, November 29, 2007

demographic, my ass...

so, i was in tiffany's today to exchange cory's wedding band~yes, the one he got while we were shopping for my birthday~for a bigger size. i was casually trying to make conversation with the sales guy helping me, who by the way, looked all of 15 years old. so i asked him if they were pretty busy last friday, being the day after thanksgiving and all. he says to me, "not really, that's not really our demographic...people out shopping on black friday." uh....ooookaaaayyy. oh yea, buddy. let me tell you a little bit about your so-called demographic. see that ring you got in your hand...yea, that one. let me tell you something about the owner of that ring. this man walks around his front yard, in plain view of everyone, in his underwear while smoking a cigarette every morning. this same man has been known to be in the front yard, in his underwear, waving a pistol trying to scare off a possum. oh, and this same man, you know, the one that supposedly fits into your demographic, farts as much as he breathes. and not just normal farts~farts so bad and loud that i swear sometimes he is shitting his pants. and he does this anywhere and everywhere. elevators, department stores, etc. and he has also been known to go to 7-11 with no shoes or socks on and his dressed pants rolled up so to not ruin them. uh, can anyone say britney spears??? this is also the man that doesn't believe in showering on sundays...i mean, he doesn't have to work, so what's the point, right?? one time, i pulled in the driveway to find him in the garage with a dead deer hanging from the garage door opener. guts and all hanging out. no wonder we get so many letters from the homeowner's association. this is the man that believes a pair of boxers can be worn twice before being washed...all you have to do is turn them inside out. genius.
so, i'm sure if you were to ask the marketing division of tiffany and co if a person like this fits their target demographic they would turn their noses up in a heartbeat. but guess what??? he's got tiffany cuff links and a wedding band. go figure.
so i guess they can take their "demographic" and shove it up their snobby, pretentious asses! :)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

making PETA proud......

mackenzie had her first deer lease experience this past weekend and of course, loved every minute of it! she loved running around outside and chasing the dogs. it wasn't as much of a beating to take her as i thought it was going to be~she went to sleep pretty quickly but did wake up early when she heard cory getting ready to go out to the blind. but over all we had a great time!

well, oscar is getting a mate...that's right...his very own mail-order french bulldog. i've already named her...lola. we are going to breed them and sell the puppies. i know what you are i need more shit (literally) to clean up around here. but my hopes are that if he has a friend, he'll quit driving mackenzie crazy..which in turn drives me absolutely nuts. wine has been a flowin' here a lot lately. i have made a deal with myself though...i can only have some wine if i have worked out that day. we'll see how well that goes. i'm hopeful but not very optimistic.

i did work out today so i'm waiting anxiously for the six o'clock hour!

that's all i got for now~will try and blog later tonight!

***i posted a picture of mac and cory with his deer he shot yesterday. mac wasn't scared at all...she hopped on that thing like it was a horse!

oh and by the way....PETA in our house stands for people eating tasty animals!***

Friday, November 23, 2007

blah, blah, blah

hope you all had a wonderful turkey day! we sure did! did a lot of eating and a lot of football watching with a quick nap in between. cowboys won~yea! wouldn't it be awesome if they actually go to the super bowl??
so, my mom and i had good intentions to go to the outlet mall at midnight when they opened and of course, did not make it...we were passed out. and i made cory take my car to work today to get it detailed so i wouldn't be tempted to leave the house and shop. i used to love to shop the day after thanksgiving but the thought of battling the crowd with a toddler~let me clarify~MY toddler~does not sound fun at all. so i'm still in my pj's at 1 pm and plan on staying that way the rest of the day.
so we've started rubbing oscar's nose in his crap to try and house train him and a thought came to mind. dogs eat their own shit sometimes. so why do they get so freaked out when they have to smell it?? just a random thought....i know...most of mine are.
so i'll blog later..hopefully something exciting will happen. not likely since i don't plan on leaving the house.
we are going to the deer lease tomorrow night and staying until monday........with mackenzie. it will be interesting to say the least.
happy friday!! :)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

i was just wondering.......

why are they advertising britney spear's perfume again?? i get that it's almost christmas but come on. do they think we all want to smell like white trash who can't drive and never wears underwear??

why do i always get the slowest checker at the grocery store? i swear they see me coming.

why is it that i leave my dog outside for 2 freakin' hours and he comes inside and immediately shits on the floor?? seriously?

why is it almost 90 freakin' degrees in novemeber??? i hear we have cow flatulence to blame for that one. whatever.

why has my toddler started taking her clothes and diaper off in bed but while she's up she tries to put on every pair of pj's she owns at the same time??? this child may be the death of me.

why is everyone upset at the "bachelor??" i have to admit, i'm pretty impressed with the fact that he was honest. he didn't pick one just for the sake of picking. and he's hot and lives in austin. so there's still a chance of me meeting him....kidding. (not really :)

why does my husband drive me absolutely crazy in the morning? i swear he picks the morning, when i'm always in a hurry to ask me the most ridiculous questions ever. example: are you going to give me sex this morning. uh, let me think about same answer you got yesterday, the day before that and the day before that. if you want sex, you come to bed when i go to bed. period. this ain't 7-11. i'm not open 24-7.

a few updates for ya.....

cory did not buy a corvette.....yet. i'm sure one will show up eventually.

blake's football team was featured on the local news channel for going undefeated 7th and 8th grade. pretty neat!

the house is coming along great. i picked out all the lighting fixtures on friday..alone. it went so smoothly...imagine that.

that's all for to you later! happy tuesday!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

little red corvette.....

so, i've been up since 6 am. i know what you're thinking~mackenzie. nope. oscar? wrong again. my husband. he decided to get up and get to rosenburg early this morning. now let me tell you something about cory. when he gets up and there is other people still sleeping, he doesn't tip-toe around, quietly shutting doors trying to be courteous to other people. oh no. he's banging around, turning on the lights. we've had several lessons on how to quietly shut a door and he just doesn't get it. but the funny part is why he got up so early. mcfarty has some of the craziest dreams and he takes them very seriously. once, he had a dream that i was cheating on him~as if i had the time~and he woke up mad at me. whatever...
so last night he told me that god told him to go ahead and get his corvette...what? HIS corvette?? as if there is one already out there with his name on it! now, in his defense, i can imagine that being in the car business and being around all those cars would be difficult. i mean, i can't go to target and just look~that's insane. i mean, he goes to the auction where they parade all the awesome cars out in front of you. and they look all shiny and cool. it's like the guy's version of the mall! so there is a good chance that he may come home with a corvette today. and you know, i use to try and talk him out of it. i mean, we are a family of 5~it doesn't make sense to have a car that only seats 2. but i've given up. if he gets one, good for him. he did buy me a very, very nice car for mother's day. and i'll have a cool car to take out on girl's night~woo hoo!! because i hate to break it to him but the minute we said "i do" HIS corvette became OUR corvette. guess god forgot to mention that one.
bye for now!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

i need an intern.....stat!!

i watch e.r. (yes, still) and grey's anatomy. as i'm watching these shows, i came up with a brilliant idea~which most of mine are. before you get married or even think about birthing children, you should intern under someone who already has. i mean, they say, those are two of the most, if not, the most important jobs a person will take on in their life, right? it's easy. let's say i took on an intern..i'd actually take several. you get to tell them what to do and it's all for the sake of learning. everytime something comes up, like say, husband~who i will now refer to as mcfarty~won't stop snoring and/or farting in the bed. you would ask the intern(s) what they would do. i'm sure most would say, ah, nothing. he's your husband. you are supposed to love everything about him and just deal with it. wrong, intern, wrong. you can love someone with all your heart and not have to love all their annoying and disgusting habits. correct answer: take your ass to the couch and try to be back in bed before he wakes up so he doesn't get his feelings hurt. moving on.
your kids are driving you absolutely crazy~more than usual that is. the toddler is screaming because nothing is making her of the teenagers is going in and out of the house for the 50th time~along with a pack of equally foul smelling boys~and tracking mud through the house. what do you do?? i'm sure the naive single one would say, "take a deep breath, calmly talk to your children and resolve the problem. wrong again.
well, half wrong. you do take a deep breath, and then check the clock. if it's anywhere near 5 p.m. and by anywhere near i mean anytime after noon, have a glass of wine. or two. or three. by then, you won't care about the mud or the stinky teens and the toddler will be happy you are buzzed enough to sit through elmo and actually enjoy it.
see, this is genius. i really think i'm on to something here. but how would you advertise? and what would i call my business?? and it would be a business because i would charge these people, for sure. i know internships are supposed to be free but come on, people. this is valuable information that you know you wished you would have had before you sealed the deal. so if you know any single people thinking about taking the plunge or getting ready to get pregnant, send them my way.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

and finally.....part two of a day in the life of me....

so, i ended the last entry with me waiting to watch nip/tuck. i finally started it at 10:15 and believe i was asleep by 10:30. i woke up on the couch about 12:45 and went to bed. mac must have woke up and cory brought her to our bed. so i settle in to what little space they have left me in the king size bed. at around 3 a.m. mackenzie sits up and is coughing~make that gagging~i knew what was coming. she was about to puke. in the bed. in my bed. so i hurry up and turn the light on and try and comfort her. poor thing~she didn't know what was going on. at this point cory is up. while i am cleaning up mac, changing her pj's, i tell him to take oscar out to pee. he comes back to bed and procceds to lay a towel over the vomit spot and tells us to climb back in bed. uh, no. as if i can lay there knowing i'm laying on puke. and that smell...gross. i grab a pillow and tell him we are going to the couch. i also asked him if oscar had peed in his kennel again. he informs me yes and that he put him back in teach him a lesson. what?? are you freakin' kidding me?? he's like a baby~you aren't teaching him anything! so i clean up the kennel..AGAIN!! and mackenzie and i settle in on the couch. about 10 minutes later, the gagging starts again. this time i tried to move fast enough to get her to the toilet. no chance. she puked on herself, on me, on the couch. at this point we need a bath. cory decides to go sleep with ashlen so we can have the bed. mighty big of him, i know. believe me, i realize the lack of sensitivity coming from my husband. i could go on and on about it.. but that's for another blog. so mac and i get a bath. it is now about 4 a.m. i go ahead and turn on elmo hoping it gets her settled down and sleepy again. she did throw up a few more times but i managed to get her to the toilet..yea for me. we don't go back to sleep until about 6 a.m. we then get woke up at 7 because cory came in because ashlen had kicked him out of her bed hours ago-because of his snoring. mac is awake at this point. so we are up. ready to start another day. execpt she's sick and it's halloween. i can't get away from the smell of puke~it's probably in my hair and i'm too tired to care much less do anything about it.
so that's roughly 24 hours in the life of me. no, they are not all this bad and drama filled.
oh and it gets even better...guess who got the stomach virus early friday morning. yup...that would be me. and it was brutal. lost about 5 pounds within 24 hours. brutal. and why couldn't mac and i get it at the same time so she would just lay around with me?? oh no. that would be too easy. i had to wait and get it after she was better and i have to chase her around in all her toddlerness.
oh and where is my husband?? he left yesterday (yes, friday. the day i got sick) for the lease. he did ask me if i wanted him to stay~after he had already packed his car. of course, i said no. why, you ask? because i'm smart. he'll pay for this later. i'll want something from him and when he tells me no, i'll remind him of what a selfish ass he was to leave me alone while i'm sick.
he called about an hour ago and said his stomach hurt soooo bad. he said he had to shit in the woods and use his socks to wipe his ass. too bad. karma's a bitch. but like i told him..atleast you are off by yourself. if you want to go to bed and sleep all day, you can. there's no toddler to stop you or a puppy shitting everywhere.
i will go to bed with a smile on my face tonight at the thought of him having to wipe his ass with his socks.
yup. karma is a bitch.