Thursday, April 30, 2009

but...did she give it to the dog???

i realize this is a serious situation...but i couldn't resist posting this. i thought this was something new but obviously not.

wash your hands, people! and don't be kissing no pigs.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

um...i don't think so, scooter...

so it was just a normal weekend in the brewer house...parents were in town, ashlen and blake were out and about, little ones were sleeping. before i was about to turn in for the night, cory tells me that blake called and asked if he could spend the a girl's house. uh, come again?? knowing cory, i figured he was only joking, trying to get a rise out of me. he insisted he was telling the truth...blake called and asked if he could spend the night at this girl's house....and her parent's were not home. he said he told him no and to come home. i went to bed still not believing him.

so the next morning, i wake up and my dad tells me that cory told him the same thing last night. oh. shit. maybe he was telling the truth. so about that time blake comes down the stairs and i ask him if he asked to spend the night with a girl last night. he simply nodded yes. HE. JUST. SHOOK, HIS. HEAD. YES. as if i had just asked him if he wanted some freakin' breakfast. but not only did he say yes, he said that he asked the RIGHT person the question. huh??

i was speechless...which is no small feat for me. i didn't say a word...just kind of stared at him thinking, "are you a complete dumbass??" now what boggles my mind is not that he wanted to stay the night at a girl's house whose parents were out of town. i mean, duh. but the fact that he actually called and asked for permission. who does that??? did he really think he'd get a yes??
like cory would say, "absolutely, son...way to go! and don't forget to wear a condom." the scary thing is...i can SO cory saying that. and that scares the shit out of me.

so the whole thing got me thinking. obviously blake did not get the handbook on teenage pre-marital sex. there are certain guidelines one must follow. and here are a few:

first off...your parents may provide protection but are not going to provide the place. you gotta get the rest of us did. you know, back of the car, and...well...the back of a car. there's no shame in it...i firmly believe that many wonderful, functioning human beings are conceived in the back seats of cars everyday. not give your mother...your sweet, loving mother who gave you life and still likes to think of you as her little baby boy..a heads-up that you are going to be doing the "wild thang" do you really expect me to be able to sleep knowing that you are "pounding it out" (as my husband so eloquently puts it) just a few blocks away.

and last, but certainly NOT least..I DO NOT WANT TO BE A GRANDMOTHER. OR A NANA. OR A MIMI. I DON'T CARE WHAT CUTESY NAME YOU COME UP WITH..I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. my own mother reminds me how young she was when i made her a grandma. and if you think we get funny looks now when we are out with layon and/or mac, imagine the looks if we had another one calling you, daddy?? ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!!!! HELL, WEAR THREE.

so this is my life now...

cory made the comment the other night that i drink EVERY NIGHT.

well, no shit.

do you blame me?

(the title of this blog is actually a line from a "ron white" routine....but my dad used to call blake scooter when he was little...)

Saturday, April 4, 2009

mac's first catch...

mackenzie and cory went fishing on friday and she caught her first fish....actually, she caught two.

please donate to the "i'm a mother of four who needs lots of money for wine" cause...

so, i've noticed a growing trend...instead of just homeless people standing on the street corner begging for money, there are people, asking for money to support certain causes....people addicted to drugs, battered women, even little league teams. i mean, how are we supposed to know that is where the money is REALLY going??? just because they tell us that? so i figured, if all it takes is a good cause and a bucket, hey, i can do that. in fact, i've got several "causes" near and dear to my heart that i could raise money to support....and here are a few:

my three year old who is supposedly potty trained, decides every now and then to shit her pants...just to keep it interesting. please donate to help keep my pinot grigio adequately stocked.

my teenage son is on a mission to lose his virginity...please donate to help him buy condoms. and me, more wine.

i have to go through the teenage years two more times in my life...please donate to the desparately trying to keep my sanity fund. zoloft ain't free, people. oh, and wine...i need something to wash it down with.

i have a harmless obsession with handbags..and shoes. please donate money to help me get the gucci bag i've had my eye on..neiman's won't let me trade one of the kids...i've asked.

my husband will not stop clipping his toenails into the bathtub. please donate money...scratch that...just donate wine. it helps take the edge off...and keeps me from killing him.

so these are just a few i came up with...what would your "cause" be??