Saturday, February 28, 2009

i can relate....

two posts in one day...

video 

my husband sent this to me.  what do you want to bet that blake/and or jake try this next halloween?

wanna know what i think???

of course you do....i mean, that's why you read my blog, right? duh. well, you know me...never short on opinions on just about everything. so this is what i'm thinking about certain subjects right now. 

*the octo-mom:  i'm starting my own website to raise money for her.  i feel it's the least i can do. you can find it at www.sewhervaginashut.com.....we will accept cash, checks or paypal. please consider donating...it will be cheaper than helping to support her kids with your tax dollars. since economic times are tough, maybe you could donate your time. i figure, it would take at least 3 or 4 strong females to hold her ass down and 2 of us to do the procedure ourself. a needle, some thread and we are good to go. you know, i watched her interview on dateline, hoping to get a better understanding on her and the decisions she's made. after watching, i came away with this bit of knowledge: the woman is crazier than a shit house rat. and i'm not exactly sure how crazy that is..i hear cory say it about people all the time. and he knows some CRAZY people.

*"friday night lights": for just one hour every week, i wish i was back in high school. but only for an hour. then i come to my senses.

*heidi klum: i heard that someone made the comment that heidi klum is too fat to be on the runway. let me just say, that if heidi klum is too fat for anything, i give up. just give me a chocolate i.v. right now.

*the people in the mall with the dead sea salt scrub: LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO SHOW ME HOW GREAT THIS STUFF WILL MAKE MY NAILS LOOK. IF I HAD TIME TO GIVE MY NAILS ANY ATTENTION, I'D GO GET A REAL MANICURE...WHERE I COULD ACTUALLY SIT AND ENJOY IT. NOT STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL WHILE MY 3 YEARD OLD IS ABOUT TO PULL MY ARM OFF DRAGGING ME TOWARDS THE PLAY AREA. BACK OFF.

*the person who designs the layout of "dillards": what genius decided to put the men's section and the kid's section together in a different part of the mall. how many men do you know take the kid's shopping? really. how many? you may take the kids together, but NEVER does the man take the kids alone. they know better. 

*the oscars: everyone made such a big deal about the "brangelina/jennifer anniston red carpet show-down! what did they think was going to happen? jennifer anniston would go up and drop-kick angelina jolie? pull her hair? what? not that she didn't deserve it. and then they make a big deal that jen brought john mayer..it was their first red-carpet appearance together. of course, she brought a date! she was going to be face to face with her ex-husband and the woman he cheated with. i would have brought 3 dates.

*casey anthony: i watched nancy grace last night and they showed video of her brother, lee, giving a deposition where he stated that he still believes everything his sister tells him. until then, i thought SHE was the only crazy one in the family.

*the economy: things are about to turn around. i have nothing concrete to base this. cory has just been saying all along that things will turn around in march. you heard it hear first. you're welcome.

*texas weather: MAKE UP YOUR FREAKIN' MIND! SERIOUSLY...IS IT WINTER OR SPRING? WHO KNOWS.

*facebook: might as well be crack-cocaine. it is that addictive. but it's good for you. not bad. like crack-cocaine. i can't get enough of it. i've even got my mom on it. be her friend. she'll accept you.

*my husband bugging me to have more kids: NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I'LL SEW MY OWN VAGINA UP IF I HAVE TO. I'M SOOOOO D-O-N-E. PERIOD. END OF STORY. THE END.

*my husband's threat to bring in a second wife if i don't have more kids: I WANT NO MORE KIDS IN THIS HOUSE...MINE OR ANYONE ELSE'S. WE ARE D-O-N-E. IF YOU WANTED A LITTER, YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED A DOG.

well, that's all i got right now. feel free to share your opinions with me on these or other topics.

have a great weekend!




Thursday, February 19, 2009

just in time for the weekend...

video

in honor of my favorite drink, the mexican martini, i give you this public service announcement.

you're welcome.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

awesome!

my great mother-in-law sent these to me in response to my "real housewives" post. they are great!!! and i'm sure my husband is responsible for a lot of them!  thanks, pat, for sharing!

Tracie,
 
When you lose your voice first thing in the morning trying to get the teenagers up and to school. When you get in your car to start the morning carpool you realize someone has had the car out the night before. (Wonder if that is why it was so hard to wake up and which one is guilty.)    You pick up the toddler at preschool and the teacher recommends that he just might benefit from a dose of  ritlan.  The middle schooler comes home from school and has to have supplies right now for a term project that is due tomorrow. (Warning it's going to be a long night.)  You finally get dinner on the table and everyone seated - a policeman knocks on the door and says he has a warrant for your arrest for that ticket you got racing home from the grocery store six months ago and promptly forgot.  You calmly explain to him you can't possibly go to jail - who would clean the kitchen.  Then you think about it - might be a good break.
 
Pat


Monday, February 9, 2009

wow...

if you need to get your eyes checked, take this quick test: video

thanks, dad!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

you may be a REAL housewife....

like many of you, i watch the real housewives of orange county...actually i watch all of them...new york, atlanta..if there were a real housewives of zimbabwe, yes, i'd watch that, too. as much as i enjoy the show, it really kills me that they call these crazy women housewives. so, in case you are wondering if you fall in the housewife category, i've compiled a list of criteria to help you decide:

you may be a housewife if:

~by the end of the day, if you have not ripped out your hair, forgotten one of your kids at the grocery store~or anywhere for that matter~or had to ask the question, " why didn't you tell mommy you had to poo-poo?"then you have had a highly successful day.

~during the course of any given day,  you acquire several stains on your clothing and at least one of them is a bodily fluid...not belonging to you. this could be anything from vomit, poop, urine, etc.

~you secretly daydream about what song you would sing if you auditioned for "american idol"
knowing full well, that you can not sing. AT ALL. that's why they call them day "dreams."

~the thought of going to a restaurant that does not include a kid's meal, can be intoxicating. almost orgasmic. husbands: THINK ABOUT THAT.

~the thought of having an adult conversation at said restaurant that does not include the words: fruit snacks, "you gotta go potty?" or "please stop that." is also orgasmic. 
again, husbands: THINK ABOUT THAT.

~you do not know the words to the latest hit songs but can sing every word to the theme song to dora the explorer. and go, diego, go. and backyardigans.

~your drug of choice in the a.m. is caffeine...lots and lots of caffeine. and in the p.m. wine. large amounts of wine. in fact, the FDA should include two new food groups for housewives: coffee and wine.

~you get super excited if you score a package of "chip clips" in the dollar section at target.

~you have actually been so excited about a new box of tupperware, that you opened it up, laid it out on the coffee table and just stared at it. every. last. piece.

~the lady checking you out at walgreens asks if you have your hands full today because you look really tired. bitch.

~you can actually be on the phone, put in a load of laundry, and nurse a baby. ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

~you feel you need to show your husband a power point presentation on why girl's night out is a NECESSITY, NOT A PRIVILEGE.

~a good friday night is several glasses of wine and 20/20. a GREAT friday night is being able to stay awake for an ENTIRE movie.

~you spend a large amount of time assuring your husband that you are very grateful for being able to stay at home, but it is still a job. it is STRESSFUL, EXHAUSTING AND HARD.

~when your baby spits up on you, you don't look for a towel or tissue. anything close will do. that could be the sheet on your bed. or your own shirt. whatever.

~in your purse, you can usually find one or more of the following: a goldfish cracker, some sort of fruit snack and/or a few french fries from a happy meal....that was probably purchased a week ago.

please, send me your comments. let me know what other criteria should be added. 

i've got to go pour my first glass of wine and clean out my purse.