Wednesday, April 30, 2008

"the good wife's guide".....revised

a while back, i posted this ridiculous article that was supposedly published in a good housekeeping magazine. it is called "the good wife's guide" and it's about the most absurd thing i have ever read in my life. so, i've come up with some revisions that i think you may enjoy. first, i'll put the original suggestion and then follow it with my own. 

1. have dinner ready. plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. this is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of a warm welcome needed.

so you want a nice, warm meal when you get home?? join the club, buddy. while you are out on your "business" lunches, chances are all your wife's had to eat is dropped goldfish off the floor and fruit snacks found wedged between the couch cushions. and on a good day, maybe she had a sandwich that has to be eaten in shifts because that's how we have learned to eat. so you're hungry, are ya?? maybe you should have hit kfc on the way home!

2. prepare yourself. take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. he has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

oh, my. i don't know where to start on this one. your wife is lucky to get a bath/shower most are lucky she's wearing deoderant. and that's a good day. you seriously expect her to throw on some make-up? that's just a waste of time and product. and put a ribbon in her hair. her hair probably hadn't been washed in days...the ribbon wouldn't even stay in due to the grease built-up. fresh-looking?? the only thing fresh will be the sweat dripping from her forehead. you men sit around, pants unbuttoned, hand down pants, farting and burping on the couch constantly...but you want us pretty faced and "fresh" looking. yea. don't hold your breath.

3. be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. his boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

uh...duties?? now, we have duties?? what does that even mean? 

4. clear away the clutter. make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

i'm not sure how it is in your house, but i'm picking up clutter all day long. just to have my husband come in and throw his own clutter into the mix. so if he trips over a few toys on his way in the door, so be it.

5. gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

yea, i'll get right on that. because god knows, a dusty table is such an eye sore for a man.

6. over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. after all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

a haven of rest and order??? this ain't a spa. there is no rest and order with children. period. and i'll get my immense personal satisfaction from a new pair of shoes, thank you.

7. prepare the children. take a few minutes to wash the children't hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. they are little treasures and he would like to them playing the part. minimize the noise. at the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. try to encourage the children to be quiet.

little treasures?? do most little "treasures" eat their own boogers and smear their feces all over the wall??  i mean, how many times do you wash their hands and/or face in a day. now you want me to chase them down just so they can be presentable? i don't think so. love 'em clean, love 'em dirty. and as far as the want peace and quiet? i've been listening to a screaming toddler, elmo counting on t.v., the dishwasher, washing machine, and the phone ringing all day. peace and quiet...not til bedtime. and then if your husband snores, you can't even get any then. atleast you have an office to escape to at work. you know where a stay at home mom's office is...the bathroom. or the closest thing anyway. and even there we can't get any peace. because the toddler wants to do everything with you...pee with you, bathe with you, put their make-up on with want peace and quiet? don't come home.

8. be happy to see him.

oh, we we can pee in peace.

9. greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

this ain't customer service. you want a greeter with a smile...go to wal-mart.

so that's the first half of the list. let the comments (mainly from my husband) begin.

gotta go...can't find my hair ribbon!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

zits, frequent urination, a mighty fine burger and norbit

if i needed any more confirmation that i was with child, i got it this past week...all over my face. my face is sooo broken out it's disgusting. i like look a pre-teen on the verge of puberty. i do remember breaking out when i was pregnant with blake~but i was so young. and i didn't break out with mackenzie. this is ridiculous. and i don't remember having to go to the bathroom so often this early in the pregnancy. seems i can't make it from point a to point b without having to pee. i don't understand all those women who talk about how they loved being pregnant. the only good thing i can think of is feeling the baby move~but that doesn't out weigh all the negative..atleast not for me.
so my trainer, of all people, had told me about this place i had to try called "mighty fine burger." i was over by it today so i tried it out. oh. my. gosh. it was amazing. the burger was so good...and the fries...they were homemade and soooo greasy...just the kind of stuff that i've been craving. it was a mighty fine burger, indeed. and something that really impressed me was their bathroom~which of course, i had to use during the whopping 20 minutes i was there. it wasn't just clean, it was fancy. and this is not a fancy place...the concept is pretty simple. long picnic, style tables, self-serve drink station, etc. but the bathroom had the prettiest light fixtures, faux granite counter tops...if it weren't for the stalls, i would think i was in a friend's bathroom. it was that nice. i'm not sure if they are just in austin or what. but if you get a chance, it's definately worth going...and check out the john.
mackenzie has a new favorite movie and you'll never guess what it is...well, you probably will since i put it in the title. it's "norbit." yes, the movie with eddie murphy. she absolutely loves it all the time. we watched it for the first time probably about a year ago and she happened to be laying down with us. she couldn't take her eyes off of it. then, not too long ago, we caught it on cable~or i should say, cory did~i don't watch crap like that...i'm too busy watching crap like "rock of love" and "the bachelor." and she's been hooked on it ever since. i even had to buy it at target the other day...she saw it and was not gonna let it go. but all toddlers like eddie murphy, right?
so that's what's happening around here.  gotta go pee! happy tuesday!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

yup, i'm pregnant...

so i was at heb today getting some groceries and i was getting some meat from the deli. as always, they had some samples available. it was some cajun roast beef and baby swiss cheese, cut into small cubes. i helped myself and i swear it was the best thing i had ever i ordered some to take home....while helping myself to some more of the samples. hey, as much money as i spend in there, i should be able to eat that whole tray with no judgement!! i take my meat and cheese and finish my shopping. all the while, i keep thinking about that roast beef and cheese. this is how i am when i'm pregnant~once i get something in my head that sounds good, i have to have it...RIGHT THEN! so i hurry up and finish up, check out, and get to the car. i grab the bag with the magic meat and cheese and tear it open. i grab a slice of meat and a slice of cheese...and these aren't small slices. i roll it up, like a wrap, minus the tortilla, and chow down, while driving down the street. it was soooo fat and soooooo good. now, i like roast beef and swiss cheese..however, i don't believe i have ever CRAVED them quite like this. they tasted wonderful.
so if i was in any denial about being pregnant, it's over now. as if that wasn't enough, this morning when i stopped at the cleaners, the sweet girl that works there~who i had told i was pregnant (i feel the more people i tell, the faster it will sink in~i've told total strangers)~got down to eye-belly level and said, "yup, i can see it a little bit." what????? that's news to me!! although they do say that with each pregnancy, you show quicker and considering this is my third child, i was probably showing the morning after conception.
and i'm craving all the things i have been so good about giving up...greasy fast-food hamburgers~more specifically mcdonald's quarter pounder with cheese~cupcakes, and any kind of cobbler with vanilla ice cream. so it probably wasn't a baby bump the girls was seeing...i'm probably just putting on fat from all the crap i'm eating. but, the baby wants what the baby wants.
so if you see me driving down the road, juggling a piece of roast beef and a cupcake, you'll know why. i'm pregnant.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

panic, aisle 4....part two

so, to pick up where we left off, i was having a full-on panic attack at target over the thought of having another baby. so i moved from shock to panic in one week.  the rational part of my brain knows that this is not impossible...i know people that are doing it right now...and make it look easy. i'm the last one out of my group of about 12 friends to get pregnant with their second...although this is actually my third...well, third pregnancy, fourth child. but there were 12 long years between my pregnancies...blake was full functioning by the time mac came along. i've never experienced two toddlers before. just the thought makes my head hurt and makes me want to take a nap. a really long nap. just today, i took mac to watch blake play basketball. between trying to keep her off of the court she so desparately wanted to get on and having her dive into a huge mud pile outside, i was about to pull my hair out. she was covered in mud~deja vu of the shit escapade the other day~so i had to take her into the bathroom and practically bathe her in the sink before i could put her in the car. now what would that scene have been like if i had a baby, too?? my headache just got worse. much worse. 
i know i need to snap out of is what it is and it's time to deal. 
and to make matters worse, i guess i couldn't get lucky and have 3 pregnancies that did not involve nausea. i have been feeling sick to my stomach for several days now. i'm not throwing's just a constant queaziness. lovely.

i'm sure excitement is just on the's gotta be....right??

Saturday, April 12, 2008

panic, aisle 4....

so i'm at target on thursday~which let me say, is the BEST store on the planet..where else can you pick up a cute outfit and dinner at the same place. this whole pregnancy thing has been strange~it's like there are several stages of far, mainly it has been shock. everyone keeps asking the same question,"are you excited??" well, not yet. that might seem ungrateful or cold but it's just the truth. so while i'm at target i pass the maternity, they happened to be right next to the work out clothes. so i start to get upset that i've been working my ass off to get in shape...i've been so excited about my summer clothes fitting so much better this year than last...and now, i'll be living in these tents they call shirts for several months...ugh. no matter how cuter they make maternity clothes nowadays, they get all stretched out and gross. so i start feeling myself getting real bitter...i decided to go browse the cute baby stuff...maybe that will help jump start the excitement everyone has been looking for. so i'm looking around and all the adorable things when i spot the diaper bags...all of a sudden...panic. i start thinking, if i'm having another baby, do i carry two diaper bags now?? do i carry two small ones?? one small, one medium?? forgo a purse, and carry one huge ass diaper bag?? i can feel my face turning red and hot and the room started spinning~okay, that might be a little dramatic, but give me a break...i'm pregnant!! so i exit the baby gear and decide to go look at the cute baby matter what you think about babies, there clothes are soooo adorable. so i spot the little boy clothes and again, panic. what if this is a boy??? i have all girls clothes...i'll need all new clothes!! what if it's twins?? oh. my. this was too much. i had to exit before i spun out of control and caused a big scene. and i can't be causing a big scene and getting myself banned from target. talk about crisis. friend dana just got here...

to be continued....

Friday, April 11, 2008

the pregnant "man"....

so unless you live under a rock~or don't watch as much t.v. as i do or read people magazine religiously~you have heard about the pregnant "man." now i say man, but in the physical sense, he/she is still a woman. quick background: was born a woman, began transtitioning to be man in his twenties, married a woman who could not have kids due to a hysterectomy, got a donor, and decided to have baby himself. now let me just say that i'm supportive of this...i try not to judge. if this is what they choose to do, great. god knows, there are many, many people out there who don't deserve kids and have no business having if these people can love a child and give it a great, loving home then more power to them. but my thing is, this man has lived as a woman, physically, for over 30 years. therefore, he has experienced menstrual cycle and the ever-so-wonderful, menstrual cramp...which let's face it, it's no labor pain, but still more than most men we know could handle. so here's my thought: if it were up to my husband to procreate in this would not happen. period. end of discussion. no way. no how. never. my husband once told me that if he saw a drop of blood come from his penis, he would run down the street screaming, proclaiming that he was dying. and i don't believe that he was exaggerating or kidding. he gets a sinus infection and wants to visit the e.r. no joke. there is no way in hell i could convince him to have a child. even with all the good drugs you get to take...he wouldn't even consider it. yeah, i've heard men say, "well, if i could carry the baby, i would." bullshit. they just say that because they know there is no way in hell that could ever happen!! now, my husband will read this blog, call me and say something like this, "i would do it. i could do it. no problem." all they while knowing that he is full of shit..i have a pretty low pain tolerance and i think his might be a few nothces below mine. i remember when i was about to pop with mac, he would look at my stomach and say, "that just looks like it hurts." you think? and no matter how uncomfortable you are in those last months, it's nothing compared to being on your back, feet in the stirrups, trying to squeeze a watermelon out of a hole that's just used to secrete liquids!! there is no way my husband is having any of that..i don't care what he says.
so, to the pregnant "man" i say, good luck. it will be interesting to see if decides to do it again..i think he'll be playing the "man" card in no time.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

my mom sent this to me....classic.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
 becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
 when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
 Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
My name is Roger. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
 wife, Diane. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
 Diane to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
 extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after
 she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
 usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
 from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
 rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
 her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
 gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
 the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
 home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
 not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
 evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
 this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
 to bed. 
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
 say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
 during her lunch hour but, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
 just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
 two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I
 also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt
 her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my
 strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
 She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.
 I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
 nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
 while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
 make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Diane.
 I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
 will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
 better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
 guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
 aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
 well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each
Roger died suddenly on December 5 of a perforated rectum. The police
 report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
 Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
 showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Diane was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury
 took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that
 Roger somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. 


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

REAL housewives, my ass....

so, i put mackenzie down for a nap today and decided to lay down and rest myself. i'm watching an episode of real housewives of new york. now, i watch the real housewives of orange county and love i thought i'd give these bitches a try. what a joke. anyway, mac had been in there for over an hour and was still not asleep. next thing, i know, i hear her door open so i jump off the bed to meet her in the hall...and there she shorts, no diaper and her hands were covered with shit. i mean, COVERED. you could not even see any flesh on the palms of her hands. i proceed to walk in to her room, jaw on the floor, to see crap on the carpet~our new carpet~crap smeared on the wall, all over her pillows, blankets. my first instinct was to take her to the bathtub. so i turned her around to lead her to the tub and that's when i saw her little butt. it was COVERED in poop. again, no flesh could be seen. so i get her cleaned off, redressed and begin cleaning up the mess. as i'm cleaning up this shit catastrophe, i'm thinking, THIS IS WHAT A REAL HOUSEWIFE DOES!! when i left my show, these chics were all getting ready to go to a fashion show...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKIN' DAY!! definately not cleaning up poop..that's what there nannies are for. if they want a show about REAL housewives, i know where they can find some. so as i'm cleaning up the feces, choking back vomit, i had this brilliant idea...if any t.v. producers or anyone who knows any t.v. producers happens to read this blog, i have one thing to ask of you: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE..if you are seriously wanting to portray REAL housewives, then find some REAL housewives. not women who go to botox parties on a wednesday afternoon and spend more time on their social lives than raising their kids. women who clean up their kid's shit after it has been smeared everywhere in their room and not call in a cleaning service to do it. 
and now, all shit aside, i'm going to rest....

Friday, April 4, 2008

life at the brewer house....

well, we are all moved in. everything is out of the old house and we just got to get it ready to sell. everything went relatively smoothly...we did have some plumbing issues...let's just say that things were going down the toilet but were coming back up in various other the shower. needless to say it was a "shitty" situation but it's all fixed now.
now i have the task of getting things put on the wall..which is a chore. i hate hanging things. i feel like i never get them straight. and we have to get something on these windows. i've almost given the guys on the 18th green a nice show...well, i say nice, that's probably a matter of opinion.
and just when i thought things couldn't get more hectic around here, if just found out that i'm about 6 weeks pregnant. it didn't even dawn on me that i had missed my period until my husband informed me that i've been really bitchy lately (matter of opinion). so i realized that i hadn't had one since the end of february. went to cvs, got a pregnancy test and i'm pregnant. so my question is: if i'm bitchy because i'm pregnant, what's his damn excuse?? i'm still in shock and a glass of wine would be great to take the edge off but now that's off limits. gotta find a new vice..looks like i'll be returning to peanut butter m&m's for the next 9 months.
gotta run....gotta take a shower and go look for some furniture.

have a great weekend.

p.s. and for those that are curious, i will continue to work out during my pregnancy. i never did with my other two so it will be interesting to see how different it is. and i'm not feeling sick at all so as long as that keeps up, i should be fine to keep going.