"the good wife's guide".....revised

a while back, i posted this ridiculous article that was supposedly published in a good housekeeping magazine. it is called "the good wife's guide" and it's about the most absurd thing i have ever read in my life. so, i've come up with some revisions that i think you may enjoy. first, i'll put the original suggestion and then follow it with my own. 

1. have dinner ready. plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. this is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of a warm welcome needed.

so you want a nice, warm meal when you get home?? join the club, buddy. while you are out on your "business" lunches, chances are all your wife's had to eat is dropped goldfish off the floor and fruit snacks found wedged between the couch cushions. and on a good day, maybe she had a sandwich that has to be eaten in shifts because that's how we have learned to eat. so you're hungry, are ya?? maybe you should have hit kfc on the way home!

2. prepare yourself. take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. he has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

oh, my. i don't know where to start on this one. your wife is lucky to get a bath/shower most days...you are lucky she's wearing deoderant. and that's a good day. you seriously expect her to throw on some make-up? that's just a waste of time and product. and put a ribbon in her hair. her hair probably hadn't been washed in days...the ribbon wouldn't even stay in due to the grease built-up. fresh-looking?? the only thing fresh will be the sweat dripping from her forehead. you men sit around, pants unbuttoned, hand down pants, farting and burping on the couch constantly...but you want us pretty faced and "fresh" looking. yea. don't hold your breath.

3. be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. his boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

uh...duties?? now, we have duties?? what does that even mean? 

4. clear away the clutter. make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

i'm not sure how it is in your house, but i'm picking up clutter all day long. just to have my husband come in and throw his own clutter into the mix. so if he trips over a few toys on his way in the door, so be it.

5. gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

yea, i'll get right on that. because god knows, a dusty table is such an eye sore for a man.

6. over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. after all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

a haven of rest and order??? this ain't a spa. there is no rest and order with children. period. and i'll get my immense personal satisfaction from a new pair of shoes, thank you.

7. prepare the children. take a few minutes to wash the children't hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. they are little treasures and he would like to them playing the part. minimize the noise. at the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. try to encourage the children to be quiet.

little treasures?? do most little "treasures" eat their own boogers and smear their feces all over the wall??  i mean, how many times do you wash their hands and/or face in a day. now you want me to chase them down just so they can be presentable? i don't think so. love 'em clean, love 'em dirty. and as far as the noise...you want peace and quiet? i've been listening to a screaming toddler, elmo counting on t.v., the dishwasher, washing machine, and the phone ringing all day. peace and quiet...not til bedtime. and then if your husband snores, you can't even get any then. atleast you have an office to escape to at work. you know where a stay at home mom's office is...the bathroom. or the closest thing anyway. and even there we can't get any peace. because the toddler wants to do everything with you...pee with you, bathe with you, put their make-up on with you...you want peace and quiet? don't come home.

8. be happy to see him.

oh, we are...now we can pee in peace.

9. greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

this ain't customer service. you want a greeter with a smile...go to wal-mart.

so that's the first half of the list. let the comments (mainly from my husband) begin.

gotta go...can't find my hair ribbon!