little laugh for your monday.....

my mom sent this to me...thought you all might enjoy it...happy monday!!

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months preg nant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't ju st weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

"the good wife's guide".....revised

a while back, i posted this ridiculous article that was supposedly published in a good housekeeping magazine. it is called "the good wife's guide" and it's about the most absurd thing i have ever read in my life. so, i've come up with some revisions that i think you may enjoy. first, i'll put the original suggestion and then follow it with my own. 

1. have dinner ready. plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. this is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of a warm welcome needed.

so you want a nice, warm meal when you get home?? join the club, buddy. while you are out on your "business" lunches, chances are all your wife's had to eat is dropped goldfish off the floor and fruit snacks found wedged between the couch cushions. and on a good day, maybe she had a sandwich that has to be eaten in shifts because that's how we have learned to eat. so you're hungry, are ya?? maybe you should have hit kfc on the way home!

2. prepare yourself. take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. he has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

oh, my. i don't know where to start on this one. your wife is lucky to get a bath/shower most days...you are lucky she's wearing deoderant. and that's a good day. you seriously expect her to throw on some make-up? that's just a waste of time and product. and put a ribbon in her hair. her hair probably hadn't been washed in days...the ribbon wouldn't even stay in due to the grease built-up. fresh-looking?? the only thing fresh will be the sweat dripping from her forehead. you men sit around, pants unbuttoned, hand down pants, farting and burping on the couch constantly...but you want us pretty faced and "fresh" looking. yea. don't hold your breath.

3. be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. his boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

uh...duties?? now, we have duties?? what does that even mean? 

4. clear away the clutter. make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

i'm not sure how it is in your house, but i'm picking up clutter all day long. just to have my husband come in and throw his own clutter into the mix. so if he trips over a few toys on his way in the door, so be it.

5. gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

yea, i'll get right on that. because god knows, a dusty table is such an eye sore for a man.

6. over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. after all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

a haven of rest and order??? this ain't a spa. there is no rest and order with children. period. and i'll get my immense personal satisfaction from a new pair of shoes, thank you.

7. prepare the children. take a few minutes to wash the children't hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. they are little treasures and he would like to them playing the part. minimize the noise. at the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. try to encourage the children to be quiet.

little treasures?? do most little "treasures" eat their own boogers and smear their feces all over the wall??  i mean, how many times do you wash their hands and/or face in a day. now you want me to chase them down just so they can be presentable? i don't think so. love 'em clean, love 'em dirty. and as far as the noise...you want peace and quiet? i've been listening to a screaming toddler, elmo counting on t.v., the dishwasher, washing machine, and the phone ringing all day. peace and quiet...not til bedtime. and then if your husband snores, you can't even get any then. atleast you have an office to escape to at work. you know where a stay at home mom's office is...the bathroom. or the closest thing anyway. and even there we can't get any peace. because the toddler wants to do everything with you...pee with you, bathe with you, put their make-up on with you...you want peace and quiet? don't come home.

8. be happy to see him.

oh, we are...now we can pee in peace.

9. greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

this ain't customer service. you want a greeter with a smile...go to wal-mart.

so that's the first half of the list. let the comments (mainly from my husband) begin.

gotta go...can't find my hair ribbon!

zits, frequent urination, a mighty fine burger and norbit

if i needed any more confirmation that i was with child, i got it this past week...all over my face. my face is sooo broken out it's disgusting. i like look a pre-teen on the verge of puberty. i do remember breaking out when i was pregnant with blake~but i was so young. and i didn't break out with mackenzie. this is ridiculous. and i don't remember having to go to the bathroom so often this early in the pregnancy. seems i can't make it from point a to point b without having to pee. i don't understand all those women who talk about how they loved being pregnant. the only good thing i can think of is feeling the baby move~but that doesn't out weigh all the negative..atleast not for me.

so my trainer, of all people, had told me about this place i had to try called "mighty fine burger." i was over by it today so i tried it out. oh. my. gosh. it was amazing. the burger was so good...and the fries...they were homemade and soooo greasy...just the kind of stuff that i've been craving. it was a mighty fine burger, indeed. and something that really impressed me was their bathroom~which of course, i had to use during the whopping 20 minutes i was there. it wasn't just clean, it was fancy. and this is not a fancy place...the concept is pretty simple. long picnic, style tables, self-serve drink station, etc. but the bathroom had the prettiest light fixtures, faux granite counter tops...if it weren't for the stalls, i would think i was in a friend's bathroom. it was that nice. i'm not sure if they are just in austin or what. but if you get a chance, it's definately worth going...and check out the john.

mackenzie has a new favorite movie and you'll never guess what it is...well, you probably will since i put it in the title. it's "norbit." yes, the movie with eddie murphy. she absolutely loves it...watches it all the time. we watched it for the first time probably about a year ago and she happened to be laying down with us. she couldn't take her eyes off of it. then, not too long ago, we caught it on cable~or i should say, cory did~i don't watch crap like that...i'm too busy watching crap like "rock of love" and "the bachelor." and she's been hooked on it ever since. i even had to buy it at target the other day...she saw it and was not gonna let it go. but all toddlers like eddie murphy, right?

so that's what's happening around here.  gotta go pee! happy tuesday!

yup, i'm pregnant...

so i was at heb today getting some groceries and i was getting some meat from the deli. as always, they had some samples available. it was some cajun roast beef and baby swiss cheese, cut into small cubes. i helped myself and i swear it was the best thing i had ever eaten..so i ordered some to take home....while helping myself to some more of the samples. hey, as much money as i spend in there, i should be able to eat that whole tray with no judgement!! i take my meat and cheese and finish my shopping. all the while, i keep thinking about that roast beef and cheese. this is how i am when i'm pregnant~once i get something in my head that sounds good, i have to have it...RIGHT THEN! so i hurry up and finish up, check out, and get to the car. i grab the bag with the magic meat and cheese and tear it open. i grab a slice of meat and a slice of cheese...and these aren't small slices. i roll it up, like a wrap, minus the tortilla, and chow down, while driving down the street. it was soooo fat and soooooo good. now, i like roast beef and swiss cheese..however, i don't believe i have ever CRAVED them quite like this. they tasted wonderful.

so if i was in any denial about being pregnant, it's over now. as if that wasn't enough, this morning when i stopped at the cleaners, the sweet girl that works there~who i had told i was pregnant (i feel the more people i tell, the faster it will sink in~i've told total strangers)~got down to eye-belly level and said, "yup, i can see it a little bit." what????? that's news to me!! although they do say that with each pregnancy, you show quicker and considering this is my third child, i was probably showing the morning after conception.

and i'm craving all the things i have been so good about giving up...greasy fast-food hamburgers~more specifically mcdonald's quarter pounder with cheese~cupcakes, and any kind of cobbler with vanilla ice cream. so it probably wasn't a baby bump the girls was seeing...i'm probably just putting on fat from all the crap i'm eating. but, the baby wants what the baby wants.

so if you see me driving down the road, juggling a piece of roast beef and a cupcake, you'll know why. i'm pregnant.

panic, aisle 4....part two

so, to pick up where we left off, i was having a full-on panic attack at target over the thought of having another baby. so i moved from shock to panic in one week.  the rational part of my brain knows that this is not impossible...i know people that are doing it right now...and make it look easy. i'm the last one out of my group of about 12 friends to get pregnant with their second...although this is actually my third...well, third pregnancy, fourth child. but there were 12 long years between my pregnancies...blake was full functioning by the time mac came along. i've never experienced two toddlers before. just the thought makes my head hurt and makes me want to take a nap. a really long nap. just today, i took mac to watch blake play basketball. between trying to keep her off of the court she so desparately wanted to get on and having her dive into a huge mud pile outside, i was about to pull my hair out. she was covered in mud~deja vu of the shit escapade the other day~so i had to take her into the bathroom and practically bathe her in the sink before i could put her in the car. now what would that scene have been like if i had a baby, too?? my headache just got worse. much worse. 

i know i need to snap out of this...it is what it is and it's time to deal. 

and to make matters worse, i guess i couldn't get lucky and have 3 pregnancies that did not involve nausea. i have been feeling sick to my stomach for several days now. i'm not throwing up..it's just a constant queaziness. lovely.

i'm sure excitement is just on the horizon....it's gotta be....right??

panic, aisle 4....

so i'm at target on thursday~which let me say, is the BEST store on the planet..where else can you pick up a cute outfit and dinner at the same place. this whole pregnancy thing has been strange~it's like there are several stages of emotions...so far, mainly it has been shock. everyone keeps asking the same question,"are you excited??" well, not yet. that might seem ungrateful or cold but it's just the truth. so while i'm at target i pass the maternity clothes...now, they happened to be right next to the work out clothes. so i start to get upset that i've been working my ass off to get in shape...i've been so excited about my summer clothes fitting so much better this year than last...and now, i'll be living in these tents they call shirts for several months...ugh. no matter how cuter they make maternity clothes nowadays, they get all stretched out and gross. so i start feeling myself getting real bitter...i decided to go browse the cute baby stuff...maybe that will help jump start the excitement everyone has been looking for. so i'm looking around and all the adorable things when i spot the diaper bags...all of a sudden...panic. i start thinking, if i'm having another baby, do i carry two diaper bags now?? do i carry two small ones?? one small, one medium?? forgo a purse, and carry one huge ass diaper bag?? i can feel my face turning red and hot and the room started spinning~okay, that might be a little dramatic, but give me a break...i'm pregnant!! so i exit the baby gear and decide to go look at the cute baby clothes..no matter what you think about babies, there clothes are soooo adorable. so i spot the little boy clothes and again, panic. what if this is a boy??? i have all girls clothes...i'll need all new clothes!! what if it's twins?? oh. my. this was too much. i had to exit before i spun out of control and caused a big scene. and i can't be causing a big scene and getting myself banned from target. talk about crisis.

ok....my friend dana just got here...

to be continued....

the pregnant "man"....

so unless you live under a rock~or don't watch as much t.v. as i do or read people magazine religiously~you have heard about the pregnant "man." now i say man, but in the physical sense, he/she is still a woman. quick background: was born a woman, began transtitioning to be man in his twenties, married a woman who could not have kids due to a hysterectomy, got a donor, and decided to have baby himself. now let me just say that i'm supportive of this...i try not to judge. if this is what they choose to do, great. god knows, there are many, many people out there who don't deserve kids and have no business having them...so if these people can love a child and give it a great, loving home then more power to them. but my thing is, this man has lived as a woman, physically, for over 30 years. therefore, he has experienced menstrual cycle and the ever-so-wonderful, menstrual cramp...which let's face it, it's no labor pain, but still more than most men we know could handle. so here's my thought: if it were up to my husband to procreate in this house...it would not happen. period. end of discussion. no way. no how. never. my husband once told me that if he saw a drop of blood come from his penis, he would run down the street screaming, proclaiming that he was dying. and i don't believe that he was exaggerating or kidding. he gets a sinus infection and wants to visit the e.r. no joke. there is no way in hell i could convince him to have a child. even with all the good drugs you get to take...he wouldn't even consider it. yeah, i've heard men say, "well, if i could carry the baby, i would." bullshit...total bullshit. they just say that because they know there is no way in hell that could ever happen!! now, my husband will read this blog, call me and say something like this, "i would do it. i could do it. no problem." all they while knowing that he is full of shit..i have a pretty low pain tolerance and i think his might be a few nothces below mine. i remember when i was about to pop with mac, he would look at my stomach and say, "that just looks like it hurts." you think? and no matter how uncomfortable you are in those last months, it's nothing compared to being on your back, feet in the stirrups, trying to squeeze a watermelon out of a hole that's just used to secrete liquids!! there is no way my husband is having any of that..i don't care what he says.

so, to the pregnant "man" i say, good luck. it will be interesting to see if decides to do it again..i think he'll be playing the "man" card in no time.