adventures of a domestic diva...

oh, baby.

2011-05-13T15:10:00.002-05:00

the national geographic channel has a show called "taboo" that features certain topics that are socially, well, taboo. this little doozy aired recently and while i didn't see the whole episode, i heard a little about it on the radio and found this video...prepare yourself...

what. a. freak. show. i'm not sure where to begin. for one, who knew they made onesies in men's size 3-XL? there is no male on this planet that should even consider footie, onsie pj's past the age of 5..maybe 6. two, can you even imagine what a grown, 300 pound man's dirty diaper smells like?? i know that layton is 2 1/2 and it's getting worse by the day. and, i believe that if you are capable of BUILDING your own crib, you are much too old to be SLEEPING in one. and going to lowe's to buy lumber to make his own high chair?? and what's up with this woman that she's willing to take care of this jack ass?? pacifiers, bottles, toys, a reinforced play-pen to hold is big ass..this guy didn't miss a beat and what exactly is in those bottles because this guy sure ain't missing any meals.

the technial term for this is infantilism..however, i think it's just a fancy word for LAZY. i mean, this guy doesn't even want to be bothered to go to the bathroom on a toilet or wipe his own ass. call is what you want, but this guy is L-A-Z-Y.

so, please, share you thoughts on this. did anyone see the whole thing?? i'm dying to see all of it!!

holy botox, batman!

2011-05-10T15:41:00.002-05:00

you know i love me some real housewives and the oc gang never disappoints. is it just me or is this season just getting crazier by the episode?? let's review..

alexis~holy, codependent! she has a major nervous breakdown because she is attending a dinner party without her husband??!! really??

locking herself in a bathroom, crying?? OMG! i'm pretty sure, Jesus, himself, would encourage her to grow a pair. and what about the poor guy she brought and then left at the table..ALONE! the look on his face is priceless. like, "what the hell has that bitch gotten me into?? oh no she d-idn't.."

tamra~now, i love me some tamra. she's got some balls on her. anyone that would proclaim herself that hottest housewife right out of the gate is going to bring the D-R-A-M-A. but her little scene in the bathtub, waiting for her man?! what was that?? and i love how he guzzled down that wine before he climbed in that tub. mentally preparing himself, perhaps??

wonder what simon thought about that??

MOM...

2011-05-07T15:41:00.010-05:00

with mother's day being tomorrow, i thought this would be a good opportunity to write a little something to each one of the people that call me MOM. and a little something for the wonderful woman who gave me life...

ashlen~WOW! that pretty much sums up the impact you have had on my life...i realize i've only been in your life since you were the ripe old age of 12 but it feels like so much longer. i am so very, very, unbelievably proud of the woman you have become. i have thought this since i very first met you: you are one of the strongest people i know. i've always been envious of your strength and courage. i can not wait to see what the future holds for you. you will do great things. you have done great things. and you are beautiful both inside and out. i couldn't love you anymore if i had shot you out of my vagina. oops. TMI?? i love you and miss you more and more every day.

blake~looking back, i really feel like we raised each other. i have learned just as much-probably more-from you than i have taught you. you are an incredible young man..but will always be my baby boy. i admire your big heart and your sensitive nature. you can light up a room with that big smile of yours. i've been trying to mentally prepare myself for this time next year when you get ready to leave and start the next chapter of your life. it's not working. i will miss you terribly. for so long, it was just me and you. and i will never forget those times. you kept me going and everything i've ever done, has been for you. i love you more than words.

mackenzie~i don't even know where to start. from birth, you have amazed me. you are smart, funny, and have managed to become a teenager wrapped in a little bitty package. your spirit is like no other. you can make me laugh, cry and scream all at the same time! that's some talent! i can't wait to see what great things you are going to do. i do know that whatever it is, you will give it 110%. and will always keep all of us on our toes while doing it!! i love you more than the sky, mackie!

layton~you stole my heart. i will never forget the feeling of emptiness i had when i had to leave you at the hospital. or the gut-wrenching day they took you back to have heart surgery. i have never felt so helpless in my life. fast forward 2 1/2 years later and you are such a big boy...so sweet. when you look at me and say, "hi, mama." i truly melt. your daddy says that you have my number and i think he's right. i am putty in your hands. that toothy grin gets me everytime. you are my little miracle. i love you more than anything in this world!

and last but surely not least....

to my mother~i could not have asked for a better role model. you have always been there and supported me no matter what. the sacrifices you have made have not gone unnoticed and will never be forgotten. your strength and tenacity are unbelievable. i am so proud to call you mom and thank you for always being there to talk, listen or agree with me...even if i'm wrong! i love you.

happy mother's day to all the mom's out there! enjoy your day!! i know i will!!

AMEN...

2011-04-26T16:09:00.003-05:00

so, last wednesday, the alarm went off at 4:45 and i dragged my tired ass to spin class at 5:30. i go to spin class monday, wednesday, and friday at 5:30 am. AM. let me repeat that, AM. i've been doing it for a while now so i'm actually pretty used to it but i'm still pretty damn tired when i climb on the bike. i don't listen to my own music because they play music in the studio and you need to be able to hear the instructor when it's time to add gear, speed up/down, etc.. and normally, the music selection is okay...pretty upbeat.

until..it wasn't.

last wednesday, the instructor~who is the usual instructor for wednesday morning, was feeling very, uh....spriritual? yeah, that's a good word for it. she started by playing christian music. now let me say this before you get your panties in a wad: I RESPECT A PERSON'S CHOICE TO LISTEN TO WHATEVER MUSIC THEY LIKE. i, however, do not like christian music. i never have. and i really don't like it when i'm trying to climb a big, ass imaginary hill in spin class. i'm sorry. not gonna work for me.

after contemplating leaving half way through because i was dying to hear some metallica, eminem, the killers, ANYTHING but what was playing...i decided to stay and tough it out. i, mean, how worse can it get. right?

a lot.

the instructor proceeded to explain that this particular spiritual song reminded her of losing her mother. to a stroke. she even started crying. not to sound insensitive, but DAMN. are you kidding me right now?? what do you do with THAT??

what happened next can be summed up in two words: JOSH. GROBIN. yes, THAT josh grobin. and you all know the song.

so while josh grobin was being all raised up, the instructor began to talk about her infertility issues.

needless to say, i left there wanting to go home, eat my weight in chocolate, curl up in the fetal position while listening to patsy cline.

here's hoping tomorrow doesn't bring tales of doom and gloom.

because 5:30 is early, ya'll.

i can't even come up with a title that would do this justice....

2011-03-17T09:59:00.002-06:00

so everyone knows i like trashy t.v. i will pretty much watch anything. my brother and sister-in-law were here last weekend and asked me if i had seen "the wild and wonderful whites of west virginia." i had not. he explained to me that it was a documentary about some hillbillies in west virginia and that i HAD to see it. so i searched the guide and recorded the next showing which was tuesday night on the movie channel. cory and i sat down to watch it last night. i was really curious because my brother had already texted me earlier in the day to ask if i had watched it.

holy. shitballs.

i don't even know where to start. first of all, if you haven't seen it, WATCH IT. NOW. it is a train wreck. no it's beyond that. it's a train wreck times a million. how these people do not have their own reality show is beyond me. here is the trailer for this fun, family, flick...

you may think you know white trash. you don't. unless you know THESE people. they take family dysfunction to a whole new, trashy level. you can't stop watching. and just when you think you've met the craziest one..BAM..they hit you with another one that is more nutty than the one before.

the most infamous, i believe, is jesco white. he smokes, drinks, does drugs....and tap dances. yes. tap dances. he also has a pretty tattoo of elvis and charles manson on his back. he feels that those two personalities best describes HIS personality. need i say more??

i don't really want to talk anymore about the film because you must watch it yourself. i can't do it justice. so go watch it. and then come back and leave your comments.

make sure your kids are NOT in the room.

i did check and it's available on netflix. it is also on the movie channel sunday night at 10:40.

so forget charlie sheen for two seconds and check them out. they have definitely cornered the market on CRAZY.

anyone speak african??? anyone??

2011-03-07T10:02:00.002-06:00

so you heard the story of the non-proposal. however, long before i basically proposed to myself, cory and i had discussions on what type of wedding we wanted. he made it perfectly clear that he didn't care to have a wedding at all. **crickets**
not have a wedding?? no way! i've never done this before. i plan on it being my only one. we were SO having a wedding. and then the compromise was made: we would have a wedding IF there was a honeymoon in africa to follow. ok. no problem. where are my bride's magazines??

so we did not take said honeymoon after the wedding. it was october and we had two kids in school. and then before i knew it, i was pregnant with mackenzie...NOT until march for all you people that are frantically doing the math.

so fast forward to 2010, and he comes to me and says he's going to africa with his buddy, brent. ok. have fun. see you later. don't get killed by a cape buffalo. or malaria. it didn't hurt my feelings that he was taking OUR honeymoon without me. then came the talk of me going with him. it took some convincing but finally i agreed. so while i was mentally preparing myself to go watch my husband stalk and kill the most dangerous animal on the planet, i was told by brent that i should wait and go next year when his wife was going. there would be a resort. and a pool. SOLD. so africa was off the table for me. this was in october.

i guess the guilt of taking our honeymoon without his blushing bride was starting to get to cory and he started asking me to go AGAIN. so after turning him down several times, it dawned on me yesterday...why the hell not??? this is a once and a lifetime opportunity to see a part of the world i've never seen. never even thought about seeing, for that matter. and although i don't hunt, i do enjoy watching him get such a high off of killing poor, defenseless animals. BUT...these are not poor, defenseless animals. these are cape buffalo, which FYI, you better kill the first time you shoot it because it turns the tables quick and comes after YOU. and alligators. or crocodiles. whatever. you get the point. I will be the poor defenseless creature. so i said what the hell, i'm in! my decision had nothing to do with the fact that at that particular time, i was telling layton for the third time in thirty minutes to put his pants back on. but 10-12 days with no kids?? AND an added bonus: our babysitter who will be keeping the kids has promised to potty train layton while we are gone!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not certain, but i'm pretty sure, at that particular moment when she spoke those words, i could hear angels singing HALLELUJAH!!!!!

so i'm going to africa in june. i would love to hear stories if you've been. but NO stories of shit you've seen on the discovery channel of safaris gone bad or anything like that. my imagination is wild enough.

i hope to come back doing that "clicking" thing they do when they speak....

off to find a book on the lower zambezi valley...

do yo think they have WI-FI?? or starbucks??

just a few things you never knew you wanted to know about me...

2011-02-28T16:52:00.002-06:00

one of my favorite sections of US weekly is where a celebrity gives a list of things about themselves. just random things. soooo, i thought i'd let you in on a few things about me. TOTALLY random things.

1. i truly believe i have an addiction to target. and it is an addiction i do not wish to seek treatment to cure.

2. i never, ever drink coke at home or when i go out to eat. however, i am a huge sucker for a coke from sonic. it just tastes better.

3. if you read my last blog about my non-proposal story, i should have mentioned that my husband told me he thought that i would have picked a watch when he took me in the jewelry store. sucka!

4. i don't really understand when people say, "i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy." i, personally, would only call one person my true enemy. no..i won't reveal who that person is on here..those that truly know me can probably guess who. but there really isn't anything short of horrendous i wouldn't wish on her/him. yes, i know..karma and all that. but whatever. i feel that strongly about it.

5. i have never had, nor do i think i ever will have baby fever. i've never looked at a newborn and longed to have one again. in fact, the newborn days SUCK. (yes, i LOVE my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world..but stick a fork in me cuz i'm D-O-N-E.

6. i try to be the kind of friend that i want to have. i have many dear friends that i see and talk to all the time. but i also have a few very dear friends that i can go weeks/months without seeing or speaking to... but when we do, it feels like no time has passed.

7. i would love to write a book. not sure what type. hopefully one day.

8. my toenails are ALWAYS painted. they may not always look freshly pedicured but always polished.

9. i love working out. i feel that it is crucial to my mental stability as well as my physical health. it just makes me feel normal.

10. i'm not a big music person. it's not that i dislike music but i would rather watch t.v. any day.

11. i'm a huge words with friends player...the fad has not faded for me yet.

12. everyone should have a list of celebs that you would hook-up with if your significant other gave you a free pass. share it with your girlfriends and have them tell you theirs. it's fun to hear all the different types of people!

13. if i were put on a stranded island and could only have one thing to eat, i would want chips and a really, really good hot sauce. i could live on the stuff. seriously.

14. i don't understand when you smile at a stranger and they don't smile back.

15. my all time favor tie song is "sweet child of mine" by guns-n-roses.

16. i don't understand when people say they have no regrets. don't get me wrong, i don't believe in dwelling on past mistakes, but doesn't everyone have things they wish they would not have done? or things they wouldn't have said?

17. the first concert i ever went to was shawn cassidy. can't tell you what he sang. i just thought i was cool because my mom took me to a concert.

18. i'll watch a comedy over a chic flick any day. give me dumb and dumber over pretty woman.

19. i really want to learn to play golf. but do not want my husband to teach me. can you say D-I-V-O-R-C-E?

20. i'm a huge kathy griffin fan. i've seen her twice and will see her every time she comes to austin. LOVE her.

21. i just recently got a tattoo with my mom. she wanted one for her 60th birthday. i got a stitched heart on my ankle in honor of layton..who had heart surgery when he was born. it means a lot to me. escpecially when layton points to it and says, "pretty."

22. my other tattoo is an eternity symbol on my lower back. cory and i got matching ones one year on new years day.

now, tell me some random things about YOU....

GO!

a non-romantic love story...

2011-02-26T21:45:00.003-06:00

my husband is not a romantic person...i LOVE him more than anything and i'm so glad that i'm married to him but when it comes to the romance department...not a lot going on. perfect example: our engagement story. oh, wait. there ISN"T one. it went a little something like this...

i started seeing cory in april of 2002. moved to austin with him in august of 2002. fast, i know. but it was obviously meant to be. so fast forward to christmas ever 2003. we are in ft. worth for christmas. he takes me to a jewelry store and tells me to pick out anything i want. i had already been in this particular jewelry store because he had been so kind to buy me some earrings awhile back. when i went in to get said earrings, i spotted a beautiful, antique engagement ring. so, when i cam in on that christmas eve and it was still there, i thought it was fate....not really. luck. just pure luck. let's not make this sound romantic. so, of course, i pounced on it. like a lion on a...whatever it is they pounce on.

cory: "you sure this is what you want?"

me: "yes."

and that was it. we went to my grandma's for christmas eve and it was just assumed that we were getting married. well, it was assumed because i kind of told everyone that we were. i mean, i moved to austin with him. we had an understanding that marriage was to come eventually. and by we, i mean I, had an understanding. so wedding plans began and the next october we were married. there was no down on one knee, will you marry me, i'd be honored if you'd be my wife. nothing. not even a you wanna get hitched or what??? that's probably more along the lines of how it would have been had there been an actual proposal.

but the thing is, i don't think i expected some big romantic gesture from him. he's just not THAT guy. not that there's anything wrong with THAT guy. but when your guys isn't that way, you just don't expect it. and frankly, i don't want it. if he busted out with some romantic, rose petal shit..i' d probably just laugh. it's just not who WE are as a couple. i get that. and because i do, i'm never disappointed. this picture shows just how romantic he is. or isn't.

love ya, babe.

and i'll take "dutch ovens" over rose petals anyday.

real housewives of....what the HELL is that??

2011-02-24T18:49:00.004-06:00

i love all the "real housewives" franchises...some more than others but they are all must see t.v for me. so when the new batch of "housewives" from miami were introduced this week, of course, i was glued to the t.v. from the beginning it was a lot of the same things we've seen before...people with lots of money, talking about how much money they have and obnoxious womens with fake boobs talking about how much they work out to stay looking so good. yada, yada, yada... then, all of a sudden, i almost shot wine through my nose when i saw THIS:

>

what. the. holy. hell. is. that??????? is that a woman? is that a cat? is it a cat-woman?? i've never seen anything so strange/ridiculous/scary in my life!! who was her plastic surgeon?? edward scissorhands? freddy krueger? and did he work in the dark? and blind-folded?? and on CRACK??? that was enough to give me nightmares, ya'll.

and like all the other "housewives"...how are these women housewives?? let me tell you about housewives. me and three other housewives just took 8~yes, 8~kids to eat at denny's at five o'clock today because kids eat free on thursdays. they could not wait for us to get out of there. i'm pretty sure that "kids eat free thursdays" will be a thing of the past after today.

THAT is what REAL housewives do.

well, THAT, and drink lots of wine...while watching "real housewives."

helllloooooooo....

2011-02-23T10:45:00.002-06:00

WOW!! have i fallen off the wagon or what??? i can't believe it has been over a year since i've been on here! i would love to say that my time away has been spent helping to cure cancer, feeding the homeless or something way more exciting than my reality. but i felt the need to blog today so here. i. am.

i'm actually sitting here in barnes and noble having some coffee and realized that this is a GREAT place to people watch! talk about an eccentric group. the first to catch my roaming eye was a group of senior men in the cafe area...probably like 8-10 of them. they are all gathered around the small tables, drinking their coffee and chatting away like a bunch of girls! it's like a GNO...but it's in the morning...and they are men...and old. what's really interesting is that there is a young man dead center of all of it..he looks like he's probably in his late teens, early twenties and he looks absolutely LOST. like he's been dropped on another planet or something. poor guy. hope he's learning something.

next up, the creepy guy. oh...you know what i'm talking about. there's always that one guy lurking through the aisles..not really looking for anything in particular...just looking. he was just sitting near me over by the magazine rack. just sitting looking at a magazine. i tried very hard to see which one but had no luck. by the way he was dressed i thought he might be homeless but his huge starbucks made me think otherwise. not sure why...i don't see a homeless guy buying a starbucks. he has now gotten up and continued lurking. creeeeepppyyyyy.

and of course, there are all the young mothers bringing their kids to story time. but one grandma particularly caught my eye. and ears. she was pushing, what i presume to be her grandson in the stroller, and was talking on her cell...VERY LOUDLY. have you ever noticed that some older people do that?? they think they have to speak louder when on a cell phone?? meanwhile, the child was screaming away and she wasn't even phased..not sure if she could even hear him over own voice.

i wonder how many people come in here and buy nothing?? i see a lot of people grab a book or magazine, take a seat, read awhile, put it up and they are outta here. is that okay?? can you do that? or do you need to go to a library for such behavior?? thoughts?? anyone??

we know have a man in the magazine section that is a cross between kenny rogers and willie nelson...gray hair and beard but long braided pony tail.

well, we could do this all day.

i wonder if someone is watching me right now??

or you??

happy people watching!!

these never get old....

2009-12-08T16:25:00.002-06:00

FYI: getting to second base with the sales girl will NOT get you a discount

2009-12-02T20:55:00.003-06:00

so you know those days where everything seems to go your way...sun is shining, birds are singing, you hit all the green lights, etc..well, this was NOT one of THOSE days. this was the exact opposite of one of those days...in fact, this day would be THAT day's ugly stepsister...you know the mean, ugly one that nobody likes. yeah. THAT one. it all actually started the night before or monday evening around 6:39...okay, i don't know for sure that it was 6:39 but for dramatic effect, let's go with it. i spilled a glass of wine on my laptop. now, any other time, i would be crying over spilled wine and if it would have spilled on anything else, that would have been the case this particular time. but this was my laptop...my LAPTOP...my means of escaping to the world of TMZ, perez hilton, reading the adventures of my favorite bloggers and FACEBOOK!!!! OMG...what did we do before facebook?? i shutter to think of such a time...i quickly dumped off the excess liquid, just praying that it hadn't gotten any further than the surface. after drying it off, everything seemed to be ok...WHEW! crisis everted.

or so i thought.....

so a few hours later, i settled in to check one last time before going to bed, what was happening with tiger woods and the "alleged" beating of his ass by his wife~which by the way..LOVE it...i mean, being chased with a golf club?? talk about the irony..
that's when my laptop startd going all "exorcist" on me...screen was blinking on and off, i'd try to click on something and it would take me somewhere totally different, and the delete key wasn't working. or the A. or ENTER. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the next few minutes were like a scene from "grey's anatomy"....i was like a doctor trying to save my dying patient...i was wishing for some of those paddles to i could, i don't know, shock it or something. that always seems to work. so after several attempts to gain control of the situation, i decided to shut it down for the night...hopefully, it was just a little pissed off and after sleeping it off, it would be fine in the morning...

so i woke up early the next morning to go workout and i had to check out the situation before leaving for the gym. no change. i immediately went to the apple website on my phone to schedule an appointment at the genius bar ASAP. i got one for 10:15.
i dropped mac off at school and layton and i headed to see if a "genius" could bring my baby back to life. long story short, the repairs would be over $1000 and i would be better off buying a new one. soooo not what i wanted to hear. i packed my laptop back up and left the store feeling defeated...very defeated. i immediately started thinking what kind and how many sexual favors it was going to take to score me a new laptop...hmmmmmm...

next stop, getting fitted for new bras. it had been a while since i had been measured and bought some new ones so i figured maybe that would cheer me up. after telling the sales girl that i needed to be measured she ushers me in to the dressing room. now if memory serves me correctly, the last time i had been measured, the girl did it over my shirt. this one instructed me to remove my shirt. oooookkkkkkk....so i did. she did her thing and her measurements confirmed that i was still a 34B. alrighty then. she then went to grab some for me to try on. she quickly returns and started telling me a little about each one...yada, yada, yada. she hands me one and says "let's try this one on first." i paused and waited for her to, i don't know, LEAVE THE ROOM. it didn't take me too long to realize she wasn't going ANYWHERE. we were headed in to this thing TOGETHER. this girl took customer "service" to a whole new level. she told me to face the mirrors with my back to her and put my arms out in front of me. she slipped the bra through my arms and then told me to bend over...yes, you heard me, BEND OVER...and, i quote, "get everything all in." what?? what's "everything?" it's not like i'm wrestling a couple of double d's here. but i did as i was told. she hooked me up and started doing her thang...checking the fit, adjusting the straps. and that's when she said what NO woman wants to hear: "i think you need to go DOWN a cup size." i mean, honestly, i had been thinking for some time that i could probably wear an A cup, but i never, ever said it out loud. heaven forbid! but now it was CONFIRMED. i. have. no. boobs. none. zero. zilch. nada. she then retreats to go find me my "new" size. yippee. comes back to tell me that one of the ones i had chosen didn't come in that small of a size. well this day just keeps getting better and better. just point me to the training bras, lady....

and just when i thought my day couldn't get any worse, it did. a lot of you know that once you've had a few kids, your bladder is never the same. used to, if i felt i needed to go to the bathroom, i could hold off if need be...no biggie. uh...not anymore. i was unloading the car when i felt the urge to pee. then i REALLY felt the urge. i quickly put layton down and what started out to be a jog turned in to a sprint to the bathroom. if you guessed that i didn't make it and pissed my pants, you'd be correct. not a full on, need a diaper kind of thing but enough i had to change my pants. un-freaking-believable. someone just shoot me now. or give me a glass of wine. or four.

now, you are probably asking yourself, why on earth would she put this out there for everyone to see?? i'll tell you why. because i'm a giver. that's would i do. i give and give and give. and if i can give you an embarassing story that makes you feel better about something REALLY embarrasing that's happened to you, then great. because that's just the kind of person i am. and it is the season for giving. so there...don't say i never gave you anything.

now, PLEASE, i beg you, return the favor and leave me something embarassing about YOU in the comments section. it'll be fun. fun. fun. fun.

and now i must leave you for some "grey's anatomy" and a glass of wine.

and be very thankful that i married an "ass" man.......

atleast that's what he TOLD me....

hmmmmmm...........

i'm thankful for a lot of useless information...that i have found to be WAY useful....

2009-11-26T20:40:00.002-06:00

so this is the time of year to share all the things you are thankful for...and you usually hear the same things from everyone...family, health, friends, yada, yada, yada...and don't get me wrong...i'm WAY thankful for all of those things, too. however, i'd like to lighten the mood a little and share with you some tidbits on a variation of subjects...things that i've learned over the past 35 years. do what you will with the following information...

*you never, EVER get used to the thought of your parental units having sex. i have two siblings, therefore, i believe that my parents have had sex THREE times and THREE times only. period. end of discussion.

*you should never, EVER say the following to anyone at anytime: "oh...my kid will NEVER do (insert whatever here)" i guarantee as soon as you utter those words, your child will either be doing it, about to do it, or has been doing it for awhile. and the ONE person that you don't want to know/see it, will be the only eye witness. trust me.

*i'm pretty sure that if i'm being graded as a parent, i'm failing. i don't think it's a good sign when your soon to be four year old has a bag packed because she's planning on moving out...with her boyfriend.

*there's nothing the day can throw at me that a glass of pinot grigio can't make better

*you will never feel anger like you will when someone hurts your child. they say that you should not hold grudges..it's not healthy. well, hurt my kids and i will NEVER forgive...and i will definately NEVER forget. i'm a firm believer of karma and you will get yours in the end. i'm counting on it...

*i think when people marry their cousins, it's just gross. REALLY gross.

*when your husband surprises you with a nice dinner out, he wants something. and he will try to collect as soon as possible. like in the car. on the way home.

*NEVER purchase one of those sexual coupon books at spencer's thinking it's just a cute stocking stuffer for your husband. he will take them seriously. VERY seriously. and expect to use them. and you will be expected to do it. whatever "it" may be. and no matter how much they are "misplaced" they will always show back up. ALWAYS. if you take to heart any of these things LET IT BE THIS ONE.

*there is always someone that will judge you and the choices you've made. SCREW 'EM. it's that simple.

*it doesn't matter that i know how wrong it is or how many times i've seen it, i will always watch the youtube video of the little person shooting a shotgun and laugh when it knocks him on his ass. EVERY time.

and last but certainly not least...

everytime you think you've got it so bad, just remember, there's someone, somewhere that has it much worse than you do. because they've just walked in on their parents having sex.

happy turkey day! and be thankful for the little things....

the doctors fixed his heart....so he could steal mine...

2009-11-18T15:41:00.003-06:00

today is my baby layton's first birthday...and what a year it's been. if your new around here, you may not know that layton was born with a heart condition that required surgery a week after he was born. it was a very emotional and stressful time for all of us...i totally took for granted having 3 healthy children....and the feeling of leaving the hospital with your new baby. it was gut wrenching to drive away without him with me. i don't wish that feeling on anyone...and there's a few people i really don't like.

i was going to write a long post explaining the whole day that layton was born, the months leading up to it when we found out there was a problem, and the LONG days before, during and after his surgery. but now that i'm on here, i just want to post some pictures to let you know where he was and where he is now.

i'm posting a video that was taken after the breathing tube was removed after surgery...i'm pretty sure he's trying to tell us to get him out of the f'ing hospital. the pictures were taken yesterday at the park where we met with friends to celebrate layton's birthday.

thank you to everyone that has been a part of this journey with us....and happy birthday to my sweet, sweet baby boy.

blake's game

2009-10-10T09:24:00.002-05:00

this is a small clip from the game last night...it was an AWESOME game!!! blake is at the 1:50 mark...

i knew there was a reason i loved nancy grace....

2009-10-07T12:10:00.001-05:00

blake's game

2009-10-02T09:31:00.001-05:00

here is a video clip from the game last night...final score vista ridge 63 georgetown 41. blake had an awesome game...go rangers!

best. commercial. EVER......

2009-09-30T20:31:00.001-05:00

okay, okay...i promise, i'll post something of my own soon! but i just saw this commercial and it's sooooo funny! enjoy!

a funny for your monday....

2009-09-28T12:54:00.002-05:00

most of you have probably seen this because it's been posted on facebook several times. but it is soooo funny!

this makes my vagina hurt.....

2009-09-24T17:16:00.001-05:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

HOW on earth were THESE guys single???

2009-09-24T11:18:00.002-05:00

if you watched "ellen" today then you have already seen this....HUH-larious!

these definately aren't your mom's cartoons....

2009-09-18T15:11:00.002-05:00

with two little ones in the house, we watch a lot of kid's shows. our t.v. goes back and forth between nickelodeon, noggin and the disney channel ALL day long. and one thing i've noticed is that cartoons are definately not what they used to be. anyone remember the smurfs? i LOVED me some smurfs on saturday morning. it never occured to me to find it strange that there was all those male smurfs and just one smurfette. or how come gargimel was always torturing the poor smurfs relentlessly despite the fact that there was only of him and a million and one smurfs. and why were they blue?? anyhoo, back to the cartoons of today. after watching so many of these, i've drawn my own conclusions about some things...consider this a kind of "true hollywood story" on the world of kid's televesion entertainment.

dora the explorer~now, this chic has it figured out...she has learned that all a gal needs is to surround herself with a great group of friends, a token "gay"~you did know that tico, the squirrel is gay, right?? no straight man, i mean, squirrel, could pull off that vest...come on~and a stylish, functional bag can get you through anything life throws at you. her bff, boots, well, the jury is still out on his sexual preference...after all, he does wear red ugg boots...i'm just sayin'

max and ruby~i truly don't understand the appeal of this one. but mackenzie absolutely flips her shit when it's on and i hear that a lot of her friends are the same way. first off, where are these kids parents??? seriously? they live all alone? and what's up with the grandma who pops in every now and then, i guess to make sure they are still alive? is it just me, or does she seem drunk most of the time?? and ruby is such a little beotch...she never lets max speak and never lets him play with his own shit...her and louise are always trying to make him play dress-up or pretend he's a baby. i'm waiting for max to grow a pair and tell his bossy sister to back the f' off. now that's an episode i don't want to miss.

yo gabba gabba~three letters pretty much sums this one up: LSD...whoever came up with that one has taken a lot of it.

sesame street~this one has been around for a LONG time and i've heard a lot of theories out there about how the characters are developed to teach the children about diversity. for example, i've heard that oscar, the grouch, is a homeless person. well, duh. he lives in a trashcan, people. burt and ernie? totally a gay couple. not that there's anything wrong with that. the count? totally a major case of OCD. all that counting and the numbers!! it's madness! cookie monster? obviously suffering from an eating disorder. big bird? schizophrenic...NO one else can see snuffy??? totally makes sense, doesn't it??

spongebob squarepants~this is a fave in our house right now. mac wants to watch it all the time. i have to say, i don't get this one. i mean, WHAT is he exactly? and is it just me or does squidward look and act like a major drunk?

we've come a long way since bugs bunny...

and the "douchey" goes to....

2009-09-16T21:55:00.002-05:00

wikipedia defines a douche bag as a piece of equipment for douching-a bag for holding the fluid used in douching. HOWEVER, for the sake of this post, douche bag is defined as a man that is a complete idiot, tool, moron, asshole....you get the picture. their should be an awards show that hands out awards~the douchey~to these ass clowns. i've compiled a list of some who's douchey meters were off the charts here recently. and the nominees are:

south carolina governor mark sanford~now many of you may not know this douche bag. he's the south carolina governor who was having an affair with a woman in argentina. now that alone, is pretty douchey, but infidelity seems to be a pre-requisite for a life in politics. but this dumb ass, had the audacity, to explain that he had met his soul mate~the mistress~but was going to try to fall back in love with his wife. now if that didn't make his wife feel all warm and fuzzy inside i don't know what would. if i were his wife, he would have come home to all his shit on the front law...and a one-way ticket to argentina.

congressman joe wilson~this tool actually called the president of the united states a liar~in the middle of his speech. i mean, that's pre-school 101...you don't interrupt the teacher when they are talking. he should have raised his hand like a good little congressman and waited until he was called on to speak. i feel the punishment should fit the crime...he should have had to sit in the corner and think about what he did.

joe jackson~just a few days after losing his son~it may have been the very next day~mr. father of the year was seen at an awards show, plugging upcoming artist on his record label. now, this really shouldn't be much of a shock...he's not exactly know for his outstanding parenting abilities. but COME ON!

kanye west~his latest tirade at the VMAs really shouldn't shock anyone. this long-time douche bag has been known to say some of the most ridiculous things. a few examples:

"george bush doesn't care about black people."

"If I don`t win Album of the Year, I`m gonna have a problem with that... I said I was the face of the Grammys last year. [This year] I`m 10 times that!"

"i realize that my place and position in history is that i will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade."

poor, poor kanye....he should really see someone about that self-esteem problem.

and last but definitely NOT least........

jon gosselin~now, when i first started watching "jon and kate plus 8" i admit that kate seemed pretty bitchy...she was kind of bossy and was a tad bit OCD...but after watching, you realize that she kind of has to be..she's raising 8 kids! and her husband didn't seem to get much of a fire under his ass about anything. still, when they divorced, you expected him to be his usual boring, woe-is-me, self but he has turned into DOUCHE BAG EXTRAORDINAIRE! with those earrings and wearing all that ed hardy crap?? running around with all these different women..announcing on television~that his kids will see someday~that he despises their mother?! say what you want about kate...everyone is dogging her for making all these appearances and trying to make a living...well, yeah, she's a single mom of 8. she's gotta make a living somehow. i say go "team kate" with your reverse, spikey mullet hair-do.

and their you have it...these are the douche bags of the moment..

who would YOU add to the list???

are you there, oprah???

2009-09-16T17:29:00.002-05:00

for those of you that aren't on "crackbook" i had a very exciting afternoon today! i received an email from someone with the "oprah" show who found my blog through google while doing research for an upcoming show. uh, i called her back IMMEDIATELY! and it was a DIRECT line...i wasn't even put on hold! it's the little things, people! anyway, the show is about moms who are in a rut and don't actually enjoy staying home with the kids. after further discussion we decided that wasn't me....i may complain a little....okay....A LOT...but i do love staying home with my kiddos. and most days, i really mean it. but she did say she would keep my information in case they could use me for something else.

sooooooo, now that i know that the divine ms. O is reading...i know that she is not actually reading herself but a girl can dream...or be delusional...right?? anyway, i MUST be more diligent about posting on here!! you never know who's reading!!

so stay tuned for my next post coming straight to you tonight! it's going to be a good one!!

i'm just sayin.........

2009-09-03T17:26:00.000-05:00

ever have days like this????

i'm already working on the rebuttal...

2009-07-14T12:32:00.002-05:00

my father sent this to me...stay tuned for my ideas on classes for men.

Spring Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Tuesday, June 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. ;

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours...

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

oh, yes...the gloves are coming off.

i drink...for my family

2009-07-12T22:05:00.002-05:00

so, i like to drink wine...almost every night. anyone that knows me, this is no news flash. but what you may not know is that i don't drink for myself...that would be selfish. i do it for one simple, loving reason...to keep from killing my entire family. except for layton...he's still so sweet and has not done anything to totally piss me off. yet. okay...that may be a little dramatic, but you get the drift. i do it for my sanity and let's face it, without that, EVERYONE in this house would be miserable. i've been accused of being bitchy lately. duh. i believe the role of mother/driver/maid/chef is the most under appreciated job on the planet. and with being under appreciated, comes a little...okay, a lot, of bitchiness. you hardly ever hear the words "thank you" or "please." you are just expected to do "it." whatever "it" may be. and what sucks is that if you think this way or dare say it out loud, you seem ungrateful for the opportunity to stay at home with your kids...which is not the case. i've been a working mom and missed out on a lot and i'm totally thankful that i get this opportunity now. but damn...sometimes you can't help but feel like the hired help. but there's no paycheck. and no sick days.

cory tried to tell me one time that maybe my bitchiness had something to do with my drinking every night. seriously? does he really want to test that theory. sometimes knowing that my refreshing glass of pinot grigio is waiting for me, is the only thing that gets me through the day.

i was told today by one of my wonderful children that "atleast you don't have a job." oh really?? well, let's just see how he gets his ass to and from football practice and driver's ed tomorrow...after all, it's not like i have a job. this is the same child that i spent all day friday, in the 105 degree heat, watching him play football while wrestling with an almost 8 month old and a 3 1/2 year old that does not seem to understand the word "no." i take that back~she understands it~she just doesn't give a shit. yea...i don't have a JOB.

and no one tells you how hard it's going to be...being a parent.all you hear is all the great things~and there are MANY! i'm thinking of writing a book that tells all the ugly things no one dares tell you when you are planning on having kids. like instead of having someone looking at your pregnant belly and saying, "ahhh, babies are soooo sweet. congratulations." i would say somethinng like, "congratulations. your cute, sweet baby will grow up to be a teenager....and literally suck the life right out of you. good luck with all THAT."

don't get me wrong...i love ALL my kids and wouldn't trade them for the world.

but....a case of pinot grigio....hmmmmmm.....

helloooooo....

2009-06-27T11:45:00.003-05:00

wow! i can't believe i haven't blogged in over a month. this summer is flying by and sometimes i don't know where the time goes. oh. that's right. i've got kids. things at the brewer house are good...not much is going on. oh. i believe that mackenzie is a tween trapped in a toddler's body. she is totally into all that is disney...and i'm not talking mickey mouse, handy manny or pooh. uh, no. i'm talking high school musical, hannah montana, jonas brothers, zach and cody. she sneaks into the bathroom and puts eye shadow on...and it actually doesn't look half bad. she puts it in the right place. she walks around saying "sweet niblets!" which if you've seen hannah montana, you know what i'm talking about. she told me yesterday that harry potter was her boyfriend. alrighty.

let's move on to more important issues. you know. like, jon and kate.

now, i'll admit, at first, i totally sided with jon. kate seemed like real bitch and treated him like shit. but after seeing him with those earrings and looking like ed hardy vomited all over him, he looks absolutely ridiculous. i truly believe he is having an early mid-life crisis. sure, she's bitchy. but she's got 8 freakin' kids. i'm bitchy, and i've only got half that...and two of those are pretty much on their own. i can't imagine how bitchy i'd be with 8 all under the age of 10! CORY~YOUR COMMENTARY ON JUST HOW BITCHY I AM IS NOT NEEDED. THANK YOU.) the woman shot 8 kids out of her vagina. she deserves to be bitchy. and i also believe that she deserves to drink no matter the time of day. without judgement. i have a firm policy that drinking in the AM is completely acceptable as long as it involves juice of some sort...screwdrivers, ok. bloody marys, ok. mimosas, ok. got it? good. let's move on.

kate is also getting a lot of shit for wanting to continue the show. she has 8 kids to support. those 8 kids will probably want to go to college someday. what is she supposed to do to support them? i'm sorry, but even the best stripper can't support 8 kids. give her a break. i've been a single mom with one kid to feed and it ain't easy. and jon doesn't seem to have a fire under his ass to work. her heart seems to be in the right place. and he wants to move to new york??? what a douchebag. and she's getting a lot of flack for spanking her kids...are you kidding me?? thank god cameras don't follow me around all day...that's all i'm sayin'.

micheal and farrah...what a sad day. it's crazy that we are at the age where people that we idolized in our childhood are now dying. it started with john ritter. i was so sad when he died. i loved watching three's company. and i was determined to be a "charlie's angel." and don't even get me started on MJ. i was going to marry micheal jackson. i remember when he came to town for his "thriller" concert and my mom wanted to take me and my brother so badly. she couldn't get tickets but she bought me a white nightgown that said "thriller" in purple glitter. i loved it. my brother and i would camp out in front of the t.v. all day waiting for the "thriller" video to come on. we named our first dog "jackson." so sad.

here are some recent pics of the kiddos. have a great weekend!

happy 1/2 birthday, layton!

2009-05-18T21:25:00.003-05:00

our little layton is 6 months old today! he weighs 17 lbs. and is 27 in. long. he is such a happy, happy baby!!

prom

2009-05-16T20:58:00.003-05:00

well, my sweet, innocent baby boy is at the prom...with a COUGAR. okay..she's just a junior....but still.

mackenzie thought all the girls were princesses...and the top picture is her right after she realized that bubba left with all the other princesses and left his little princess behind.

can't deny this relation...

2009-05-05T16:34:00.002-05:00

the above picture is of layton now~between 5-6 months~and the bottom is of mackenzie at the same age. they look like the same baby!!

but...did she give it to the dog???

2009-04-30T11:45:00.002-05:00

i realize this is a serious situation...but i couldn't resist posting this. i thought this was something new but obviously not.

wash your hands, people! and don't be kissing no pigs.

um...i don't think so, scooter...

2009-04-21T11:04:00.003-05:00

so it was just a normal weekend in the brewer house...parents were in town, ashlen and blake were out and about, little ones were sleeping. before i was about to turn in for the night, cory tells me that blake called and asked if he could spend the night....at a girl's house. uh, come again?? knowing cory, i figured he was only joking, trying to get a rise out of me. he insisted he was telling the truth...blake called and asked if he could spend the night at this girl's house....and her parent's were not home. he said he told him no and to come home. i went to bed still not believing him.

so the next morning, i wake up and my dad tells me that cory told him the same thing last night. oh. shit. maybe he was telling the truth. so about that time blake comes down the stairs and i ask him if he asked to spend the night with a girl last night. he simply nodded yes. HE. JUST. SHOOK, HIS. HEAD. YES. as if i had just asked him if he wanted some freakin' breakfast. but not only did he say yes, he said that he asked the RIGHT person the question. huh??

i was speechless...which is no small feat for me. i didn't say a word...just kind of stared at him thinking, "are you a complete dumbass??" now what boggles my mind is not that he wanted to stay the night at a girl's house whose parents were out of town. i mean, duh. but the fact that he actually called and asked for permission. who does that??? did he really think he'd get a yes??
like cory would say, "absolutely, son...way to go! and don't forget to wear a condom." the scary thing is...i can SO cory saying that. and that scares the shit out of me.

so the whole thing got me thinking. obviously blake did not get the handbook on teenage pre-marital sex. there are certain guidelines one must follow. and here are a few:

first off...your parents may provide protection but are not going to provide the place. you gotta get creative...like the rest of us did. you know, back of the car, and...well...the back of a car. there's no shame in it...i firmly believe that many wonderful, functioning human beings are conceived in the back seats of cars everyday.

second...do not give your mother...your sweet, loving mother who gave you life and still likes to think of you as her little baby boy..a heads-up that you are going to be doing the "wild thang" do you really expect me to be able to sleep knowing that you are "pounding it out" (as my husband so eloquently puts it) just a few blocks away.

and last, but certainly NOT least..I DO NOT WANT TO BE A GRANDMOTHER. OR A NANA. OR A MIMI. I DON'T CARE WHAT CUTESY NAME YOU COME UP WITH..I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. my own mother reminds me how young she was when i made her a grandma. and if you think we get funny looks now when we are out with layon and/or mac, imagine the looks if we had another one calling you, daddy?? ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!!!! HELL, WEAR THREE.

so this is my life now...

cory made the comment the other night that i drink EVERY NIGHT.

well, no shit.

do you blame me?

(the title of this blog is actually a line from a "ron white" routine....but my dad used to call blake scooter when he was little...)

mac's first catch...

2009-04-04T21:52:00.002-06:00

mackenzie and cory went fishing on friday and she caught her first fish....actually, she caught two.

please donate to the "i'm a mother of four who needs lots of money for wine" cause...

2009-04-04T21:13:00.004-06:00

so, i've noticed a growing trend...instead of just homeless people standing on the street corner begging for money, there are people, asking for money to support certain causes....people addicted to drugs, battered women, even little league teams. i mean, how are we supposed to know that is where the money is REALLY going??? just because they tell us that? so i figured, if all it takes is a good cause and a bucket, hey, i can do that. in fact, i've got several "causes" near and dear to my heart that i could raise money to support....and here are a few:

my three year old who is supposedly potty trained, decides every now and then to shit her pants...just to keep it interesting. please donate to help keep my pinot grigio adequately stocked.

my teenage son is on a mission to lose his virginity...please donate to help him buy condoms. and me, more wine.

i have to go through the teenage years two more times in my life...please donate to the desparately trying to keep my sanity fund. zoloft ain't free, people. oh, and wine...i need something to wash it down with.

i have a harmless obsession with handbags..and shoes. please donate money to help me get the gucci bag i've had my eye on..neiman's won't let me trade one of the kids...i've asked.

my husband will not stop clipping his toenails into the bathtub. please donate money...scratch that...just donate wine. it helps take the edge off...and keeps me from killing him.

so these are just a few i came up with...what would your "cause" be??

amen, sister...

2009-03-30T14:28:00.001-06:00

i will post something funny for ya later...but this was to good~and true~not to share.

time for another...funny monday!

2009-03-23T20:51:00.001-06:00

i have never heard of this guy but i saw this on "youtube" and he's pretty funny!

enjoy!

layton, the bunny, and a pimpin' hat....

2009-03-21T22:31:00.002-06:00

a funny for your monday....

2009-03-16T09:28:00.002-06:00

since mondays generally suck, i've decided that on mondays, i will post something funny for you to enjoy. today, it is a clip from john caparulo. he is GREAT! i love him....you can see him a lot on "chelsea lately." he is funny, funny, funny! enjoy!

you're welcome.

happy monday!

layton

2009-03-11T14:30:00.002-06:00

happy hump day!

funny for your monday

2009-03-09T15:34:00.000-06:00

i love, love, love chelsea handler!!

happy monday!

um...you do know your pregnant, right???

2009-03-07T07:27:00.003-06:00

so, i headed back to the gym this week. i feel better already and layton did great in the child care area. the ladies loved him and kept talking about how good he was.

so after my workout, i'm stretching in "stretching" area. i look over to my right and there is this super cute pregnant girl...she's looks really good, just looked like she had swallowed a basketball. she was stretching on the floor, just normal stuff...and then, she REALLY started stretching. first, she stood up and started doing hand-stands. hand-stands. let me repeat that, in case you didn't get it the first two times. HAND-STANDS. she was actually going up on her hands and stretching out her legs in a v-shape. she did this several times. i was amazed. i mean, the only stretching i got when i was pregnant was rolling over to reach for my bowl of ice cream. so as if that wasn't enough, next, she did a back bend. A BACK BEND. i know most females will know what that is and for you, males...well, ask a female. she went up in to a back bend and started rocking back and forth. belly sticking up in the air like nobody's business. at this point, i think my jaw hit the floor. did i mention that she was pregnant? knocked up? with child? in the "motherly" way??? i think maybe i should have told her...i'm not sure she got the memo.

i just went to youtube, thinking maybe i could find a video of a pregnant woman doing a back bend. i mean, you can find videos of everything else on there. so i typed in "pregnant woman doing back bend." all i got were a bunch of links to porn videos. THAT'S HOW AMAZING THIS WOMAN IS....ONLY PORN STARS CAN DO THIS SHIT!!!

i don't' even think i can do a back bend right now. the last time i remember doing one was my junior year in high school during gymnastics class. oh, and i almost forgot...she did the splits, too!!!! the freakin' splits! if i didn't know this before, i know it now....i was an extremely lazy pregnant person. just a big ol' pregnant blob.

i'm going to go watch "friday night lights" and remember the days when i, too, could do back bends, hand-stands, and the splits....have a happy saturday!

my kind of president....

2009-03-02T15:11:00.002-06:00

even if you didn't vote for him, you gotta admit...he seems like a cool guy. watching a basketball game, having a beer....love it!

dad, i bet even you would buy him a cold one!

i can relate....

2009-02-28T14:27:00.000-06:00

two posts in one day...

2009-02-28T10:34:00.003-06:00

my husband sent this to me. what do you want to bet that blake/and or jake try this next halloween?

wanna know what i think???

2009-02-28T09:10:00.003-06:00

of course you do....i mean, that's why you read my blog, right? duh. well, you know me...never short on opinions on just about everything. so this is what i'm thinking about certain subjects right now.

*the octo-mom: i'm starting my own website to raise money for her. i feel it's the least i can do. you can find it at www.sewhervaginashut.com.....we will accept cash, checks or paypal. please consider donating...it will be cheaper than helping to support her kids with your tax dollars. since economic times are tough, maybe you could donate your time. i figure, it would take at least 3 or 4 strong females to hold her ass down and 2 of us to do the procedure ourself. a needle, some thread and we are good to go. you know, i watched her interview on dateline, hoping to get a better understanding on her and the decisions she's made. after watching, i came away with this bit of knowledge: the woman is crazier than a shit house rat. and i'm not exactly sure how crazy that is..i hear cory say it about people all the time. and he knows some CRAZY people.

*"friday night lights": for just one hour every week, i wish i was back in high school. but only for an hour. then i come to my senses.

*heidi klum: i heard that someone made the comment that heidi klum is too fat to be on the runway. let me just say, that if heidi klum is too fat for anything, i give up. just give me a chocolate i.v. right now.

*the people in the mall with the dead sea salt scrub: LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO SHOW ME HOW GREAT THIS STUFF WILL MAKE MY NAILS LOOK. IF I HAD TIME TO GIVE MY NAILS ANY ATTENTION, I'D GO GET A REAL MANICURE...WHERE I COULD ACTUALLY SIT AND ENJOY IT. NOT STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL WHILE MY 3 YEARD OLD IS ABOUT TO PULL MY ARM OFF DRAGGING ME TOWARDS THE PLAY AREA. BACK OFF.

*the person who designs the layout of "dillards": what genius decided to put the men's section and the kid's section together in a different part of the mall. how many men do you know take the kid's shopping? really. how many? you may take the kids together, but NEVER does the man take the kids alone. they know better.

*the oscars: everyone made such a big deal about the "brangelina/jennifer anniston red carpet show-down! what did they think was going to happen? jennifer anniston would go up and drop-kick angelina jolie? pull her hair? what? not that she didn't deserve it. and then they make a big deal that jen brought john mayer..it was their first red-carpet appearance together. of course, she brought a date! she was going to be face to face with her ex-husband and the woman he cheated with. i would have brought 3 dates.

*casey anthony: i watched nancy grace last night and they showed video of her brother, lee, giving a deposition where he stated that he still believes everything his sister tells him. until then, i thought SHE was the only crazy one in the family.

*the economy: things are about to turn around. i have nothing concrete to base this. cory has just been saying all along that things will turn around in march. you heard it hear first. you're welcome.

*texas weather: MAKE UP YOUR FREAKIN' MIND! SERIOUSLY...IS IT WINTER OR SPRING? WHO KNOWS.

*facebook: might as well be crack-cocaine. it is that addictive. but it's good for you. not bad. like crack-cocaine. i can't get enough of it. i've even got my mom on it. be her friend. she'll accept you.

*my husband bugging me to have more kids: NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I'LL SEW MY OWN VAGINA UP IF I HAVE TO. I'M SOOOOO D-O-N-E. PERIOD. END OF STORY. THE END.

*my husband's threat to bring in a second wife if i don't have more kids: I WANT NO MORE KIDS IN THIS HOUSE...MINE OR ANYONE ELSE'S. WE ARE D-O-N-E. IF YOU WANTED A LITTER, YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED A DOG.

well, that's all i got right now. feel free to share your opinions with me on these or other topics.

have a great weekend!

just in time for the weekend...

2009-02-19T10:12:00.003-06:00

in honor of my favorite drink, the mexican martini, i give you this public service announcement.

you're welcome.

awesome!

2009-02-11T14:12:00.002-06:00

my great mother-in-law sent these to me in response to my "real housewives" post. they are great!!! and i'm sure my husband is responsible for a lot of them! thanks, pat, for sharing!

Tracie,

When you lose your voice first thing in the morning trying to get the teenagers up and to school. When you get in your car to start the morning carpool you realize someone has had the car out the night before. (Wonder if that is why it was so hard to wake up and which one is guilty.) You pick up the toddler at preschool and the teacher recommends that he just might benefit from a dose of ritlan. The middle schooler comes home from school and has to have supplies right now for a term project that is due tomorrow. (Warning it's going to be a long night.) You finally get dinner on the table and everyone seated - a policeman knocks on the door and says he has a warrant for your arrest for that ticket you got racing home from the grocery store six months ago and promptly forgot. You calmly explain to him you can't possibly go to jail - who would clean the kitchen. Then you think about it - might be a good break.

Pat

wow...

2009-02-09T17:18:00.004-06:00

if you need to get your eyes checked, take this quick test:

thanks, dad!

you may be a REAL housewife....

2009-02-07T17:39:00.002-06:00

like many of you, i watch the real housewives of orange county...actually i watch all of them...new york, atlanta..if there were a real housewives of zimbabwe, yes, i'd watch that, too. as much as i enjoy the show, it really kills me that they call these crazy women housewives. so, in case you are wondering if you fall in the housewife category, i've compiled a list of criteria to help you decide:

you may be a housewife if:

~by the end of the day, if you have not ripped out your hair, forgotten one of your kids at the grocery store~or anywhere for that matter~or had to ask the question, " why didn't you tell mommy you had to poo-poo?"then you have had a highly successful day.

~during the course of any given day, you acquire several stains on your clothing and at least one of them is a bodily fluid...not belonging to you. this could be anything from vomit, poop, urine, etc.

~you secretly daydream about what song you would sing if you auditioned for "american idol"

knowing full well, that you can not sing. AT ALL. that's why they call them day "dreams."

~the thought of going to a restaurant that does not include a kid's meal, can be intoxicating. almost orgasmic. husbands: THINK ABOUT THAT.

~the thought of having an adult conversation at said restaurant that does not include the words: fruit snacks, "you gotta go potty?" or "please stop that." is also orgasmic.

again, husbands: THINK ABOUT THAT.

~you do not know the words to the latest hit songs but can sing every word to the theme song to dora the explorer. and go, diego, go. and backyardigans.

~your drug of choice in the a.m. is caffeine...lots and lots of caffeine. and in the p.m. wine. large amounts of wine. in fact, the FDA should include two new food groups for housewives: coffee and wine.

~you get super excited if you score a package of "chip clips" in the dollar section at target.

~you have actually been so excited about a new box of tupperware, that you opened it up, laid it out on the coffee table and just stared at it. every. last. piece.

~the lady checking you out at walgreens asks if you have your hands full today because you look really tired. bitch.

~you can actually be on the phone, put in a load of laundry, and nurse a baby. ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

~you feel you need to show your husband a power point presentation on why girl's night out is a NECESSITY, NOT A PRIVILEGE.

~a good friday night is several glasses of wine and 20/20. a GREAT friday night is being able to stay awake for an ENTIRE movie.

~you spend a large amount of time assuring your husband that you are very grateful for being able to stay at home, but it is still a job. it is STRESSFUL, EXHAUSTING AND HARD.

~when your baby spits up on you, you don't look for a towel or tissue. anything close will do. that could be the sheet on your bed. or your own shirt. whatever.

~in your purse, you can usually find one or more of the following: a goldfish cracker, some sort of fruit snack and/or a few french fries from a happy meal....that was probably purchased a week ago.

please, send me your comments. let me know what other criteria should be added.

i've got to go pour my first glass of wine and clean out my purse.

it's over...

2009-01-23T15:19:00.003-06:00

layton's surgery went very well....we've been in recovery since about 11:00 and are now in a regular room. they've done a chest x-ray and it looked good. we are probably going home tomorrow and i can't wait!!!

layton's surgery

2009-01-23T09:21:00.003-06:00

we are at texas children's hospital in houston. they took layton back about 7:30 this morning. he was hungry as hell...he hadn't eaten since 11 pm last night....he had some pedialyte at 4:30 am. i was glad when they took him back to put him to sleep so he wouldn't be thinking about being hungry.

we are now in the waiting area...just waiting.

this picture was taken yesterday morning in the hotel room. he is such a happy boy! and he already weighs over 12 pounds!!

sweet baby layton...

2009-01-13T14:57:00.004-06:00

layton is 8 weeks old today....he weighs over 11 pounds and is a happy boy...he's smiling a lot now!

we are going to houston next week for layton to have another procedure on his heart. he has a condition called aortic valve stenosis and they need to go in and balloon up one of his valves. the doctors are very optimistic that things will go very smoothly and they won't need to operate to repair or replace the valve.

please keep us in your prayers. i'll keep everyone posted while we are in houston.

letter to ann coulter....

2009-01-12T15:39:00.005-06:00

please forgive me while i step on my soap box for a bit...

dear ms. coulter,

to the chagrin of some of my friends and in-laws, i have been a fan of yours for awhile now. while i don't always agree with what you say, i always admire the fact that you have the balls to say it. you say what you mean and mean what you say, a quality i admire in any one. after all, you have never said anything that has affected me personally.....until now. your statement about single moms has really pissed me off. i was a single mom for 8 1/2 years until i met my wonderful husband, who also happened to be a single parent. while i will admit that being a single parent is not something that people usually yearn to become but rather it is a situation that a lot of people find themselves in. i take offense to your statement that single mothers are breeding strippers and rapists. if there is one thing i pride myself on, it is my children and they way they have been raised. while our oldest two did not have the advantage of being raised by two loving, responsible parents, i do feel they were raised by the better~by far~of the two options. neither one is a stripper or rapist. they are an 18 year old college student and a 15 year old freshman in high school. they are very kind, loving, respectful people who i'm proud to call mine. one of the best compliments i have received was someone telling me that my kids were a pleasure to be around....that they are very respectful to adults and all around generous people.

it is amazing to me that someone who has no children of her own, has such a strong opinion on how to raise them. while i'm sure there are some strippers, rapists and other criminals that have come from single parent homes, i'm sure there are also some less desirable people that were raised by two parents. where is your research on that one? should a single woman marry man she doesn't not love just because she gets pregnant...just to later divorce, causing more heartache for the child?

again, while i respect your opinions and your courage to speak them no matter how criticized you might be, i personally take offense to this latest tirade of yours.

so, as respectful and dignified as i can be, i say to you, ms. coulter:

suck it.

sincerely,

a former single mother not raising a stripper or a rapist

here is the link to her interview on "the view" and for once, i agree with the ladies....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGbWSfIL1d4

here comes santa claus...

2008-12-21T14:33:00.004-06:00

well, i braved the cold and the crowds today to take the kids to see santa.....and i was so glad i did. they also had a little train that mac got to ride, which she absolutely loved!!

happy sunday!

precious moments....

2008-12-20T12:59:00.003-06:00

cory took this picture before he left for work this morning....layton and i had moved to the couch because cory was snoring and i guess mac decided to join us. i didn't know she was holding is hand. how cute is that??

have a great weekend!

so true...

2008-12-11T15:48:00.002-06:00

my friend, gretchen, sent this to me! she is also a stay-at-home mom. i want to meet this woman~actually both of them. i'd like to shake the writer's hand and share a glass of wine. i'd like to take the woman who wrote it and kick her ass.

enjoy!

getting back to normal...

2008-12-11T15:12:00.002-06:00

things are slowly getting back to normal around here...well, normal for this house anyway! layton is acting like a normal newborn. he eats, sleeps and poops. you'd never know he had heart surgery two weeks ago. i found this picture on cory's phone...i think he took it last night. so cute!

our sweet baby....

2008-12-06T16:34:00.003-06:00

we brought layton home on tuesday...he was two weeks old. he is doing very well. his big sister, mackenzie, can't get enough of him! we are so happy to have him home and healthy.

we could never thank you enough for all your prayers and support. we are truly blessed!

in other brewer news....

2008-11-30T16:33:00.004-06:00

this is the kind of thing that happens in my front yard when i'm not there...yes, that is a deer's head that my precious princess is holding on to...

i expect to hear from the homeowner's association and/or PETA any day now.......

the light at the end of the tunnel...

2008-11-30T16:14:00.003-06:00

big sister holds layton for the first time!
i like to be wrapped up like a burrito!
i'm in a big bed, now!
little brother, meet big brother!
this was him, staring up at his big brother!

we are finally seeing it! layton was moved to the imcu~which is the intermediate care unit~today. he's lost all his tubes and wires except the ones monitoring his blood pressure, pulse ox, and respiration. he is looking so good and the surgeon told cory today that he will probably go home in a few days! i just finished feeding and burping him....two things that a mother takes for granted after awhile...but for me, it was heaven! he is starting to really act like a newborn baby...wants to be held a particular way and let's you know his disapproval otherwise. but even his crying sounds wonderful to me! i can't wait to take him home!!!!

i've posted a few pictures for you...thanks again for all your support!

update...

2008-11-28T15:33:00.002-06:00

they removed layton's chest tube and breathing tube today. they also took the iv out of his head. he looked so relieved to have those taken out. he was awake for over an hour and was very alert. i'm sure it helped to see our faces and hear our voices. his color looks great. he still has some fluid on the lungs but they said that is normal. overall, he is recovering very well. when we left him earlier, he was sleeping and looked so peaceful. i took this picture shortly after the breathing tube was removed.

getting stronger...

2008-11-27T21:11:00.002-06:00

layton came through surgery like a champ...he is recovering in the pediatric intensive care unit. he is on a ventilator but is breathing on his own, too. the breathing machine is helping to keep fluid off of his lungs. they are giving him morphine and he is resting very comfortably.

i can't tell you how difficult it is to see your precious little baby hooked up to all those machines. everytime he opens his eyes, i just want to grab him and run. and while i thought it would get easier leaving him there, it's just getting harder. i can not wait to bring him home. the surgeon told us that he would probably be there a week but if things went well, maybe 4 or 5 days.

thank you again for all your prayers and for all the offers to keep mackenzie. my mother and mother-in-law are here and have been WONDERFUL...they are doing everything from cooking to laundry to looking after mackenzie...which is a full time job!

we will keep you posted on his recovery.

happy thanksgiving!

it's over...

2008-11-26T12:50:00.003-06:00

layton came out of surgery and is doing great...we are still waiting to go back and see him. we can't thank everyone enough for your thoughts and prayers. it's great to know we have such wonderful friends and family to get us through this.

i'll post some pictures as soon as i can get back to take some!

update on surgery....

2008-11-26T11:23:00.002-06:00

we just heard from the nurse and layton's surgery went well and they are closing him up...more details to come as we get them. we are waiting for them to finish and the doctor to come out and talk to us.

keep the prayers coming....i know they are helping!

day before surgery...

2008-11-25T17:28:00.006-06:00

layton is still doing very well...is loving that they are giving him more to eat! they have decided to leave him in the nicu and will take him to surgery in the morning from there. i got to feed him his bottle again today and cory and i both held him. we are cherishing every second we get with him...we are very anxious and nervous about surgery tomorrow. just ready for it to be over.

another good day and more pics.....

2008-11-24T16:36:00.005-06:00

we went to see baby layton today...he had a great night and was very happy that they doubled his milk intake! i got to hold him again which was wonderful and gave him a bottle. we toured the pediatric icu and talked to a nurse who explained to us what we can expect on the day of surgery and the days to follow. we learned all about the chest tube and breathing tube. she prepared us for what he'll look like after the surgery....he'll more than likely be puffy/swollen, eyes may be swollen shut and he will be restrained so he doesn't pull out anything. he will be given morphine and will not be in any pain at all. they will let him wake up on his own because the more rest he gets, the better.

it was a lot of information to receive in one day and i had to go have a glass of wine as soon as we left the hospital. as wednesday gets closer, the reality of it all is hitting hard. i'll be glad when it is over and we have a healthy baby boy that we can bring home!

please keep us in your prayers....we really appreciate it.

update and picture...

2008-11-24T10:07:00.003-06:00

layton is doing extremely well...the people at the hospital are wonderful! he is definitely in great hands...he finally got to eat and cory was there to give him the first bottle. they are giving him very small amounts and he's eating it up in a matter of seconds! i got to feed him yesterday and it was wonderful...i've also been able to hold him everytime i've been up to see him which is the best medicine. the nurses all say he is super strong and super cute! i'm not prejudice, but i'd have to agree!

surgery is still set for wednesday at 9 am. they will be moving him from the neonatal icu to the pediatric icu tomorrow and he will return there after surgery. we are hoping and praying for a successful surgery and recovery...i want to bring my baby home!

cory just talked to the nurse who said layton was doing wonderful and they are going to give him more milk today, which i'm sure will make him happy!!

thanks again for your prayers and support...

update...

2008-11-21T20:16:00.002-06:00

i feel like this is the easiest way to keep everyone informed on what's going on with our new addition, layton. some of you know that he was diagnosed with a heart condition before he was born. we were fully aware of this and knew he would more than likely have to have surgery within days of being born. he was transferred to dell's children medical center today from north austin medical. he will be having surgery on wednesday about 9 a.m. we met with the surgeon today and feel very confident that he is in excellent hands and receiving the best care.

it has been very, very hard. i've only held my baby for a very short time after he was born. he spent the rest of the time in the nicu and, of course, remained there after i was discharged. poor cory hasn't held him at all. i can't explain how difficult it is to watch a dozen strangers hold your baby before you get a chance.

we are trying to remain positive...this surgery has about a 95% success rate so the odds are definitely in our favor.

we thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers....we need all of them right now!

for those of you interested, layton has a coarctation of the aorta. you can find quite a few things about it on the internet.

again, thank you for your concern and well wishes. it is going to be a rough couple of weeks. we are looking forward to getting him well and home with us! despite it all, he is doing very well, looks great! in fact, you wouldn't even know that anything is wrong with him by looking at him...his color is great and most of the time, he is resting very peacefully. that makes it easier on me.

i will keep you posted on his progress.

love to all!

james layton brewer

2008-11-19T12:13:00.003-06:00

james layton brewer

november 18, 2008

7 lbs. 8 oz.

19 3/4"

a few new pics..

2008-11-09T11:07:00.005-06:00

the top two are mackenzie at her friend tyler's bday party at the dude ranch....love the one with her and her papa!

the bottom two are halloween~one from that night out trick-or-treating and the other at her parade at school.

burps, farts, and making mums

2008-11-07T09:46:00.004-06:00

i'm sure many of you have been wondering where i've been...maybe i had the baby and have been soooo busy i haven't had time to blog. no. such. luck. i am still pregnant and it feels like i've been pregnant for 15 months. my belly is HUGE. i'm scheduled to be induced two weeks from today. and that is not a moment too soon...i'm slowly but surely losing my dignity with this pregnancy. i find myself belching, like a MAN, all the time...my fifteen year old son heard me the other day, looked at me with this look of total horror on his face. he didn't have to say anything...i could tell what he was thinking...i can't believe that just came out of my mother. i've even had the "walking" farts a few times...don't you try and act like you don't know what i'm talking about! you know what they are....i sound like a motor boat...it's ridiculous.

in other news, blake had his first homecoming dance this year...he looked so handsome. and i'm no fifteen year old boy, but his girlfriend is pretty hot. i wanted to give him a high-five and say "score!" but i thought that was a bit much from his MOM. i did encounter some stress during homecoming week. blake is usually on the sidelines on friday nights for the varsity game, so i assumed the homecoming game would be no different. he informed me on wednesday evening that he would NOT be on the sidelines and that him and logan (girlfriend) would be going to the game. ok. whatever. about that time, she shows up with his little mum thingy that goes on his arm. she also made mackenzie a little mum which i thought was very sweet. so, great. yea, homecoming...and then it hit me...oh. shit. she's going to need a mum. my brain went into overdrive. i don't know where to get a mum. i don't know how to make a mum. but how hard can it be, right? cory said, "why don't you get on the phone first thing tomorrow and find someone to make her a mum."

me: "i wouldn't know where to start, plus it's probably a little late. i can make one. how hard can it be? other mom's do it...so can i."

cory said nothing but instead gave me a look like, you've got to be kidding. you SO can't make a mum. you do not have a crafty bone in your body. but i have to disagree. i'm no marthat stewart but i did make a diaper cake for a friend's shower a few months back that i thought turned out great. for those who saw it and don't agree...keep it to yourself. i'd like to hang on to my delusional thinking.

so the next day, with my assistant in tow, aka mackenzie, we headed to hobby lobby for all the mum-making supplies. they had it all in one area. perfect. so i start gathering ribbons, stickers, and any other accessories i thought didn't look too cheesy...and so did mackenzie. note to self: never take a toddler in a section of any store full of shiny, long, beads....they are like moths to a flame. anyhoo, i got what i needed, including a hot glue gun. see, that's how uncrafty i am...i didn't even own a hot glue gun. do now! so $100 later, we head home with all our supplies..all the while praying that i know what the hell i'm doing.

i put the mum together that afternoon and i have to say, i was impressed. for a first time effort, i thought it looked pretty damn good. i was excited for blake to see it. i don't know why. fifteen year old boys don't get excited about much...except for sports and porn. but all i wanted to hear from him was that he wasn't embarrased to give it to her. he said he wasn't. we were good to go.

fast forward to friday night when logan and friend get dropped off at our house before the game. they come in and i notice logan has something hanging from her rather large purse. what? is that? no, it couldn't be! surely, my pregnant eyes are deceiving me. IS THAT A MUM??? DID SHE BRING HER OWN MUM???????? really? this is happening right now? i stressed over making her a mum just to find out that the NEW thing is the girls make their OWN MUM!!!! i guess blake felt bad for me so he pulled her to the side and explained that i had made her one so she took them both. i didn't want anything said to her because i did not want to embarrass her.

but, know atleast i know if i need to pull a mum out of my ass, i can do it. yea, me.

the pictures above were taking before the dance...don't you love the one of blake and mac??? she is his #1 girl for sure!!

happy friday!!

creepy...

2008-10-21T09:39:00.001-05:00

are you kidding??? you can barely tell them apart! this is tom cruise and katie holmes, in case you couldn't tell....

the dirty old redneck...

2008-10-13T11:23:00.002-05:00

so my dad and i went to the dallas stars game on friday night. it was the opening home game of the season and i was super excited about going. i LOVE hockey. i prefer to watch it over football..probably because unlike most kids in texas, i grew up going to hockey games, not football games. as excited as i was, i knew what we were getting ourselves in to by going. here's my dad and here's me...8 months pregnant. we got more looks from people...i guess trying to figure out what's the deal. as we were walking in to the american airlines center, our conversation went a little like this...

dad: people are already staring...

me: well, we look so much alike, maybe they'll figure we are father and daughter..(wishful thinking on my part)

dad: oh, great. they'll think we are imbreaders.

me: uh, gross.

dad: just walk a few steps behind me..(he was joking, of course)

me: no, that's worse! then they'll think you MAKE me walk behing you as a sign of submission or something!

so we proceeded in and went to the stars club. of course, my dad got a beer while i drank my water. good times. so then i got to thinking, here he is in his cowboy boots, drinking, and they think he brought along his young, pregnant wife to be his designated driver. typical redneck. or typical dirty old redneck. i watched people's faces as we sat down. first they looked at me, then down at my huge belly and then immediately looked over at my dad with this look, like they were wanting to say, "how dare you." it was quite amusing. i guess we need to get t-shirts that say "i'm the daughter" and "i'm the father."

as long as his doesn't say "i'm the daddy" i think we'll be okay...there is a part during the game where they show different couples in the audience on the jumbo tron and they kiss for the camera. i was praying to god, buddha and whoever else was listening that they did not put us up there!

anyway, it was a GREAT game although we lost in over time.

we were supposed to go to the fair yesterday, but i talked myself out of it...as much as i wanted to stuff myself with all things fried, i just wasn't up for the walking.

the baby is measuring at 36 weeks...and i'm just now at 33. he already weighs 5 pounds 8 ounces. at this rate, if i go until november 21, he'll probably come out crawling. which would mean less pushing, right??

i was supposed to go back to austin today but have decided to stay another night here at my parent's...there is something i seem to get more of here than at home...REST.

a lady told me today that there is only 10 weeks until christmas...can you believe it??? hard to believe since it's still 90 degrees outside.

well, that's all i got for now..happy monday!

i love this...

2008-10-09T20:40:00.001-05:00

my mom sent this to me and i've seen it before~may even have posted it on here~but it's so funny! enjoy!

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for
them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's
nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I
retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with
her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her
time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes
as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to
get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for
her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for
better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two
or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to
think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to
take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade
and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that
showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it
impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are
put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on September 7th. of a perforated rectum. The police report says Jim
was found with a Calloway nine iron golf club jammed up his rear end, with only 5 inches
of grip left showing.

His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10
minutes to find her "not guilty". Accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.

random tidbits....

2008-10-07T11:03:00.002-05:00

~ is it just me, or is ronald mcdonald the creepiest looking thing ever?? seriously. how did he ever appeal to young children? he creeps my ass out.

~my two year old recognizes oprah and barack obama and calls them by name. think are t.v. is on a little too much?? that was a rhetorical question...no need to answer.

~why does my husband keep clipping his toenails into the bathtub when the trash can is a just a few feet away??

~i watched a show last night about a couple who are about to have their 14th child and all i kept thinking is does she have to use duct tape to keep her uterus from falling out?

~i wonder if he didn't before, does o.j. believe in karma now???

~with all the advances in medicine, i wonder if they are close to impregnating a man? you think they got someone working on that one? if not, someone needs to get on that. i'd pay good money.

~why are there still directions on the back of shampoo bottles. i think we got it by now. and does anyone actually repeat?

~how long has sesame street been on the air?

~why is a man assertive and a woman a bitch? not that i care..i wear my bitch badge with pride.

~do you think it's okay to take a bottle of wine in your bag to the hospital? to have AFTER the baby is born, of course.

~i believe they should give you a catheter and epidural during your last month of pregnancy....simply for convenience reasons.

~why is it that the people that won't go out and vote will be the ones that do the most complaining about the results?? VOTE, PEOPLE!!! i mean, it's just our future we are talking about.

~why can't i find time to take a good nap??

~i'm going to the state fair this weekend and plan on eating everything that is bad for me...which is everything at the fair. they have fried bacon, people. you might as well inject the lard directly into your veins.

that's all i got right now..happy tuesday!

quick note...

2008-09-24T10:33:00.003-05:00

so clay aiken has annonced that he's gay...

geez, clay, thanks for clearing that up for us....the suspense was brutal.

who is he kidding??????

***NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT***

a funny for your tuesday...

2008-09-23T08:48:00.003-05:00

my friend, danielle, sent this to me. thanks for the laugh, d!

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was
wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin
them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the
girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to
stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no
panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the FireStation. We'll never forget you.''

i'm sooooo ready for a girl's night out!!! one where i can actually drink, that is!

funny...

2008-09-21T19:46:00.001-05:00

my mom sent this to me...so true!

UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with
duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

maxine....my new mentor

2008-09-12T14:38:00.001-05:00

my dad sent this to me today....too good not to share!

Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president. She was right on with this one...

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes!

Think about this one:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in  Canada   almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E    C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for    Iraq   .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E   1 0    C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

too funny!

2008-09-11T14:54:00.003-05:00

my friend, marisa, sent this to me. it is so funny! thanks for the laugh, marisa!

enjoy!

i should not be trusted at drive-thrus....

2008-09-11T14:14:00.003-05:00

so i made a stupid, stupid mistake today. we were in need of a few groceries...you know, milk, eggs, detergent and with all the coverage on the news about ike, i figured i better get to the store quick before all these things were gone. little dramatic, i know. anyway, mac and i didn't get dressed and out of here until almost 12:30...which is later than i usually get out to run errands. but we were off to heb, not realizing that all i had to eat was a bowl of cereal and two pop tarts. so basically all i had consumed was sugar, sugar and more sugar. apparently everyone is preparing for the hurricane and decided to use their lunch break to stock up on supplies. needless to say, it was much more crowded than it would have normally been that time of day. so while standing in the check out line, i started to feel weird...not pregnancy weird, but low blood sugar, feel like i'm going to pass out weird. i've passed out several times before so i know the symptoms...sweating, feeling weak, heart starts beating fast...so i hurried up and got to my car all the while wondering why in the hell at 7 months pregnant i don't let someone help me to the car with my groceries. i loaded up and then headed to the nearest drive-thru to get soemthing to eat and FAST. there happened to be a jack in the box right down the street. perfect. so i pulled in and fought the urge to run over the two cars in front of me in line. but decided against it....besides, jack in the box is the fastest drive thru, i believe. they really have their shit together. anyhoo, i place my order and that's when things got ugly. i ordered mac's kid's meal and proceeded to order myself enough food for 3 grown men and a midget. sorry. i mean little person. i ordered a number 5 combo...which is an ultimate cheeseburger, curly fries and a large ice tea, two tacos and an order of 3 egg rolls. holy shit. that's all i can say. i dove into that bag so fast you'd think i hadn't eaten in weeks. i won't even tell you how much of it i ate but i probably gained the whole 11 pounds that i should have gained during my ENTIRE third trimester. now, of course, i feel miserable and mackenzie doesn't seem to want to nap today. perfect. maybe my body is preparing for the hurricane. in case i'm confined to my house for several weeks and we run out of food, i'm good. i'm like an animal getting ready to hibernate. wait..do animals eat a bunch before they hibernate?? for the sake of my argument, i'm going to say yes, they do.

on another note, i'm really tired of hearing about sarah palin. they are acting like she's the only woman to ever raise 5 kids and work full time. there's something fishy about her...i can't put my finger on it yet but mark my word. personally, i don't trust anyone who goes back to work 3 days after having a baby. that's just not right...unless you are an indian woman, which according to my husband, are capable to anything. they would give birth, go out in the fields and work and then come back and breast feed the whole tribe. well, the babies anyway. and to that, i say, good for them. to my husband, i say, too bad you didn't marry an indian woman....

he seems to know an awful lot about them....maybe he's read books, or watched a documentary. not quite sure...maybe i should give myself an indian name and he'll look at me in a totally different light. i could call myself "walks with waddle" or maybe "sitting blob." anyone have any suggestions??

well, i've got to go pee. shocker.

happy thursday!

mac's first day of school

2008-09-09T14:23:00.004-05:00

she did soooo great...just waltzed in there like she'd been doing it for years! the teacher said she did well except for when story time came around. apparently, playing with the dollhouse was much more appealing to her than listening to a story. but the teacher talked to her and then she was fine.

well, i'm officially 28 weeks along and officially absolutely miserable...i look at my expanding belly and wonder how in the world i've got 12 weeks to go. where is it going to go?? the weight, i mean. my stomach already looks like i'm about to give birth. my ass is slowly but surely losing it's battle with my underwear. i choose to believe that my underwear is shrinking rather than my ass is growing....it seems to work with my husband and his pants. he tries to convince me that his pants are shrinking...not that his waistline is expanding. i am seriously contemplating writing a book titled "pregnancy absolutely, 100% sucks....all the things they don't tell you." there might be one already out there...need to research that one. i can never get comfortable. and when by chance i do find myself somewhat in a comfortable state, then i have to get up and pee. i read the other day that you usually gain about 11 pounds in the third trimester and i feel like making it my life's mission to gain much more just for spite. out of spite for who or what, i have no clue. just because i can.

and as if i'm not busy enough around here, my darling husband decides to bring home another dog. we are know the proud owners~or he is the proud owner~of a black lab named tank. he, of course, is a hunting dog. i mean, he totally needs a dog for the one month out of the twelve he goes and hunts birds, right?? oh. and it gets EVEN better...apparently there was an incident with the golf cart and the dog~which i wasn't made aware of until the next day when it was obvious the dog was injured and needed medical attention IMMEDIATELY. and, of course, this was saturday and cory just absolutely could not leave work. so who was left to clean up this mess??? me and the boys~and mackenzie~had to load this dog up and take him to the emergency animal hospital where he spent two nights being watched over and having his bandage changed. i asked if they had room for me to bunk with him but it was a no go. i figured, no kids, no husband for two nights in a place full of animal tranquilizers might not be so bad. oh! and all of this was right in the middle of what should have been mackenzie's nap. hell of a saturday....

but it gets even better...he HAD to be picked up by 7 am monday morning and wouldn't you know, mackenzie woke up at 5 and didn't go back to sleep. so there we were..me, half awake, and her in her pj's and crocs, going to get the dog at 6 am. then, i had to rush home and get the boys and have them at football practice. where was cory, you ask?? sleeping. sleeping like a freakin' baby. i was silently cursing him and plotting my revenge the whole time. but the fun doesn't end there. i had to take him to our vet yesterday to have his bandage changed and found out that the people who sold him to cory, had not given him any vaccines since he was 9 weeks old. HE IS NOW 14 MONTHS OLD. so they basically treated him like he had never been vaccinated. so we were there much longer than we should have been. and we have to go back EVERY day this week to have the bandage changed. i had realized that morning after i picked him up that the emergency clinic had not given me his meds. they close at 7 am and do not reopen until 6:30 p.m. so i had to drive all the way back over there and pick them up yesterday evening. of course, when i got there, they had already put them back up and had to fill them again. seriously?? all this for a dog i didn't even want....

but don't you worry...somewhere there is a shiny, new gucci handbag with my name on it and it will be mine very, very soon....that i can promise you.

eye candy for august....

2008-08-22T10:05:00.003-05:00

he's one of my favorites....dr. christian troy (aka julian mcmahon) from nip/tuck. double yummy...

happy friday!!

oh. you're welcome.

"doodie, daddy, doodie!"

2008-08-12T16:51:00.002-05:00

so mackenzie and i were at the pool at lifetime fitness on saturday. everything is going great~or so i thought~when the lifeguards blew their whistles and instructed everyone to get out of the pool. they had just had a break so i was wondering what was up. i then heard a lifeguard tell a mom carrying a toddler, "thanks for letting us know." i then see another lifeguard enter the pool with the scoop. yup, someone had shit in the pool. and the first thing i'm thinking~more like rejoicing~is that it wasn't my kid! i may have the loudest, meanest, most misbehaving, sometimes cussing toddler at the pool but mine didn't shit in the pool. i felt bad for the mom when they left but then again, i wouldn't have told...i would have grabbed mackenzie and hauled ass to the car. no one wants to be responsible for making everyone get out of the pool so they can clean up the shit. and what's up with the lifeguards today? they act like their shit~no pun intended~doesn't stink. they are on such a power trip and i swear most of them don't look much older than 14. they have such attitudes and always have this pissed off look on their faces like they hate their jobs. i thoroughly enjoyed watching one of them having to scoop the shit out of the pool! i wasn't a huge baywatch fan but i don't remember mitch and sammy jo having such attitudes! that's david hasselhoff and pamela anderson for those who don't know.

needless to say mac and i left and headed to our neighborhood pool. i realize that my child is not potty trained and it very easily could have been her that shit in the pool. but like i said, i wouldn't say anything, so no one would ever know.

well, i'm officially 6 months pregnant and i'm sooooo over it. it sucks. i already feel like i've been pregnant for a year and i've still got 16 weeks to go. my back hurts and i'm already having a hard time sleeping. i have got mac back in her bed where she stays until sometime around 3:00 a.m. and then climbs in bed with us. one step at a time.....

people keep asking if we have a name picked out and the answer is no...we can't seem to agree on anything. we do have one that we agree on but we aren't saying what it is yet. we are mulling over the idea and keeping it to ourselves for now. no, mom, i won't even tell you!!

i promise~again!~to be better about blogging.

happy tuesday!!

**oh, can anyone name what movie the title of this post comes from???**

dorothy knew her shit...

2008-08-05T15:05:00.004-05:00

cory and i on the 18th hole
me in front of alcatraz in san francisco
beautiful view from our hotel in pebble beach
mackenzie in the pool
and playing on the beach...
performing her duties as flower girl...yes, she did it!!
me and my brother, brett
the family after the wedding...
when she said there's no place like home. we just got home sunday night from our vacations. first we spent thursday through sunday in mexico for my brother's wedding. we had all the kids with us and it was anything but relaxing. mackenzie was all over the place, jumping into the pool, jumping off rock walls into the pool. she wore me out! then cory and i left for california on tuesday~without kids. we flew into san francisco, rented a cadillac and drove to napa where we spent two days. we then took the 3 hour drive to pebble beach. it was WONDERFUL. so relaxing, the weather was awesome! i have to admit it was hard to be in wine country and not be able to drink but that just gives me a reason to go back...

i posted some pics from both trips. happy tuesday!

perks of pregnancy....

2008-07-20T16:35:00.004-05:00

this is a picture of me and the other two preggos i bunked with...hey, mindy and katie!
you may be wondering why on earth i posted this picture...or better yet, who the hell it is? well, it's me and i posted it because MY BOOBS WILL NEVER LOOK THIS WAY AGAIN. when not pregnant, i'm lucky to fill out a B cup...really, i could probably wear an A but refuse to buy one. now, i'm sporting D's, people. yes, D. it's unbelievable. one of the few perks of pregnancy.

well, my girl's trip to horseshoe bay spa and resort was wonderful...i got some much needed r&r. the pool was wonderful and it was nice to just lay around and not do anything but relax. then i watched a movie, "made of honor" with patrick dempsey. it was cute. i had a nice dinner and was in bed by 10:30. it was bliss.

we leave on thursday for my brother's wedding in mexico. i'm very nervous to take mackenzie on the plane...she's only been once and she was 5 months old. i apologize in advance to everyone that is on our flight....it should be interesting. she is supposed to be the flower girl in the wedding and i say supposed to because no one knows if she will actually fulfill her duties come showtime. i just hope she doesn't yell "dammit" or some other obscenity during the ceremony. here's to hoping...

wife #1 seeking wife #2....

2008-07-18T21:35:00.003-05:00

so i'm sitting her watching 20/20 which i often do on friday nights...i know...what a social life, right? it's all about sex and they were just talking about polygamy. now, i've mentioned before about cory wanting a sister wife and joked about it. i always say if she cooks and cleans, bring her on. however, she can't have kids....hell, no. i don't want my own half the time much less someone elses. anyway, cory and i are sitting here watching this and these people all seem to have really full, good lives. and these are not those fundamentalist mormons...you know the ones with the dresses, hair in a bun, no make-up...these are normal looking people. but what always strikes me as odd is the men....most of them look like they would be lucky to get ONE wife much less several. seriously. not attractive. not that their wives are beauty queens. but in one of the cases, one wife said that the other cooks breakfast every morning while she sleeps in....uh, excuse me?? did i hear that right?? where do i sign up? sleeping late? every day?? that's heaven. i only have a few rules:

1. i have to be the boss lady...the boss wife

2. they can't be prettier than me...vain, i know. but if you can't feel like the most beautiful woman in the world in your home, where can you??

3. they can't have any kids

4. they absolutely can not wear those ridiculous dresses

5. they must take my side against cory...always. no matter what. period. you know, strength in numbers.

i almost want to place on ad on craig's list or something just to see what kind of respones i would get. not that i'd actually go through with it...just curious.

well, i'm off to horseshoe bay resort tomorrow! hopefully i'll have some good stories to blog about!

now what??

2008-07-17T09:58:00.002-05:00

i come to you from my bed...it is 10 a.m. and i'm still in my pj's. i just finished a bowl of cereal. and i'm doing all of this...alone. there is no toddler running around begging for fruit snacks, orange juice or the new snack of the moment, marshmallows. my mom took mackenzie home with her yesterday. she will not come home until sunday. blake also went, along with jake, so there are no obnoxious teenagers farting, cussing and getting on my last nerve. the only child left here is ashlen, who with faults of her own, may be the most perfect one of all. after all, she drives so i don't have to take her anywhere. and she's learning to cook....she so graciously cooked dinner for us last night. yes, it was just homemade mac and cheese but still...no one ever cooks for me. unless our good friend, javier, comes over. he kicks me out of my own kitchen. but hey, i'm not complaining.

so i'm sitting her contemplating all the million things i could do today...and tomorrow. saturday is already planned. i'm going on an overnight with my girlfriends to horseshoe baby spa and resort. i'm planning on doing nothing but laying out by the pool and eating. me and two other preggos are staying in a room so we will no doubt watch movies and eat junk food while the others take jello shots and play the ever so popular "never have i ever..." i do know that ash wants to go see "sex and the city" today since she hasn't seen it yet. i told her i'd be happy to go see it again. i'm thinking maybe the alamo drafthouse so we can eat, too! i'm all about the food these days....maybe some fried mushrooms and pizza....mmmmm! right now, i'm craving some lemonade....

tomorrow, maybe i'll get a pedicure and a manicure...who knows? the possibilities are endless. i'm thinking of just laying out by the pool all day.

but i have to say, i do miss mackenzie. i miss hearing those little feet running across the house. she tells me now, "i love you all the sky." something her daddy taught her. it's so cute.

don't get me wrong...i'm sooo going to enjoy my break. once this new baby comes, i imagine it will be harder to convince someone to take TWO of them.

well, i'm going to go for now...must decide what i'm going to do with myself today!

happy thursday!

mac and friends at the fire station..

2008-07-12T19:45:00.002-05:00

mackenzie had a playdate at the fire station on friday...it was our second time to go. the firemen are great...the let them try on the gear, climb on the truck, basically everything short of putting out a fire. mac informed me that the jacket was too heavy.

the brewers hit sea world.....

2008-07-12T19:31:00.002-05:00

this was mac's enthusiasm at the beluga whale show...
and this was her enthusiasm while waiting for a dolphin to take the fish...
finally!!!!!
and this was her after being in the car about 5 minutes....

needless to say, she had a great time and was worn completely out...the water park was her favorite part. she liked putting on the life jacket and floating around the lazy river. she also went down a big water slide with her daddy. i think the landing startled her a bit, but she said she wanted to do it again...she has no fear. cory was completely disgusted at the water park...he's not a "public" pool kind of person. it's kind of gross if you let yourself think about it too much but i was so damn hot, i didn't care who i was swimming with. and any dark particles floating around, i chose to believe were dirt, pieces of bark or anything else other than fecal matter...but, we had a great time.

happy saturday!

and the winner is...

2008-07-11T09:00:00.002-05:00

me!! my friend shauna had a contest on her blog where you submitted a funny story. the theme was, "i knew i had married the wrong person when......" well, this is what i put and it won me a $100 target gift card!! so thank you to shauna and special thanks to my wonderful husband who provides hours of entertainment...

i knew i had married the wrong person when i learned of his blatant disrespect for the hand towel. you see, i've always kept a hand towel in the bathroom for purposes of drying hands and/or face. of course, most people know the purpose of a hand towel in the bathroom.....except for my husband. while drying my face with said hand towel one morning, i noticed a horrible stench. i quickly examined the towel to find streaks of brown. yes, it was shit. i knew there was only one person who could be responsible. so i confronted my husband and that is when i found out that he sometimes uses the hand towel to wipe his ass....yes, his ass.

true story....i shit you not.

from the mouths of babes...

2008-07-05T18:48:00.003-05:00

or more specifically, mackenzie brewer. at the ripe old age of 2 1/2, she has aquired quite the vocabulary. why, just today at the pool, she fell down and proceeded to announce to anyone within a mile radius, "owwww! i hurt my butt." plain as day. all i could say was, "yes, you did. are you okay?" i was just grateful she didn't say ass.

yesterday, she happened to catch cory in the buff and she said, "daddy, you're naked." again, plain as day...there was no denying what she had said. not sure where she heard the word naked or better yet, how she knows what it means. she has begun saying "whatever." there's one that i thought would atleast be saved until her pre-teen years...i'm sure i didn't start using it until atleast 12. oh, and let's not forget, "not yet." example:

me: mackenzie, come here so i can change your diaper.

mac: no, not yet.

and these are just some of the mild phrases she has picked up. as you can imagine, having teenagers around all the time, mainly teenage boys, interesting conversations are happening all the time. the other day, we were in the car, and she started saying, "you little fart!" now, i'll have to admit, i've been guilty of calling her that myself. however, the next one, i can't take credit for. she know refers to blake and all his little friends as "homos" because that's what cory calls them sometimes. and i have heard "bullshit" escape her precious mouth a time or two. my mom had her out shopping the other day and she yelled, "dammit." all the women around started laughing. in her defense, she does use it in the correct way...she's always pissed about something when she says it. and before you go calling cps on me, i've heard from several people that "dammit" was a favorite of their child's as well. so there.

her loving father taught her that boys have titties and girls have boobies. funny, i always thought they were the same thing. my husband...a bottomless pit of useful wisdom. anyhoo, she pointed to one of hers today and said, "i've got boobies." and then pointed to the other and said, "and i've got titties." all i could say was, "yes, you do."

so, yes, it appears that i have given birth to one of THOSE kids...you know, the one that other kids' parents don't want them around because of the things they can pick up from them. like in the movie "christmas story" when ralphie drops the "f" bomb and when is mom asks him where he heard it from, he blames his friend, schwartz....knowing all along that he hears it from his own father all the time. my point is, i envision a lot of phone calls in my future telling me that my darling mackenzie has taught their child a bad word or two. or informed her whole kindergarden class that boys have titties and girls have boobies.

you know, it just dawned on me, that whenever she runs in a room after stripping down to nothing, we always say, "you little naked butt!" who would have guessed she'd understand what it meant??

god help me....

so true....

2008-07-02T17:22:00.001-05:00

my dad sent this to me....funny and pretty accurate.

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

to my wonderful husband....

2008-07-01T14:27:00.002-05:00

i realize that my last blog entry may have come as bit of a shock to you....considering you still choose to believe that your oh-so-perfect wife could never, ever pass gas in such a foul manner. i apologize for shattering this image for you. i can only promise to keep this disturbing occurence to myself and spare you the torture of seeing, hearing or smelling it for yourself.

yes, i love you that much.

this whole gas situation is ridiculous....

2008-07-01T13:57:00.002-05:00

and i'm not speaking about the kind you put in your car. i have to say that i've been blessed with three (so far) relatively easy pregnancies. but there is something going on with this one that has me floored. i've heard of other women experiencing this while being pregnant but this is a first for me. i've got the most incredible gas you can imagine. it is so disgusting, it rivals my fourteen year old AND my husbands. if i was rude enough to do it in their presence, i could easily clear a room. they would be so proud. i can honestly say that at this point, water is giving me gas...what is up?? it's so gross...this must be what it's like to be a man. but i haven't reached the point where i just let it rip with no regards to my surroundings...i keep it private...as it should be. but it is N-A-S-T-Y. so know that you know more about my gastrointestinal situation than you ever cared to...let's move on.

mackenzie is sick....was running a fever of over 104 degree temperature on sunday afternoon and we went to a clinic where they gave her a shot of antibiotics and started her on amoxicillin. doctor said that although her strep test was negative, he didn't like her high fever or the look of her throat. she seems to be feeling better now but it's been a rough couple of days..and nights. here's to hoping i'm not next...

on a much funnier note, i think mackenzie might have a future career in mind...future pussycat doll. she goes around singing, "don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me..don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me...don't cha?" just what every toddler should be singing, right? atleast what little clothes they wear, they keep on...oh and if you are wondering where she heard it, it wasn't the radio....it was in "norbit." continues to be one of her favorites.

happy tuesday!

gotta love this kid's honesty...

2008-06-30T14:59:00.000-05:00

my mom sent this to me...pretty funny stuff.

This is really cute!!! The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade
teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish
they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,
they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh,
Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical
duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'

(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away.

It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe' .
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it
was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys
inside
there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,
I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

eye candy for the month.....

2008-06-30T14:21:00.001-05:00

so each month i'm going to try and post some eye candy for all my lady readers...and male, if that's what you prefer! so here is the month of july...robert buckley who plays on "lipstick jungle." yummy.

enjoy!

i wish i could party.....like my parents!

2008-06-27T21:49:00.003-05:00

so i'm at my parent's this weekend for a bridal shower honoring my future sister-in-law. i run to the store about 8:00 to get some supplies for said shower. i get home and it's close to 9 p.m. i find my mom, in the middle of putting on make-up, asking if i minded if they went down to "pearl's?" that is their hang-out...they are there all the time. never been but i can't wait to check it out and see the appeal. but never, in my life, did i think i'd see the day, when my mom and dad would decide to go out....AT 9:00 P.M. i mean, i don't even do that...even when i'm not pregnant. if i'm home past 7, you ain't getting me out unless the house is on fire...and even then it would have to be a pretty bad one. the only move i'm making is from the couch to the bed with an occassional stop to pee. where do they get the energy?? i'm 33 and feel 104 most days. by 9:00, i'm lucky to stay awake long enough to watch one of the million things i have recorded, much less, go out and drink. and get this....my dad had already been drinking...SINCE HAPPY HOUR! he took a break at dinner and refueled with some water. before my mom decided she wanted to go out, he was kicked back in the recliner, eyes looking really heavy. i was sure he was about to pass out. but all of a sudden, he got a second win and was up shaving, getting ready to tear it up. is this what happens after you get your kids raised?? do you get a sudden burst of energy at week's end that makes you want to go out and party like teenagers??

all i can say, is good for them. they did their time, paid their dues and they deserve it. i just wish i could bottle of up whatever they got and make myself stay up past 9:30.

funny.....

2008-06-27T04:07:00.001-05:00

a friend sent this to me and i thought i'd share with you...i know, i know..i'm the worst blogger ever...promise i'll make more time to entertain you.

Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud.I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,waiting for thedoctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and beinga little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed bothbreasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.